Tuesday, April 14, 2015


Life's not all down and rotten... it isn't!
Like I went to L'Abri!

I want to write about the happy stuff, but that hasn't happened yet... much... sort of...

I love Liz!

"I feel like a human, and that's great."

I don't mean it, I know I don't... but sometimes I think that I don't care what's wrong with me, as long as they figure it out soon. I want to know.

What is wrong with me?

Is it something I'm doing? Is it something I'm doing to myself?

In America, everyone begins every greeting with, "How are you?" and... and... I hate it.

'cause I want to answer the question but I don't want to get into it.
I want to be honest but I really don't think my body is a topic of interest or importance.
When they ask, some care, but most are asking because we ask.

but I feel like a liar if I tell them fine because I'm not fine.

Well, I am. Sometimes I am. I feel like a human, and that's great.

Friday, April 10, 2015

It's Friday!

This is my I'm-sick-and-staring-at-the-tv-or-computer-and-feel-like-an-absolute-blob Face.

Just writing words... this is what I'm doing lately. Not trying to compose anything or organize thoughts. I just remember that writing has helped me through past things and maybe it will help me now.

When I get mucked up and behind and confused, sometimes it's hard to write because I don't feel like I can make my thoughts come together. It's hard to make words come out. It's have so many thoughts bouncing that need to come out but I can only get half way through any blog post. I have hundreds (well, 271) of unfinished blogs posts and even more in my mind.

I write because I don't feel like talking. I mean, I do, but not to everyone. Talking to people takes energy that I don't have. I started to blog to communicate with people far away. Now, even though folks aren't far away, it's a way to communicate from the safety of my couch.

I woke up feeling crappy. I think I might be getting sick.
Now I've already felt sick, but this is a "am I getting sick?" sick. Thing is, if I am, I can't go to work at one of my jobs because there's a human with an immunity system that we don't want to test out. Gotta keep that human nice and healthy! Top priority.

Spent the morning on the couch. I wanted to clean, I need to clean, but I was too tired. I got down beans and avocado but threw it up a few hours later.

Got to see a friend and get her to Target to get bath-things.

Back home, I had a bit of time to rest before going to get a massage.
Massage and then to counseling for a few hours.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted. I tried to clean the kitchen and managed to empty the dishwasher. Guess it's late now and I should go to bed. I've been tired for a few hours now, but am trying to not go to sleep to early or too late.

Just drained.
Wiped out.

My body is fighting something and I was already barely with it. And work starts Monday. And car tomorrow. And I'm tired, you guys. I'm tired.

Is this all in my head? Am I making it up?
I don't think so. I don't.
And we'll figure it all out.

The counseling session was good and made me realize that I'm not as off and unstable as I thought I was. I'm actually doing ok.

Bed time?

National Siblings Day

Happy National Siblings Day!

I put my brother for a lot, but he's consistently awesome and worth celebrating.
Ian, I celebrate you.

conconcon crash crash

They are just looking into it.
Probably nothing.
but they want me to see a neurologist.

Once I flipped onto my head on concrete.
Another time I crashed.

They want to make sure everything is alright up there.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Not Alone, Not Hopeless, and Brain Scans

I think I wrote this before for last down.
but now this down.

I am so grateful for this :: I don't feel hopelessness.

There is hope and both my heart and head believe it.

There is, for me, a big difference between my head believing something and my heart. It seems that even when I logic something out, in my head, my heart doesn't always follow.

This time it is.

I'm grateful to friends who have drilled into me how much they love me and care for me oh, oh so much that I can't ignore it or doubt it.

As for hope.

This will be resolved. It will be worked through.

I even might get a brain scan!


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Little Orphan Annie

Today at work, I threw up. I knew it wasn't a I'm-contagious-sick sort of throw-up so I just let it slip.
I'm used to it.
I throw up a lot. My body just rejects things, sometimes.

Anyways, evening plans got canceled 'cause I just had to be and I felt gross.


and then I got a very strong notion that I just had to go the Shoreline Library. I had to.

Now that's not a library really on my radar. I think we went there 3-4 times growing up. Last time I was there was in 2013 before I left for Russia.

Not sure why, but I had to go.
So I did.
It was between A and B and that worked for me. It was an awkward "in between" but I made it work.

The day looked like this:

This is just a snap up the street from where I parked. Seattle -- all this sun!

Into the dark library I went.
And I did what's a good thing to do when you want ALL the stuff in your basket.

I grabbed every single thing I wanted off a shelf on a whim.

This was Mom's suggestion. The other day I had a craving to buy so I went to the thrift shop and blew $8 on random items. As long as I don't over indulge over time, I'm not too worried. I got things like cassette tapes and books and a cozy sweater.

Mom said, "I used to do that at the library!"

So I did that.
I indulged

I grabbed..

The complete Little Orphan Annie: daily and Sunday comics 1935-1936
Hot VWs magazine
Martha Stewar Living magazine x 2
Washington Trails Magazine
Diario de Greg
Lessespass Mit Dem Bucherbar
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: the Graphic NOvel
Knucklehead: Tall Tales & Mostly True Stories About Growing Up
Cosplay World
The Worn Archive
This Kurt Vonnegut Graduation advice book of speaches
When You Are Engulfed in Flames
Glee; The Complete Fourth Season

And other stuff.
I filled my bag.
And checked it out
annd now I'm going to go enjoy those things on my own in my bedroom with the door closed and I will play David Bowie and be very ok with it.

statusupdate :: april yoyoyo

Things took a turn for the worse.
I posted this on Facebook.

This answers --- Why am I not seeing you when I said I wanted to? Am I just being super flakey?

Folks --- just throwing this out there. I think I sort of relapsed, or something. Been feeling sorta sick for the past 4-5 weeks (wake up nauseous, go to bed nauseous, fatigue, throwing up, dizzy at times + anxiety/crying/distress + self destructive/reckless behaviors). I _am_ getting help in allll forms (three different medical folks are helping me out + counseling two times a week) . I don't think it's serious (like --- my body is about to explode serious or cancer serious), and it may be psychologically related (maybe not full recovery from PTSD + recent super-stressful event = body cannot cope and is lashing out).

I feel super, super low on energy. There are humans I want to see really bad but can't, and I sort of feel guilty for that and even _that_ takes energy to feel guilty. I've had to cancel plans. I try to push through it, but, in the long run, I'm not sure that that does any good so I'm trying to find a balance.

Things I feel I _should_ do, like writing letters and responding to emails, aren't getting done either... I really do care about you guys! I do!

Why am I putting this out in public? So y'all know without me telling each of you. If I said, "YES! WE MAKE PLANS!" chances are I _haven't_ forgotten, I just really and truly don't have the energy to. I'm working 4-5 days a week (32 hours) and that's really all of my energy for.

So sorry I'm being absent.
I'm trying to sort this out.
Trying to take the best care of myself so I can feel functional again.

I really thought I was doing better -- I was! I was able to go dancing all the time and eat normally and bike around and see people I love! But all, all of that is down the drain, right now, and that really bums me out.

No. I am not pregnant, I am getting enough protein, it's not my thryroid, and I am drinking enough water. Thank you.

And luckily, I have super awesome friends who I can say this sort of stuff to and they don't make me feel awful for it.

I'm working on...

1) Not diminishing my experiences or writing off my feelings.
2) Not doing too much.
3) Going to see my counselor twice a week.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015


I fear I'm entering self-destruct mode.
I'm looking at what I've been doing and... this is how I hurt myself
and I'm doing it well.

And my body isn't functioning any more and I don't know why.
I go to sleep feeling nauseous and wake up nauseous --- and this has been going on for a few weeks. I'm tired. I get dizzy, at times.

I'm not pregnant.
I guarantee.

If continue on this path, it's going to be a long ways back to steady..

And I thought I was steady - I was for about a month or two.. ok, maybe just a month - but it felt good. I felt like things were in control. I felt like doctors-say-it's-PTSD was under control and done with.

But I'm back to crying on the daily. I just cried on the car ride here and it wasn't for some abstract or petty reason. It was a good reason to cry and I let myself.

So my actions are geared towards self-destruction, but we know all is not loss because I'm admitting it and writing this blog post and about to create a plan of action.

I don't feel like wasting time on hurting myself, but it's not as simple as "just don't do it."
Going to catch this now. I'm a few weeks in the making, but it can stop.
And I'll make it stop.

but I need help
because I feel small
and I feel lousy
and I know if I try to do this solo, a lot of damage might be done

So what am I going to do?

First, I scheduled six appointments for this week. Going to do some self care to figure out what's up with my body.

One appointment was with just a regular family doctor. My issue with these docs is that it's always super in-and-out --- like you see them for 5 minutes tops. However, they're super fast to go, "Let's do bloodwork and figure this out!" and I like that. Bloodwork has solved problems for me in the past and given us answers, like when we found out I had hyperthyroidism as a child.

I went to the appointment yesterday and he quickly had me being tested for four or five different things.

Next I've got an appointment with the naturopath.

Now I won't say I'm 100% into naturopathy. Not at all.
But they are good at listening for a super long while, taking a full multi-hour look at my lifestyle, and then giving me good lifestyle advice to change things.

Things like, "Hey! Know how you feel sick when you eat diary?"
"Well stop eating it, ok. It's doing a whole lot more to your system than just give you stomach aches."

And they didn't hesitate to say, "Know those reactions you're having in your throat to almonds?"
"This is an EpiPen. Have it on you at all times. Your reaction may get worse over time and we're not going to have you in rural Alaska without it."

They're more likely to look at the car crash and see how it might connect or recent events in my life or diet.

Finally, and also quite importantly, I've got an appointment with my counselor/therapist human. Actually, I have two. I might try to start seeing her twice a week until I know I've got this under control.

This season is not for doing everything and seeing everyone, any more. It's gotta be for 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

cello amplification and a special effects pedal makes me be able to play stuff

About a week ago, I got a pickup for my cello. More on that another time.
On Easter, Dad hooked me up with his fx pedal thing.

And now.

I can make sounds like I could never make before. I can sound hella distorted and angry. I can sound super outlandishly cool. I can make all these sounds.

And it is so exciting.

It makes me feel like all this teenage angst I didn't even know I could have is gushing out.

I wanted to dig the bow in harder and harder and play louder and louder and I wanted more and more distortion.


Dad joined in and we tore those hymns to shredsss.

I can now play tributes to Jimi Hendrix on my cello and that is just so, so great.
This feels so empowering.

You guys.. I want to play with all the angry musicians and make angry music together because now I, too, can sound angry. If you are in an angry band and want an angry cellist, let me know. I will play extra angry with you. I can play a mean Amazing Grace.

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Scariest Thing I Do Lots of Days

Over and over I get behind the driver's wheel thing and I drive that car, sometimes going 70 miles per hour and am seconds away from dieing

How do people do this so casually? How do they even... how?

It's just seconds from death and I don't feel like dieing right now. I mean, sometimes I really want to, but not at my core.

It's so scary.
So scary.

And I get those micro-twinges of fear but luckily I can breathe through them now. I can count in and out and in and out and get back to normal pretty fast.

But not always super fast.

The other day I saw a office supply store and had to look at it and in that time, the car in front of me braked. Thank goodness I looked forward in time but had to fully slam on my brakes. This was my fault. I was distracted. This is why I didn't drive for so long - because I know I'm easily distracted.

The other day I got to take 99 straight the very-heart-core of downtown Seattle.
Oh my goodness.

It was actually sort of cool and empowering, but there was no relaxing behind the wheel. Alertalert.


23 hours

23 hours to me.
Time to recharge.

The past few weeks, my body's felt all out of wack. I wake up nauseous, forget to eat or can't eat, and feel exhausted.

Now, while these are all signs of pregnancy (I'm not pregnant), they also might be signs that I'm going too fast... maybe? Also, a friend suggested that my two-week-ago emotional freak-out could have taken a toll that was still working it's way through my suggestion.

Yeah, a few weeks was hard. Luckily, friends helped me get through it and a lot of lessons I learned in the past got to come into play which was super empowering.

So I decided to spend 23 hours with me, hanging out, alone, locked in this house.
No going out.
No humans.


The night started pretty good and I was super stoked. I'm used to being alone and love it. I like hanging out with myself. When it's just me, I don't get board 'cause there's a whole lot I can do with me. I can finally sit down and play my cello, spend hours cleaning, write letters, breate.

The night started on a high when I decided that I missed Dani, my friend up in Alaska. I quickly ran and found that tube of lipstick that I found in an old bathrobe of a person who had moved and had never used.

I used it and I used it well.
Dani --- I miss you THISSS much!
So much that I will write your name on my forehead and underline it.

The whole time, Brittany Spears blared through the house and it wasn't long before I broke out the vacuum cleaner. Sigh. So good.

More cleaning.

Hey! Good news. I like being alone in my thoughts, again. Two Tuesdays ago, I had my eight hour day that has lots of hours of solitude for me to be in my thoughts and that was super scary because my thoughts were not productive or safe. I played podcasts all day - just for the day, I'd face the thoughts when I could sort through them.

Anyways, I can be in my head now and it's a great spot.
I like being me and who I am and a lot of the cognitive distortions I was struggling with have been dealt with, for now.

I was up till late not accomplishing much, which is totally ok. That was the plan.
I feel asleep when I wanted to with the intentions of waking up.

I woke up and my clock said it was 10:25 AM, which I rejoiced. I got to work showering and scrubbing the house, 'cause I like cleaning. It was all good until, after an hour or two of all of this, the clock told me it was only 9:09 AM, so who knows how early I got up.

The day went on and on and on.
The end.
(can you tell I just got tired?)

Oh! And at some point I got to Skype with my nieces and Danielle and that made me elated!!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

And Back Down

I've been riding a high for 1-2 months and grateful for it. I've been growing and feeling steady.

Then, of course there's a down.

And oh, oh how down that down is. It's puke-yer-guts-out-and-choke-on-tears down.

I don't have to to scrawl on about that, though.

Today I was sad. Doing that thing called being sad.

And then I realized I have a kickin' rad support team and that made me cry the super-great kind of tears (while listening to "Take On Me" by A-ha). I have friends who are there for me in the fullest and, for that, I feel so grateful.

For every bit of smallness I feel right now, my friends are saturating me in love, and that is lovely.

Last night I was able to call Megan. When frozen, I sent texts but was stuck. Finally, I got up, got in my car, and called her.

"Can I come over?"

She welcomed me there to share a bed for the night. I wasn't going to be alone. She clothed me in the fuzziest of pants and shirt and stroked my hair and helped talk me through things. I know she's there for me today hour by hour.

Marni was there for me today.

Today my friend P asked if I was mad at him because I wasn't responding to anything. I quickly assured him that it was nothing of the sort. On the contrary, I'm absolutely overwhelmingly grateful for him. I told him I was sad

"Hmm... Do you need company? If so, I am completely free tomorrow after work. I have the yoga class tonight from 6 to 10. I'd like to go, but I am able miss it if you need someone this evening.
I also have soup, but it's not incredible."

We talked a bit, made plans for the next day but the, here's what really made me feel loved and like I was truly being taken care of.

M: Yoda is cool.
M: I feel likea srupid puking puddle.
P: Alright. Let me know if you change your mind. My phone will be on till 5:50. I hope you're able to find peace this evening.

He let me know that, even after I said I was good for the night, if I changed my mind, he was there.
I know that if I go back to Marni's house or need her, she's there.
If I need Megan, she's there.

And if they weren't there, I'd still of A, A, M, M, I, S, J, L, C....

I'm not alone.
And I know this.
In all of this, I know I'm not alone and I'm oh so, so, so grateful for that.

Hopefully on the other side of this hill, I'll see that I can handle the lows, and that will be empowering. Hopefully, this won't be a huge set-back. Hopefully it will be growth. Thankfully, on one side, it's saturated in love and I know I will be ok.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Daniel in Seattle

Every once in a while, I have the pleasure of meeting someone I met on the road.

And, more often than not, that someone is Daniel.

"As I staggered back from a frigid walk outside in St. Paul and through the coach cars to the Observation Lounge, I commented out-loud something about reading a book.

“Which book?” someone asked.

And that's how I met Daniel."

March 22, 2013

I met Daniel on the train to Chicago.

That would've been that, but then I ended up getting stuck in Chicago for a night and a day and, after spending this much time with the guy, he was written in the Great Book of Friends.

A few weeks later, we reconnected up in Portland, Maine.

Since then I hadn't seen the fellow up until this past weekend. He was going to be in Olympia for a day or two and, well, Seattle just a wee bit beyond that.

At around 11 AM, he showed up on my doorstep. Voila! There he was - the same happy grinning man I had last seen in Maine.

His friends had driven him there and our schedule was at their mercy. They went one way and we went the other. It was a few miles to one of my favourite parks.

In that time, we got to reconnect.
It was absolutely lovely.

And just as we reached the park, it was time to head back so he could catch his ride home.

Daniel is someone I hope sticks around in my life because he gets it. In my travels, I visit friends who are stationary --- it's nice to have friends who can relate.  He's got goals and he makes them happen. He's got stories and a knack for sharing them.

And that's that.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Introducing Judah :: Car #4

Well, we're on car number four, now. For someone who hates driving, that's a lot of automobiles.
For someone who has only had a license for 12 months, that's a lot of automobiles.

There was the Toyota, I've got Tobbit ('81 VW Diesel Rabbit Truck), had I Asher (Subaru Loyale - crashed him on black ice on Thanksgiving).

Now there's Judah - the '97 Volvo V960.

What? Another car?

Tobbit is in pieces, right now. Alex and I took him a part. This is a good thing. Tobbit will be back together soon but he was never really meant to be a city car. Currently, I live in Seattle, a city, and driving Tobbit around doesn't make me feel safe. For someone who is scared of driving and recently crashed, feeling safe is super important.

Judah lets me feel safe.
He's a tank.

And you know why I picked this Volvo?

First -- why a Volvo?

On January 6, 2012, I got to ride in the car of Ethan. Ethan drove a Volvo and was pretty stoked about. He let me know that Volvo drivers are nice and wave to each other. Starting on that day, I knew I wanted to someday own a Volvo.

Three years and two months later, I got one.

So that's why I wanted to get a Volvo.

Second -- why this one?
(I'm watching Taxi and they just mentioned a Volvo)

The back seats fold down totally flat so I can throw in my bike super easy. I can throw in a mattress, no problem. What good is a car if you can't sleep in it or easily take your bike with you wherever you go.

The first day I picked him up, for reals, I got to bike up the Shoreline hill.
Shoreline is the highest elevation point in the Seattle area. I started by the water. That means it was quite the hill to bike up.

It was good.

I feel safe when I drive this car, and I like this. He stops when I push the breaks. He's a good car to get around in. I'll still bike a lot, I like how I feel on my bike, but when I've got great distances to go and biking just isn't feasible or I'm sick, it's nice to be able to jump in and go.

So I wrote to Ethan and told him that I got a Volvo just because of him.

His response a few hours later?

Magi! I'm glad! That's so funny, because I just bought a Jeep today... but I intend to make it clear that Jeep drivers can be nice people too! Hope your travels have been good!

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Commute Solution Found :: It Wasn't Hiding...

View from my current commute.
 I've been a week at the new job on the Eastside. Depending on where I sleep, it's about 10 miles away and not all too convenient.

Tobbit no longer has an engine in him, so driving isn't an option.

I figured that meant I should bus.
So I bussed.
Each day, hours on the bus.

I used to love the bus. I still sort of do... but there's a point when I realize how many hours I'm wasting just sitting. I know I can listen to podcasts and read and it's great and dandy, but just standing there. Waiting...

The worst part, it was making me want to gripe and complain.

General rule of life:
If there is something in your life that makes you want to complain daily, you need to change it or stop complaining. Bam.

I was getting bus sick and getting home feeling drained. My 8-hour-work-day was 11 hours long, including transit, and that's way too much time for this humans.

Luckily, within a week, I thought for a second and came to the obvious conclusion.

Yo... why am I not riding my bike? I do 10 miles frequently, that's no a huge distance.

Here's what I know about biking:

1. It's free.
I've had the same bike for five years, it was given to me by the rad family I was working for, and has cost a total of $130 over the years to keep it in keen condition.

2. It makes me happy.

3. It makes me feel amazing.

4. It makes me feel good about myself.

So why wasn't I riding my bike?
Yesterday, I took the bus to work, but biked home.

Normally, on the bus, I get to weave through a never-ending suburbia.

Yesterday, I hopped on my bike and within two miles, I was greeted with this view:

I was thrown into farmlands and biked 90% of the way along the Sammamish River. The air was fresh, sites were new, sun was shining on me, and I was giddy (despite the ridiculous headwinds).

Solution found.
Problem solved.

Thank goodness I wasn't clueless for longer than a week.

bit by bit

Little by little.

I think it's time to get back into the swing of blogging. It's generally done me a significant amount of good as I organize thoughts. I just needed a break, for a bit, as it felt like a stress and I only blog if I want to.

Blogging, though, is also a habit and one that's easy to drop. It takes a whole lot of time and emotion and I have to know why I'm doing it.

Right now, I think I want to start getting words out there.

They're back-logging in my brain and starting to spill onto Facebook which isn't my favourite platform to hold together word documentations.

I'm going to try doing little blog posts just to push a lot of information out of my brain and hopefully release it.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Water and Biscuits.

Somedays you wake up in a box in a door-well (that's not a word) and then want to still be outside and sit and wander and see lots of trees and then go to a nature talk with Jeff and then eat flaky biscuits from a can and eat coconut ice cream with peanut butter and then sit on a couch and watch Les Miserables while Peter does things in the kitchen with vegetables.

Friday, February 27, 2015


My folks like to wear matching pajamas that my mom sews and then go out square dancing in them.
I like them (both the pajamas and the parents).
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