Thursday, May 21, 2015

Car Camping in West Seattle


Sometimes, you gotta just gotta park your car and sleep in it.

The other day, I knew I wanted to be in West Seattle the next morning -- but problem was, that would mean me having to drive through Seattle traffic which made me feel super, super anxious.

So --- what's less anxiety-inducing then driving in traffic to West Seattle?
Sleeping in my car in West Seattle.

At around 10:40 PM, I drove over (no traffic!) and found a street, parked, and slept.
Slept like a baby... sort of.
I slept fine.

I always have a bed in the back of my car or truck, just in case I need to do something like this.

This spot was perfect because it was right around a corner with a car blocking the view into my car for most of the road. Also, there was no sidewalk to park next to. Also, there was foliage creeping into my open window and fresh air was blowing in which felt great. It was on a not-too busy street right by Puget Sound.

I was a happy, happy camper. I dreamy about camping, which was appropriate.

At 6:48 AM, I woke up, read a bit, contacted my friend, took a nap, and at 9:24, showed up at their door and didn't drive in traffic for a single minute. I was very happy. We spent the day watching Miyazaki films, relaxing, and eating Indian food and it was just what I needed. I don't know why more people don't sleep in their cars.

View from the other window.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

aha --frreeee

I keep having to deactivate my Facebook account.

It is too, too much.

Too many messages, invitations, people trying to make connections.

And I want to! I want to have the energy to write back, to make things work but, in the end, I just feel exhausted because I can't keep up. Facebook makes me feel like I need to pack my life full of all the things.. every single afternoon has an obligation to be kept.

Without it, my life opens up.
My time opens up.
I go to bed earlier.
I get more done during the day.
I don't feel as stressed.
I have more free time.

And I don't constantly witness how everyone is doing.

It's great to care about friends, but there isn't much natural about trying to keep tabs on 1,791 people.
I can care about humans as I see the humans in person and relate to them then.

Sounds good to me.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Toad In A Hole


This is one of my favourite foods in the world.

Even when I couldn't eat much, I could generally, maybe, hopefully get this down.

Toad In A Hole!

Put a ton of butter in a pan. Cut a hole in a piece of bread. Rub both sides in the butter in the pan. Set bread in pan. Crack egg into pan. Cook both sides but not too much because you want a bit of runny-yolk-ness.

Eat and dip bread bits into yolk-ness.

Sooooo good.

I especially highly recommend making it over a fire because then it will be the best thing you ever tasted.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Fiddleheads and Moose

That's our town, Haines, Alaska.
Sweet Baby Onyx Jean

Endless running around, fueled by moose and salmon, jumping around town in a massive diesel truck, sun streaming down, trampoline afternoons and evening fires, racing around behind a nine-year-old on a four-wheeler, countless hugs from the kids I love and never ending snugs, familiar faces around every corner, mountains in every backdrop, nights out in the tent, hiking with a babe strapped on the back, lunch on the beach, dinner on the porch, snack in the yard, napping to the sound of eagles, drinking straight from mountain streams between fiddle-head bites, blueberry stained faces, dirty knees, baby chicks hatching, sips of homemade ginger soda, steep gravel and dirt roads, laughing more in a week than I have in the last few months combined and families who love me as one of their own, just as I am, and welcome me home.

Back in Alaska for a visit.

View from one of the homes I lived in with twelve other humans.
My niece, Pearl, enjoying the swing. Shortly after, I put her in the pack on my back and she fell fast asleep -- out for the night.
My favourite, favourite Ellen. Love this woman. All laughs for the first ten minutes of our reunion.
View from the tent when I woke up this morning.
Breakfast with Pearl.
Dani & Onyx Jean
Evening fire complete with s'mores and fine company.

Staying in Washington


It's hard to blog about future plans, right now, because, truly, it seems everything flip-flops each day.

Then I settle on an idea and get excited... and it changes a week later.

I found a plan and I want to make it happen. Because of this, I'm posting it with full intentions of making it happen. I've got folks who are aware and hopefully will verbally cue me to stay on track -- although I know, ultimately, it's all up to me.

This is what I posted on Facebook:

I hate to say anything, one way or the other, because things seem to change by the daily --- but it seems like I'm actually going to be sticking around Seattle for the next 2-3 years. Seattleites - you've been consistently good to me and this is a mighty fine place to stabilize, which is my current goal.

Goal 1 :: Stabilize
Goals 2 :: Degree thing

I came to Seattle just for a 2-3 weeks trip in December and now it's been four months and I'm surprised to still be here. I bought train tickets to California and New York and plane tickets to Ecuador, but plans are shifting as I focus on those two goals (especially the first one).

This is scary. So scary.
I can do this.

 In response, I got 79 likes which... well, blogging about likes feels a bit stupid -- but between that and 18 comments, I felt highly supported in the decision.

Going to try to stay in Washington state.
Go to school.

I think I can. I think I can.
I know I can. I know I can.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Arriving in Haines

Landing in Juneau

The anticipation of going back to Alaska was more than I'd had for a trip in a while.

I was going home.
Going back.
Going to rest.

Back in December, I left Haines promising to come back 2-3 weeks after Christmas - I even had the plane ticket. I never did come back. I was in cruddy shape and being near family and professions was a good thing.

I've been doing what I can to stabilize, but the other night, I just knew I had to go back. It was constantly on my mind. So, I did what any rational person would do - I went ahead and bought tickets.

This time, I was going for a visit, something I hadn't done.

I've flown, driven, or ferried into Haines some dozen times, but this time, for the first time, I was coming just to visit. Just a short check on the folks I adore.

Flying over the Seattle-life.
It's Lopez Island! Home for five months last year.

The thing about getting to Haines is it's never just one step. Generally it's a two day process. It takes one day to fly to Juneau and another day to catch the ferry, if you're not up for a secondary flight.

This gives way to lots of anticipation and excitement.


As I waited for my flight, I was delighted to run into Polly who would be on the same flight to Juneau as I was on. Once aboard the flight, I saw three other locals I knew. Flights to Alaska are the only ones I know where you're almost guaranteed to know someone on each flight you take and then see the same folks on the ferry the next day.


The anticipation on the ferry was more than I'd had in a while. As we neared the dock, I could see Dani and Pearl and, yep, I cried --- 'cause this was exciting. This was a circle coming closed. Things were coming together.

It was time to breathe, for a week. Time to let myself wiggle and forget about shoes and traffic. I was going to roll around with the humans here I love and just let that be the agenda.

It was good to be home.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Plans As Of May


So what are my current travel plans?

I haven't exactly announced it to the world yet. Life is so unsteady, if things changed, I didn't feel like doing a whole blog on things changing, but now they are changing and I'm doing a blog anyways.

So, on a late night a few months ago, I bought tickets to Ecuador after my dear, dear friend Jorge, of Ecuador, posted a comment on my Facebook page. That was enough motivation for me to go buy round trip tickets to Ecuador for a few months.

On top of that, I had (have) train tickets to go to Sacramento (to see the wonderful Sarah!), San Francisco (to cat sit for Kelsey and Jon), and then New York City (to stay with my cousin on her sailboat and Joy, who I met at the pool in Alaska).

All this was set up and in place. I was ready to go... sort of...

I bought them on something of a high and now I'm unsteady again and wondering if I can go. Well, I can go, but I don't know if I should.

Right now, I think I need stabilitiy - that which I tend to run away from.
I think I need roots, rest, and relationships.

I had a sharp desire to travel, but I know I have a deep need for something else, right now, at least until I can understand what's going on. As noted in other blog posts, I haven't been doing well lately.

My doctor just referred me to a new doctor who specializes in mental isllnesses - something I'm not unfamiliar with. I've beeen diagnosed with the likes of ADHD, SPD/SID, trichotillomania, and PTSD and they're currently working with me on anxiety.

Right now, I would say that I am struggling. A lot of times I'm not but, right now things are rough and I'm having a difficult time coping. As I've noted before, I don't feel hopeless or alone, but I do feel discouraged, frustrated, and frequently very sad.

So I had this ticket to Ecuador, but it looks like I won't be riding on that plane. I'm afraid throwing myself into a new culture would send my whole body reeling. I barely have enough emotional energy to cope, right now. Traveling requires your brain to work full time, even when you're not aware of it, as it takes everything in.

What's the plan, then?

Well -- the current jobs I have in Seattle have asked me to stay a bit longer. I'm currently working one of the jobs as a temporary nanny as their other nanny had surgery done and is recovering. It looks like she might not be at full strength, yet, and this little tot requires one to be able to run full force after her (which is one of our favourite games to play).

Where to after that?

I'm thinking of going back to Lopez Island.

Seattle life is not sustainable for me.

While I love the humans, I just can't keep up. I can't do the traffic, it makes me miserable, and housing is through-the-roof-expensive and, while I could van dwell, I'd rawther not be driving Tobbit around Seattle.

Life on Lopez was super sweet and I know exactly what is waiting for me if I go back. I know the community and my schedule. I even have housing options. I could live in Tobbit, but I'm also highly considering living in my friends' mud hut.

A family I was a nanny for has a mud hut on their property I've been eyeing for a year and they're currently welcoming it to me in exchange for some of my time each month (which was already pre-determined --- which I love. I love knowing expectations and clear communication!).

Why a mud hut and not Tobbit? Isn't Tobbit ideal and perfect? Yes! Yes he is -- but part of me thinks taht I should make myself a home for a season or two. Yes, Tobbit feels like home and I love it, but having a home means I can host people. It means I can practice my cello and not worry about dragging it around. It means I can actually cook food and store it and have a well rounded diet.

Slopez goes my pace. I can keep up. I can rest and feel at ease. I can breathe. I'm outside a lot. No traffic. No feeling overwhelmingly busy and like I have to pack things into my schedule. I never have to wear shoes. I can pee outside. I love the community a lot and, conveniently, from what they've told me, they love me too.

If I want stability, Lopez is where I should go, I think.

What about those ticke to Ecuador? I'm thinking of changing one ticket (fee will be around $500-700) to a bit later. I can make it so I depart from Seattle and only visit for a few weeks. This way, it's nothing major and a short enough time to just enjoy myself and catch up with Jorge. That money that I'm loosing would be made up for very quickly in 3 days of work, getting money back from my train tickets, and not having to pay money to stay to travel for so many months and pay dollars for that without making a cent.

So that's where I stand, right now.
(BUT EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE SOON BECAUSE IT ALWAYS DOES)

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Eating Is Hard Right Now

The doctors want me to try to eat something every three hours to keep my sugar up.

You would think that was easy.
You would think three meals would be easy.

I thought so to --- until I kept not succeeding.

Yesterday I woke up feeling hungry but not wanting food. In my mind, this is not a mindset I want to be in so I decided to turn getting food into a positive event.

"I will take myself out on a date to get food!"
"I will walk to the Grateful Bread and eat anything I want to off the menu."

I set out, two blocks later, I felt a bit light-headed so I had to....

blogpostneverfinishedbecauseigottired

Moral is --- I can go 24 hours without eating because it doesn't please me always right now.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

HEY ASHER IN WASHINGTON


Today Megan and I were chillin' in Washington state when I saw MY car parked in the parking lot.

I saw it from a distance and thought, "That is totally, totally an Alaskan car."

For some reason this car is super popular in Alaska and you can find it all over. Subaru's... I had a Subaru Loyale. Sheeebanng!

This is the car I crashed.
Asher.
Same color.
Same car.

Then I saw the license plate...


Yep! This is totally an Alaskan car.

Afternoon Upslide & Getting Personal on Facebook


"I'm stressed out and crying in a car (second appointment canceled today on me that I didn't know was canceled till I got there) in North Seattle. Anyone want to eat food or something? I feel very... sad. Don't want to be in my head."

That was the status update I posted yesterday at around 4:57 PM yesterday. I had just left home for the second time for a second appointment that I learned I didn't have... the second time I drove out of my way for something that wasn't. Driving is an energy-suck for me and I was frustrated.

For me, on a good day, I can deal pretty well with changes in plan on the fly but, in this case, I was still sort of on the edge and it didn't take much for my mind to go, "What is happening? But... but.. you said... the schedule!"

So I started to feel anxious and cry.
And I felt very stuck... so I jumped on Facebook.

I've been talking to folks, lately, about they use Facebook for. Some use it to share information, other to get people to affirm them, others to update folks on their lives.

Facebook is how I keep in contact with a lot of my friends and it's a way people support me.

I quickly posted that status update and within minutes, had a list of amazing, loving friends (like Sarah, Warren, and Lyssa) inviting me over. Lyssa was only seven minutes away so hat sounded like a good option. She was also 4 minutes from I-5, the road I would take later to my evening event (music making... post-rock).

She welcomed me oh, oh so graciously. She provided a fuzzy cat and delicious treats (fig bread and apples) and just walking into her home completely, totally changed my brain. Kiki's Delivery Service was playing in the background on the television which is the finest of movies - simply soothing.

Seeing Lyssa was just, just what I needed.
180.

Facebook is such an interesting place.

There's part of me that feels like posting such a vulnerable status out in public for everyone to see is a bad idea. Logistically, it's something of a poor choice. However, there's quite the purpose that can be served when you're honest on the web - people were there for me. Within minutes, I was reminded that I had a support team there for me, friends who cared. And this wasn't just a "like" - these were tangible invitations to go spend time with real humans in real life.

I've been pretty honest on Facebook, lately. A quick browse through my statuses will tell you how I've been doing in Seattle.

I try not to post too frequently or use it as a means of complaining - I just find it a great way to mass communicate with friends and let them know where I'm at.

Part of this comes out of a frustration with how Facebook seems like such a mask. Facebook lets you choose how you let others perceive you - you get to edit out the good and show the bad. While I understand why you wouldn't want to put the bad eternally on the internet, and I'm not looking for specifically that, it seems to be a horrid way to feel like you're in touch with your friends.

I have a specific story about a super-dear friend of mine.

While I was struggling majorly, each time I glanced at their feed, I was bombed with images of how perfect, perfect their life was. Everything was put together and lovely and sunshine and rainbows and... and I couldn't handle it. Even though I love them immensely, in this time in my life, seeing that wasn't helping me because I couldn't relate to it and it made me feel even more alone and isolated. It's not that I didn't want to share in their joy, I did, but I didn't have the emotionally capacity to celebrate.

What I didn't realize was that that was just what they were showing and that there was a whole lot going on the flip-side - the part that isn't public on Facebook (which I respect completely). One day they messaged me a heartfelt note talking about their recent struggles and how they could relate to me.

I was taken aback.
I had no, no idea.
I was absolutely clueless what they were going through.

It made me a bit sad.

What a false image of intimacy Facebook can give us, at times.  Glancing at someone's Facebook page is considered "catching up," when, in reality, it rarely represents even a fraction of reality --- ok, it represents something of a fraction.

I'm honest on the internet because I want people to be able to read my blog and actually know how I'm doing, not just how I want to look. I've had a lot of people talk about how they connect with me through my blog. This is sometimes one-sided, they connect with me without me having a chance to connect with them - but on Facebook or with blog comments, it can be a dialogue. If they want to check up on me, which is why I started blogging, I want them to get an honest glimpse.

Part of this is because I don't feel like there's enough honesty with emotions and I think that can lead to loneliness and isolation. When you see everyone's perfect Facebook life, all you can do is reflect on your own with all the flaws sticking out awkwardly and painfully.

I've had a good number of people comment to me privately in letters, messages, and word that they appreciate the honesty and a majority of them have something personal to say in response in how they can relate. When they relate to me how they relate, then I can relate and I can go, "So I'm not the only one!" I want people to be able to read my words and think go, "I'm not alone in how I feel!" Knowing you're not alone is such a grounding feeling when things are a challenge.

Some, I suspect, think that bearing all on the internet is something I do carelessly and thoughtlessly and I'd like to assure them that it's not. There's a lot of thought that goes into the content I release and I very, very thoughtfully censor out a lot of it. There's a balance I seek and I try to be mindful of what I reveal. I don't claim to have extraordinary wisdom in my actions, but I do try to be aware and use what wisdom I have.

I'm truly grateful for the internet and off-internet community I have backing me, right now. I appreciate how quick they are to support and how real their love and support is. It's a steady constant for me and it's nice to be able to count on humans and not feel too jaded at the world.

Thank you.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

ILOVELIZ!


Life's not all down and rotten... it isn't!
Like I went to L'Abri!

I want to write about the happy stuff, but that hasn't happened yet... much... sort of...

I love Liz!

"I feel like a human, and that's great."


I don't mean it, I know I don't... but sometimes I think that I don't care what's wrong with me, as long as they figure it out soon. I want to know.

What is wrong with me?

Is it something I'm doing? Is it something I'm doing to myself?

In America, everyone begins every greeting with, "How are you?" and... and... I hate it.

'cause I want to answer the question but I don't want to get into it.
I want to be honest but I really don't think my body is a topic of interest or importance.
When they ask, some care, but most are asking because we ask.

but I feel like a liar if I tell them fine because I'm not fine.

Well, I am. Sometimes I am. I feel like a human, and that's great.

Friday, April 10, 2015

It's Friday!


This is my I'm-sick-and-staring-at-the-tv-or-computer-and-feel-like-an-absolute-blob Face.

Just writing words... this is what I'm doing lately. Not trying to compose anything or organize thoughts. I just remember that writing has helped me through past things and maybe it will help me now.

When I get mucked up and behind and confused, sometimes it's hard to write because I don't feel like I can make my thoughts come together. It's hard to make words come out. It's have so many thoughts bouncing that need to come out but I can only get half way through any blog post. I have hundreds (well, 271) of unfinished blogs posts and even more in my mind.

I write because I don't feel like talking. I mean, I do, but not to everyone. Talking to people takes energy that I don't have. I started to blog to communicate with people far away. Now, even though folks aren't far away, it's a way to communicate from the safety of my couch.

I woke up feeling crappy. I think I might be getting sick.
Now I've already felt sick, but this is a "am I getting sick?" sick. Thing is, if I am, I can't go to work at one of my jobs because there's a human with an immunity system that we don't want to test out. Gotta keep that human nice and healthy! Top priority.

Spent the morning on the couch. I wanted to clean, I need to clean, but I was too tired. I got down beans and avocado but threw it up a few hours later.

Got to see a friend and get her to Target to get bath-things.

Back home, I had a bit of time to rest before going to get a massage.
Massage and then to counseling for a few hours.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted. I tried to clean the kitchen and managed to empty the dishwasher. Guess it's late now and I should go to bed. I've been tired for a few hours now, but am trying to not go to sleep to early or too late.

Just drained.
Wiped out.

My body is fighting something and I was already barely with it. And work starts Monday. And car tomorrow. And I'm tired, you guys. I'm tired.

Is this all in my head? Am I making it up?
I don't think so. I don't.
And we'll figure it all out.

The counseling session was good and made me realize that I'm not as off and unstable as I thought I was. I'm actually doing ok.

Ok.
Bed time?
Maybe?

National Siblings Day


Happy National Siblings Day!

I put my brother for a lot, but he's consistently awesome and worth celebrating.
Ian, I celebrate you.

conconcon crash crash


They are just looking into it.
Probably nothing.
but they want me to see a neurologist.

Once I flipped onto my head on concrete.
Another time I crashed.

They want to make sure everything is alright up there.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Not Alone, Not Hopeless, and Brain Scans


I think I wrote this before for last down.
but now this down.

I am so grateful for this :: I don't feel hopelessness.

There is hope and both my heart and head believe it.

There is, for me, a big difference between my head believing something and my heart. It seems that even when I logic something out, in my head, my heart doesn't always follow.

This time it is.

I'm grateful to friends who have drilled into me how much they love me and care for me oh, oh so much that I can't ignore it or doubt it.

As for hope.

This will be resolved. It will be worked through.

I even might get a brain scan!

Cheers!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Little Orphan Annie

Today at work, I threw up. I knew it wasn't a I'm-contagious-sick sort of throw-up so I just let it slip.
I'm used to it.
I throw up a lot. My body just rejects things, sometimes.

Anyways, evening plans got canceled 'cause I just had to be and I felt gross.

but the SUN was out and I thought, "STOP IT SUN JUST GO AWAY BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT BEING AROUND YOU BUT I HAVE TO BE BY MYSELF INDOORS AND NOT MOVING OR ELSE I WILL BE SUPER MEGA TIRED."

and then I got a very strong notion that I just had to go the Shoreline Library. I had to.

Now that's not a library really on my radar. I think we went there 3-4 times growing up. Last time I was there was in 2013 before I left for Russia.

Not sure why, but I had to go.
So I did.
It was between A and B and that worked for me. It was an awkward "in between" but I made it work.

The day looked like this:


This is just a snap up the street from where I parked. Seattle -- all this sun!

Into the dark library I went.
And I did what's a good thing to do when you want ALL the stuff in your basket.

I grabbed every single thing I wanted off a shelf on a whim.

This was Mom's suggestion. The other day I had a craving to buy so I went to the thrift shop and blew $8 on random items. As long as I don't over indulge over time, I'm not too worried. I got things like cassette tapes and books and a cozy sweater.

Mom said, "I used to do that at the library!"

So I did that.
I indulged

I grabbed..

The complete Little Orphan Annie: daily and Sunday comics 1935-1936
Hot VWs magazine
Martha Stewar Living magazine x 2
Washington Trails Magazine
Diario de Greg
Lessespass Mit Dem Bucherbar
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: the Graphic NOvel
Knucklehead: Tall Tales & Mostly True Stories About Growing Up
Cosplay World
The Worn Archive
This Kurt Vonnegut Graduation advice book of speaches
When You Are Engulfed in Flames
Teslabook
Margaret
Infographics
Glee; The Complete Fourth Season

And other stuff.
I filled my bag.
And checked it out
annd now I'm going to go enjoy those things on my own in my bedroom with the door closed and I will play David Bowie and be very ok with it.

statusupdate :: april yoyoyo


Things took a turn for the worse.
I posted this on Facebook.

This answers --- Why am I not seeing you when I said I wanted to? Am I just being super flakey?

Folks --- just throwing this out there. I think I sort of relapsed, or something. Been feeling sorta sick for the past 4-5 weeks (wake up nauseous, go to bed nauseous, fatigue, throwing up, dizzy at times + anxiety/crying/distress + self destructive/reckless behaviors). I _am_ getting help in allll forms (three different medical folks are helping me out + counseling two times a week) . I don't think it's serious (like --- my body is about to explode serious or cancer serious), and it may be psychologically related (maybe not full recovery from PTSD + recent super-stressful event = body cannot cope and is lashing out).

I feel super, super low on energy. There are humans I want to see really bad but can't, and I sort of feel guilty for that and even _that_ takes energy to feel guilty. I've had to cancel plans. I try to push through it, but, in the long run, I'm not sure that that does any good so I'm trying to find a balance.

Things I feel I _should_ do, like writing letters and responding to emails, aren't getting done either... I really do care about you guys! I do!

Why am I putting this out in public? So y'all know without me telling each of you. If I said, "YES! WE MAKE PLANS!" chances are I _haven't_ forgotten, I just really and truly don't have the energy to. I'm working 4-5 days a week (32 hours) and that's really all of my energy for.

So sorry I'm being absent.
I'm trying to sort this out.
Trying to take the best care of myself so I can feel functional again.

I really thought I was doing better -- I was! I was able to go dancing all the time and eat normally and bike around and see people I love! But all, all of that is down the drain, right now, and that really bums me out.

No. I am not pregnant, I am getting enough protein, it's not my thryroid, and I am drinking enough water. Thank you.

And luckily, I have super awesome friends who I can say this sort of stuff to and they don't make me feel awful for it.

I'm working on...

1) Not diminishing my experiences or writing off my feelings.
2) Not doing too much.
3) Going to see my counselor twice a week.
4) GET ALL THE MASSAGES ON MY BODY

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

unfinishedpost

I fear I'm entering self-destruct mode.
I'm looking at what I've been doing and... this is how I hurt myself
and I'm doing it well.

And my body isn't functioning any more and I don't know why.
I go to sleep feeling nauseous and wake up nauseous --- and this has been going on for a few weeks. I'm tired. I get dizzy, at times.

No.
I'm not pregnant.
I guarantee.

If continue on this path, it's going to be a long ways back to steady..

And I thought I was steady - I was for about a month or two.. ok, maybe just a month - but it felt good. I felt like things were in control. I felt like doctors-say-it's-PTSD was under control and done with.

But I'm back to crying on the daily. I just cried on the car ride here and it wasn't for some abstract or petty reason. It was a good reason to cry and I let myself.

So my actions are geared towards self-destruction, but we know all is not loss because I'm admitting it and writing this blog post and about to create a plan of action.

I don't feel like wasting time on hurting myself, but it's not as simple as "just don't do it."
Going to catch this now. I'm a few weeks in the making, but it can stop.
And I'll make it stop.
(somehow?)

but I need help
because I feel small
and I feel lousy
and I know if I try to do this solo, a lot of damage might be done

So what am I going to do?

First, I scheduled six appointments for this week. Going to do some self care to figure out what's up with my body.

One appointment was with just a regular family doctor. My issue with these docs is that it's always super in-and-out --- like you see them for 5 minutes tops. However, they're super fast to go, "Let's do bloodwork and figure this out!" and I like that. Bloodwork has solved problems for me in the past and given us answers, like when we found out I had hyperthyroidism as a child.

I went to the appointment yesterday and he quickly had me being tested for four or five different things.

Next I've got an appointment with the naturopath.

Now I won't say I'm 100% into naturopathy. Not at all.
But they are good at listening for a super long while, taking a full multi-hour look at my lifestyle, and then giving me good lifestyle advice to change things.

Things like, "Hey! Know how you feel sick when you eat diary?"
"Yeah."
"Well stop eating it, ok. It's doing a whole lot more to your system than just give you stomach aches."

And they didn't hesitate to say, "Know those reactions you're having in your throat to almonds?"
"Yeah."
"This is an EpiPen. Have it on you at all times. Your reaction may get worse over time and we're not going to have you in rural Alaska without it."

They're more likely to look at the car crash and see how it might connect or recent events in my life or diet.

Finally, and also quite importantly, I've got an appointment with my counselor/therapist human. Actually, I have two. I might try to start seeing her twice a week until I know I've got this under control.

This season is not for doing everything and seeing everyone, any more. It's gotta be for 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

cello amplification and a special effects pedal makes me be able to play stuff


About a week ago, I got a pickup for my cello. More on that another time.
On Easter, Dad hooked me up with his fx pedal thing.

And now.

I can make sounds like I could never make before. I can sound hella distorted and angry. I can sound super outlandishly cool. I can make all these sounds.

And it is so exciting.

It makes me feel like all this teenage angst I didn't even know I could have is gushing out.

I wanted to dig the bow in harder and harder and play louder and louder and I wanted more and more distortion.

TAKE THIS HUMANS WHO ALWAYS PLAYED OVER ME IN SHOWS AND MADE ME PLAY FORTE THE WHOLE TIME AND I WAS MAD CAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY PIANO AND STILL BE ABLE TO HEAR MYSELF BUT YOU ARE ALL SO LOUD THAT I CAN ONLY PLAY ONE DYNAMIC TO EVEN BEGIN TO PARTIALLY HEAR MYSELF IT AT ALL.

Dad joined in and we tore those hymns to shredsss.


I can now play tributes to Jimi Hendrix on my cello and that is just so, so great.
This feels so empowering.

You guys.. I want to play with all the angry musicians and make angry music together because now I, too, can sound angry. If you are in an angry band and want an angry cellist, let me know. I will play extra angry with you. I can play a mean Amazing Grace.

Related Posts with Thumbnails