Friday, July 3, 2015

I Don't Care About These People And It's Great


There are so many people I... I... I don't really care about any more --- and it feels nice.

To clarify, it's not a loathing.

Just, growing up, there were people in my life I liked so much and wanted so badly to feel accepted by and I didn't, really. I didn't feel like they accepted me for me.

This created a weird complex of feeling inferior and not loving myself.

It wasn't on them to like me and I think it takes something to get comfortable with not everyone liking you.

Anyways, I'm reaching that point now...

(sort of makes me want to slim down the friend list on Facebook --- I don't really need to know what's going on in their lives any more, I never really did need to know)

Hoo-rah.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

june fourteenths can feel like this

You know those days where you are so ready for life to end.
It could stop now --- it could, and I wouldn't mind at all.

I don't care what's coming, I'm just exhausted.

The words aren't even there. I can't even explain.

Six months in Seattle without settling. It's miserable and I am having a hard time coping. I keep pounding my fists and saying, "I want a home. I want a home. I want a home."

And I don't have one.


July update: Found a home. After 8 months of bouncing -- I found a home. Moving in in August.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

"That about covers it," he replies.


I have a friend named Peter.
He's great.

I go to his house and me ofers me lots of tea. He just gave me 3 MASSIVE bags of Dandy Blend, this dandelion root tea, because it made him fart a lot. I love that stuff. I will make it all.

He also gets this tea called Belly Booster which, when I take for my stomach, he makes sure I know it's really actually good for my uterus - cause I have one and he doesn't.

I just had him watch Sutton Foster and Jonathan Groff (?) on YouTube singing Anything Goes and I don't think he's too impressed.

"Mmmhmmmm," he just said.
"This is a terrific post," says he.
"Anything else?" I ask.
"That about covers it," he replies.

The End

Thursday, May 28, 2015

May Twenty-Eighth Thoughts on Dating and Practicing Dating

The running joke for the past three years is that my truck is my boyfriend... 'cause he basically is.

Every once in a while, I come back to this topic.

Dating.

In case you were wondering 'cause you don't know me for an ounce, I've never dated anyone. I'm 24 and that just hasn't been on my agenda. Give me the choice between a committed relationship and a ticket to Argentina and you can guess what I'd choose.

There were seasons when I thought I wanted to date, or I wanted to, but was never near concreting that. A lot of times I wanted to grow more and I felt like a dude in the picture (I like menboydudepeople) would sort of muck that up. I feared sewing my identity together with another human which, to me, is what you're sort of doing when you date someone, during such formative years could prevent me from working hard on carving out the human I wanted to become. I didn't have the emotional energy to focus on making a relationship work (or figuring out if it's a good thing to let it go).

Lots of times, it didn't happen 'cause dating someone when you move every three months --- that just wasn't going to work (unless magic happened and magic man appeared which he did not which is good). I've noticed an amusing trend, these past few months, where a guy acts a bit interest and then asks, "So... when are you leaving?" and when I tell them, they go, "Oh.."

Lately, it's becoming more clear I'm in one place for a while and I should be here for another two years.
Folks are like, "So... dating? You? And a boy? Together? Mayybe?" Even my psychologist was like, "Sooo.. I think it sounds like you might be ready for a boyfriend?" and I was like, "Ughhh -- nooo," as I slunk down in the sofa and covered my face with my hands.

But, I decided to let myself try it out, sort of.

'cept I didn't want to muck it up with friends.

I fear romantic feelings entering into platonic relationships because if things get messy, well, they can get horribly messy and sometimes it's a mess that can never be fully cleaned. I'd rather keep my friends then risk making things peculiar. I've got super great friends that I think I'd be compatible with, and vice versa, but I'm not even going to bring that up with them ('cept that one kid whose name starts with D who I hung out with in Chicago).

I keep myself from falling for people. The last time I almost fell for someone, June 2014, I threw up a bunch before meeting up with them for the first time one-on-one and basically sabotaged the entire thing and never talk to them anymore. I keep low standards so I can keep my heart in check. It's not a trend I recommend.

So, not messing with real friends means I had to find strangers.

Enter ::: THE INTERNET
Enter :: OKCUPID

Thanks internet dating website!

And with that, a bajillion guys were thrown into my world that I could meet on a whim and practice letting myself consider romantic stuff with. Consider is the magic word there!

It's an odd practice for myself, letting myself consider dudes in a potentially romantic sort of way. I don't have experience with that, really, at all. The one time I sort of experimented with it, the dude was hella abusive and really messed me up and I was confused and the whole thing was rotten.

So I'm letting things be.
And I'm ok with how I've been doing.

I don't meet these strangers thinking, "WE DATE -- YES OR NO?" It's basically, "Hey! I want to know the human you are and see how we get along and see what human you bring out of me."

That last part, there, is important - it means a lot. One of the things I look out for most is what Margaret does this person bring out of me.

Other things I care about?

Emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and compassionate.
Initiative to actually do things and make things happen.
Passionate about something.
Capable of taking care of themselves.
Not needy... super independent.
I'm attracted to them...

I've now met a good handful of people and am in contact with all but two (one was awful and crossed boundaries and was altogether a bit dull - other one, we split after 26 minutes thank goodness because there was no connection at all, it felt like high school). Some, I now consider to be friends. Yay friends!

It's a very peculiar experience, you guys.

It's also outlandish 'cause one of my realizations is that it won't be especially difficult to find a guy who's like, "Hey! I like you and stuff and we could do that dating thing, you know." That's not what's keeping me from dating.

You know the hard thing?

Finding someone who makes me want to not be single any more.

I like being single. I'm not miserable being single. I'm used to being single. I'm super darn good at being single.
And I used to think that giving it up wouldn't really be a thing - but it is!

When I look at these dudes and think, "Maybe let myself consider dating this human?" I then think, "Give up being single for this human?" and then I go, "Ha! Funny joke - no thanks!"

It's not that they're not special and wonderful, it's just, I don't see how I could get any more out of the situation by changing friendship to relationship. I don't get what more I would get - what more there is to have to it. Why can't we just be friends? Friends is great! I can be friends with special and wonderful humans!

Why do I want to be "tied" to this person, in a sense (not a forever knot - not there yet to think such things!)? Why? What for?

Can't I just be friends with all the people forever?
Yeah... guess I can.

I want to try this out because it's sort of a crucial step to starting a family (which I want someday). I'm not going into it all with a direct progression in mind, but the two sort of have to do with each other in the long run.

Weird.
Weird.
Weird.

May Twenty-Eighth Food Reflections

We are eating lots of french fries.

Food is the issue, right now.
Big issue.
And I don't get it.

I'm going to write out, right now, my current reflections of food because I'm trying to make pieces fit or understand what's going on. I'm going to write out my current reality - not the truth, but what my perception is.

Ready? Go!

Food is obnoxious.
It's annoying.

It's a waste of time and dollars.

My plan of eating tends to go like this... eat whatever falls into my lap or on the ground. Currently, as I write, I am eating a small can (1 cups worth) of pumpkin for dinner. I added honey and pumpkin pie spice. I am eating it because it is convenient. I also had an apple, banana, banana, banana, and some wheat cereal I bought back in February with almond milk I bought in March. That is what I am eating today. I like bananas because they are fast and filling. They don't waste my time. For dinner last night, I had peanut butter filled pretzels. Lunch was two eggs and lentil soup. Breakfast was cereal again. Easy foods. I will also scavenge and eat what I can find. I am not being very grown-up-y.

I feel guilty when I go to the grocery store and buy food. I feel like it should not cost that many dollars. I feel like the money could go to more worthy causes than food. Worthy causes include a tent, tickets, and socks. I was raised super thrifty but not this thrifty, so I wonder if that's where all of this came from. Where did I distort the whole thing that makes me think that buying food is a waste of money.

Money feels like a waste of time. Sitting down to eat doesn't make sense unless I am with others. I just want to have it inside of me so I can go.

Food makes me feel sick. Most of the time, when I eat, it seems like I feel nauseous. I can only eat half a meal. Sometimes, what suits my body fine one day makes me feel really ill the next.

If I eat too fast, much, or the wrong stuff, I puke and it's like, "HAHA! Now you have to eat again and you will feel sick for a while!" I also throw up if I feel too many feels, even if they're not my own to feel.

Hamburger + Ice Cream + Beer = Maybe not the best of idea, but I ate it and out it came.
Avocado + Beans = Good idea, but it still came out.
Vegan enchilada = 3 bites, body said, "Nope!"
Vegetable soup = No thanks!

There isn't a huge trend... my body just rejects and it's annoying because then I have to find a place to throw up and what if I just want to watch my female hip-hop battle at Folklife and not go puke in a bush or something!

I don't hate the taste of food. I don't feel guilt in eating food - but I do feel gross, a lot of times. There's a weird stomach feeling after I eat, a lot of times.

These past few months, I'll go through days or weeks where I struggle with eating anything and that's just obnoxious. It's a cycle of not eating leads to not eating leads to not eating but I try to make myself eat something. At those times, if I have an inkling of a craving for anything, I get it, because it is calories and calories are good.

The doctors and folks and I all think that if I had my own place, my own kitchen and pantry and such, that could help a lot. I could plan meals to be healthy but not too expensive. I could buy in bulk and actually cook. I could cook and plan on eating leftovers, which I love more than firstovers. I could have stashes of healthy snacks to reach for when I know I need something.

But having a kitchen means I gotta rent a place which means more dollars but I want to go to school and...

I've been bouncing around since I left Alaska in December. Five months of bouncing in Seattle.
Do I, can I root?

I'm frustrated and I don't like this and I want to stop needing food or something because that would solve all of my problems.
(not really)

They Came From Alaska!


S, M, N, and B all came and visited from Alaska.
What a joy it was to spend time with this beautiful family that has taken me in and treated me like family so many times over the past few times. Such a sweet reunion. I love these humans!

Monday, May 25, 2015

Folklife 2015


Each year, I basically give up on trying to document Folklife. You _can't_ capture what it is or what it means or how it feels... but you can take a few pictures of the huge magnitude of people that show up.

I grabbed a few shots while on the go. By no means a documentation, just a few snaps.

Folklife feels like community. You (I) couldn't walk for more than a few minutes without seeing a familiar face in each crowd. A friend would be on the corner busking or volunteering or performing. I feel grateful to be connected to the doers, makers, and creators of Seattle - they are a beautiful people. This is the only place where, truly, people from every friend group come together and meander about.

I meant to dance a lot this weekend, I had hoped to, but, like each year, that just didn't happen. I get tied up in conversation and music or eat food and dancing post-consumption just isn't something I can do.

Four days of vivid colours and rich sounds, beautiful connections.
Thanks, Folklife, for being everything I needed you to be.

New playground. I love those slides!
Ukrainian Choir
River, Sarah, Sonya, Brian, Aria,Sky
Alex, me, Alex
Sarah
Northwest Junior Pipe Band
the Fountain
Female Hip Hop Battle
Contra Dancing at Warren's Roadhouse
N & G
Very familiar humans.
Sk - y
Dancing Irish sets led by David.
Photo by Sky
Seattle Cello Experiement
Jesse
Seattle in all its Seattle-ness.
Food.

I want to eat it and not worry about feeling sick so, so badly. Would like to be able to not throw up every week. Would love to not have to curl up. Would love to not be walking around Folklife, puking in all of the shrubbery.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Happy Birthday, Mom!


The other day, the family got together to celebrate my mom.

What a woman. Seriously, folks this lady is a wonder.

Not even sure where to start. If I had to describe her in just two words, compassionate and wise would trump. I can't begin to tell you how many times she's giving me advice and listened to my problems. She's level headed and approaches life in a just manner. I've never seen her be unkind to anyone. Ever. Ever. And I've known her for 24 years!

Well... I guess she sometimes hangs up on robot spam callers... that might not be nice. But they ain't human!

She's put up with me bringing dozens of folks over and each time, she welcomes them in. I'm grateful for her display of hospitality. I hope when I have a home, I can welcome folks in as lovingly as she does.

She's got a knack for telling stories in her phrasing and voice and is excellent at deciding what would make a good story that's worth sharing.

She's excellent at piano.

She's a wonderful dancer.

I like being around her... a lot. A lot a lot.

Living in Seattle, even when I'm weeks at another place, I still find myself wanting to go to my folks' house over and over 'cause it's a nice place to be. She made a home for us to grow up in and I'm grateful that I can still keep coming back.

I know this wasn't too cohesive ---- but here's to Barbara - the rockin' rad Mom lady!

Saturday, May 23, 2015

This Is Not April Fools


I logged back onto Facebook, hoping to see someone say, "April Fools! She's alive!"

One of the reasons I deactivated is because my friend, Anne, was killed.
Couldn't cope.
Can't get it.

I finally went back on --- because, because.. maybe I made it up! Maybe she's ok!

No.
She's not.
She's gone.
I miss her.


Thursday, May 21, 2015

Car Camping in West Seattle


Sometimes, you gotta just gotta park your car and sleep in it.

The other day, I knew I wanted to be in West Seattle the next morning -- but problem was, that would mean me having to drive through Seattle traffic which made me feel super, super anxious.

So --- what's less anxiety-inducing then driving in traffic to West Seattle?
Sleeping in my car in West Seattle.

At around 10:40 PM, I drove over (no traffic!) and found a street, parked, and slept.
Slept like a baby... sort of.
I slept fine.

I always have a bed in the back of my car or truck, just in case I need to do something like this.

This spot was perfect because it was right around a corner with a car blocking the view into my car for most of the road. Also, there was no sidewalk to park next to. Also, there was foliage creeping into my open window and fresh air was blowing in which felt great. It was on a not-too busy street right by Puget Sound.

I was a happy, happy camper. I dreamy about camping, which was appropriate.

At 6:48 AM, I woke up, read a bit, contacted my friend, took a nap, and at 9:24, showed up at their door and didn't drive in traffic for a single minute. I was very happy. We spent the day watching Miyazaki films, relaxing, and eating Indian food and it was just what I needed. I don't know why more people don't sleep in their cars.

View from the other window.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

aha --frreeee

I keep having to deactivate my Facebook account.

It is too, too much.

Too many messages, invitations, people trying to make connections.

And I want to! I want to have the energy to write back, to make things work but, in the end, I just feel exhausted because I can't keep up. Facebook makes me feel like I need to pack my life full of all the things.. every single afternoon has an obligation to be kept.

Without it, my life opens up.
My time opens up.
I go to bed earlier.
I get more done during the day.
I don't feel as stressed.
I have more free time.

And I don't constantly witness how everyone is doing.

It's great to care about friends, but there isn't much natural about trying to keep tabs on 1,791 people.
I can care about humans as I see the humans in person and relate to them then.

Sounds good to me.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Toad In A Hole


This is one of my favourite foods in the world.

Even when I couldn't eat much, I could generally, maybe, hopefully get this down.

Toad In A Hole!

Put a ton of butter in a pan. Cut a hole in a piece of bread. Rub both sides in the butter in the pan. Set bread in pan. Crack egg into pan. Cook both sides but not too much because you want a bit of runny-yolk-ness.

Eat and dip bread bits into yolk-ness.

Sooooo good.

I especially highly recommend making it over a fire because then it will be the best thing you ever tasted.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Fiddleheads and Moose

That's our town, Haines, Alaska.
Sweet Baby Onyx Jean

Endless running around, fueled by moose and salmon, jumping around town in a massive diesel truck, sun streaming down, trampoline afternoons and evening fires, racing around behind a nine-year-old on a four-wheeler, countless hugs from the kids I love and never ending snugs, familiar faces around every corner, mountains in every backdrop, nights out in the tent, hiking with a babe strapped on the back, lunch on the beach, dinner on the porch, snack in the yard, napping to the sound of eagles, drinking straight from mountain streams between fiddle-head bites, blueberry stained faces, dirty knees, baby chicks hatching, sips of homemade ginger soda, steep gravel and dirt roads, laughing more in a week than I have in the last few months combined and families who love me as one of their own, just as I am, and welcome me home.

Back in Alaska for a visit.

View from one of the homes I lived in with twelve other humans.
My niece, Pearl, enjoying the swing. Shortly after, I put her in the pack on my back and she fell fast asleep -- out for the night.
My favourite, favourite Ellen. Love this woman. All laughs for the first ten minutes of our reunion.
View from the tent when I woke up this morning.
Breakfast with Pearl.
Dani & Onyx Jean
Evening fire complete with s'mores and fine company.
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