Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Fell Down

Pardon my past tense. If I was motivated, I would change it to present. 

I called it my spaz mode to my friends. It wasn’t something I could explain and I didn’t know why it happened. It still happens to this day.

I freak out when I get a surprised touch, especially on my back.

I'll be standing around, and a friend will touch my back, and I will literally collapse on the ground, often with a loud scream. The touch is usually from behind, and often, very light.

My reaction is unvoluntary.

I was at a concert and my friend did a clap right behind my head, not to surprise me, she was just clapping. Down I came. Right on the ground. Laying down flat.

What happens after one of these freak-out moments is what I would call my “spazz mode."

After one of those moments, I would freak out when anything came near me. If someone lifted a hand in front of me, my body would hit it away. I would capture peoples hands. Hit them. Slap. Anything to stop them from moving. My body would be so freaked out at that point and I was on constant alert.

Others found it amusing.
I do too, sometimes

My brother, on the other hand, thought I was just trying to get attention. He still does. He still tells me that it’s all in my head and I am making it up. That frustrates me a lot, and, more than anything else, it hurts. It hurts a lot (bla bla bla, poor Maggie...). I hate it when I’m told that this strange thing I can’t help doing is just me trying to get others to look at me.

Finding out about SPD was like having my entire life re-explained to me. Everything made sense. Everything lined up. Little quirks about me, like falling down when surprised by light touch, had an answer.

I am bothered when it (a violent reaction) happens to someone who doesn’t know about my SPD. I feel obligated to tell them that it’s not my fault nor is it theirs nor am I upset with them. I guess I could just keep my mouth shut. It’s not that I’m eager to talk about my condition and want to tell the world. I guess I just don’t want them to think I’m doing what my brother says I am. Just trying to get attention.

I still will freak out or fall down when surprised by light touch. Sometimes, even when not surprised. It’s odd, but my friends are wonderful, lovely people. They have learned not to do that around me... and how to laugh about it when it happens.

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