Friday, July 29, 2011

Spilling Personal Guts Into A Blog


What if I actually blogged those thoughts that fill up all my brain-thoughts when I go for my bike rides and walks and clean my room?

I consider that sometime.

I've only blogged personal thoughts on an interaction with another person once or twice - simply because I don't consider it to be wise to share such things on the internet.

Whenever I write something I have to think through what the person would say if they read this and if they would think about it being shared with anyone who wants to see it (not that that many people read it - but that fact that they could read it).

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But if I were to write things out, it would be things like this…

I had a brilliant friend since I was 7 and were very close and hung out a lot and then one day he cut me off completely because his girlfriend was jealous (absurd) and then we didn't talk for an entire year (and I couldn't do anything about it).

So, that's the story. And that, there, could be expanded into an entire post in itself with details, but you don't need them. But I am going to reflect on how I was affected by this and how it is now affecting my relationships (as in friendships) with others now.

This series of events had a very distinct pattern:
- become very close friends
- communicate lots
- he get's a girlfriend
- communication cut off
(yes, it's as stupid as it sounds)

And unfortunately, it engrained itself full-well into my brain.

I didn't think it was going to affect me that much until a few months later when I started hanging out with another sir in a pure platonically-friendshipped way.

That's when my brain started to freak.

It made the jump that what had happened before would happen again. I put up some walls to protect myself, communicated, and let the friendship dissolve.

Or as of lately, I've come to get a bit close with a good mate of mine till our communications became a daily habit.

Yesterday, when on my bike, though, I had these thoughts.

"Oh bother… I'm becoming similarly as close to K as I was to C. See, it's just friendship, but, unfortunately, it is between a girl and a guy -- why couldn't we be the same gender? The next step is for K enter into a relationship and cut me off completely. The best way to protect myself, then, is to emotionally distance myself from K before he can cut me off and perhaps I ought to just cut him off now and save myself the trouble…."

And then I had to stop myself.
Remember that K is not C.
Shake three times.
And write to K because communication rocks.

Texting Interaction:
M: …and please don't ever pull a C. 

My brain was wandering on the bike ride today and it realized that you are both very similar and then it realized that very soon you'll probably do exactly what C did and that I should protect myself by just cutting you off completely now but then a mile later I remember to think and realized that was stupid.

I forget - have you read the Screwtape Letters?

Seagull

K: Oh my thank you for thinking and realizing!! Please never cut me off! That's the worst! If we hurt each other we need to stick together and work it out, not excommunicate each other cause that is horrible horrible horrible!

And yes I have read the screwtape letters.

Bookcase.

I hate to be the insecure child, here, but I'm a huge fan of communicating where I'm at with people when it might affect them.

K and I are in the same green-paddle boat in terms of thoughts on communicating and working things out. The problem was, C is very much so a conflict-avoiding kid. He would go out of his way to avoid conflict, even though, in the end, everyone got hurt because his way of avoiding conflict was avoiding confrontation and communication.

After what happened with C, I don't think I realized at all what an effect it would have on my interactions with others later on, but it has. Luckily, I've taken to grasp that and am learning when to keep my guard up and when I can let it down. I still put it up and very inopportune times (I don't know if you've ever experienced a distanced-Maggie, but it is an unusual thing to behold) but I'm glad that I at least realize why I'm doing it and what I need to bring myself back so that the friendship can grow and strengthen.

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I still don't think I'll every write out the details of personal interactions on a blog. It just doesn't seem right. While it might be an excellent read for the world, I don't consider it full proper. Some people can pull it off but it's just not my style. However, writing out the thoughts behind those interactions and the lessons behind them, those are what are more likely to come out.

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