Wednesday, August 31, 2011
19 days till I am 21 years old.
And I am acknowledging it now because I don't know that it will be on the day.
See, I'll be living with a new set of mates on an island on my birthday. And I will have just gotten back gotten back there from a weekend away.
My birthday will fall on a Monday.
The big two-one.
And with Facebook deactivated I doubt that anyone will remember which is certainly ok with me.
This is how I want it. I don't really want to acknowledge this passing of time. I definitely don't want to celebrate with the expected alcohol overload, which I've heard is often associated with this coming of age day. I've been around alcohol quite a bit. I was in Switzerland when I was 16, 17, 18, and 19 - all ages where I was allowed to consume all I wanted. Frankly, it's not a big deal. It's just another beverage.
I already have my drinking habits established which I'm open about with everyone - and they don't involve getting drunk. I drink solely for the taste, especially when friends have brewed something up. When I feel it's time to stop, I stop before it is time. And when others try to give me yet another drink, well, I say, "No." And mean it in full. Very empowering, you know.
So whereas, 21 can be a big day in America, I'll be in Canada.
Not all to big of a deal.
I hope I can be outside for a lot of it.
All 21 means, in America, is a whole lot more open doors.
And you all know I love a good open door... or window.
Monday, August 29, 2011
I was in the car the other day with two lovely mates of mine the other day when something came up - something about something and it made me think of the something I have.
A specific impulse control disorder that I can't get myself to talk about on this blog or with 99% of my acquaintances.
Things like SPD and ADHD are easy. But this one, it's just, well, weird.
But I mentioned the name of what I had.
One girl she said she had it.
She meant it.
I said I had it.
The third girl said she had it!
We all had the exact same thing.
And I didn't feel alone. I know that sounds horrifically cliché - but this is something to me. This is something that affects me daily and I don't have anyone to talk about it with.
For the first time, I had a discussion about it with friends.... and they understood! They knew exactly what I was going through, what I felt, and it was. They got every little bit about it.
Being able to talk about it felt, well, it felt really good.
And made me realize and think about how many people I encounter each day are going through what I am going through. How many out there can relate?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tonight feels heavy. Unrelated, in many gist-ence-ses to what is coming after this sentence ends.
2:52 AM and maybe I should just go to bed.
Maybe my dreams will help me stop feeling. Help me stop sifting.
Life is incredible. [There is] nothing I want to change.
But tonight was a reality check that I could, indeed, leave this life right now and be fine with it.
What I mean, when I say leave, is leave my Seattle life for Kentucky.
Do I really have anything in Seattle, in the scheme of things beyond little me, that is worth staying for?
I'm not sure how that would come across when read.
I am not sick of living in Seattle. Nothing wrong has happened in Seattle. Nothing is driving me away from Seattle. It's the pull of Kentucky that is leading me. Why Kentucky? Heavens knows. And I mean that literally. My Father up there knows what he has for me in Kentucky and I'm still pretty clueless. But I do know I am ready to be used by him. But am I turning this into me wanting the adventure and saying it's him?
One of the things I'm going through right now is processing what is me and what is the Spirit. I am confused to the brim of myself and my entire brain feels a bit static-y as I search for a clear message or signal.
But I feel as if I'm being released from this place (Seattle, mind you). I feel like I had been well rooted in Washington (which I needed, post-Swiss-life 2008), but as of lately, God has been slowly uprooting me, gently, unlike my uprooting from Switzerland back in 2008 which caused me panic attacks and stomach-deep grief.
But this. It's like he's slowly ripping of the band-aid. It's coming off so slowly that I don't even notice its removal. Easy preparation.
I'm searching in my mind for reasons to say and can't find any.
[[[[[I Sleep // Attempt to Induce Straight Thinking]]]]]
Well, I've been awake for a wee bit, now. Made up some English Breakfast Tea, cut out pictures, squirmed, glued, relaxed, ate a banana, Greek yoghurt, and some granola, and just keep thinking this.
I am ready to let go of this life I have become way to comfortable with. I'm back to where I was in 2006. The longing desire to be uprooted, pulled out from where I am, and slammed into an entirely new world.
In this case, the world I would be entering in Kentucky would allow me, once again, grow in a new way.
My year of self-growth, in a revolutionary new way, for me, took place in 2007-2008. Since then, yes I've been growing and maturing, but it has been all inward, self-centered. I desire to move on and grow in serving others and working for their good.
And this would happen in Kentucky.
Away from my incredible family and friends, contra dancing, blues dancing, the Beery house, Webley-experiences, recesses, my bicycle...
I can let go of it all.
Is it time to move on?
I promise. I promise I will get my degree some day, but I need to live more in the real world first to understand why I am putting the money into the schools and why I want that degree and which degree I want.
Wish I could afford to "take my time." If only time was the issue - but it's money that is dictating so many decisions, these days. But if it's God's way, I know he'll provide.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I woke up this morning at 7:39 AM feeling terrific. My window was open and my lungs were already filled with fresh aire - already a champion of the day! And best yet? Dani was asleep in the basement.
By 10:54, she was still asleep and I had tackled most of the problems of the day and was ready for tea.
I made up a large pot, grabbed "The Secret Garden" and invited my mom to tea in my bedroom. That's when Dani woke up, so she was welcomed as well.
So the three of us had a tea and reading party in my bedroom.
All was well in the world until I got to page 21.
"A table in the center was set with a good substantial breakfast. But she had always had a very small appetite, and she looked with something more than indifference at the first plate Martha set before her. 'I don't want it,' she said.
'Tha' doesn't want they porridge!' Martha exclaimed incredulously.
'Tha' doesn't know how good it is. Put a bit o' treacle on..."
And my brain was lost.
Treacle. Treacle. Treacle.
I remembered seeing treacle back in February 2007 at the British Pantry, the local British import store (http://youtu.be/P9f6-Lc56h
And I decided it was time to go purchase some.
But we were in Kenmore and needed to go to Redmond... well, the trail goes there.
So we hopped on the bikes for the 13 miles there.
Found it. Bought it - along with a mince pie, some Irish butter, and Violet flavoured candies.
And 13 miles home.
All ever so worth it.
And that's how my life goes a lot of times. Think of something. Gets in my head. And the impulse that comes with it is carried out filling the day.
Turns out treacle tastes just like molasses - and it's everywhere!
Alice in Wonderland.
The Secret Garden.
Pop Goes the Weasel.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
even Harry Potter.
All mention treacle.
It definitely well deserves the place it will now hold in my pantry and stomach.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Another blues recess.
I wasn't supposed to go. I wasn't going to go.
As soon as tickets were available I snagged one... and then a few weeks later realized that I ought not to. Starting in September I will have no source of income and will be living off of what I have saved up. $130 will cover around 4 days of living for me where I'm staying.
With the Recess out of my mind, I accepted an invitation to attend Wanderlust with my dear friend of 14 years, Alex. We joined up with a large lot of automobile enthusiasts and drove up to Mount Baker.
But, you see, our route took us right by where the Recess was to be held, the Quarry. We drove by on the way up to Mount Baker (Exist 242, Exit 242).
Alex and I had planned on camping Saturday night somewhere along Chuckanut Drive. However, upon reaching Chuckanut Drive, we were informed that there was a wildfire which prevented us from getting to our destination and forced us onto a detour route. The detour took us along side roads that led us to... Exit 242.
"Take a left," I said.
"A left?" he said as he turned the car.
He thought we were headed to the open part of Chuckanut but I realized that since we were so close to the Quarry, we might as well check it out.
With 85 acres of land, perhaps Justin, the organizer, would let us crash the grounds for a night.
Upon arriving I was reintroduced to that ever so "anders" community I adore.
Just a walk down the dusty path and I was physically welcomed and filled to the brink with the excitement and goodness of the community members. It's a league of dancers all living in the name of connection and exploration.
We spotted Justin (in above photo, first photograph on the very bottom row with the umbrella), told him what was up, and were quickly "officially" enabled to be there without second-guesses.
Welcome to the Recess life.
Lounge. Laugh. Skip. Sing. Exist.
And then, night comes, we dance.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My two years of community college are coming to a wrap-up soon.
I'm taking this autumn quarter off (don't worry, I spent all summer quarter studying).
I'll return in the winter to close it up... and that means I need to decide which finals classes I will take that will determine what certifications/degrees I will receive as a result of my studies.
I could get a DTA or an AA.
A DTA (direct transfer agreement) means that my community college has worked out an agreement with the universities in the area that I can enter their school at junior status if I've met certain requirements and taken the right classes.
I've been waiting for the gut-feeling to come - or even the desire to get that four year degree.
It has yet to come.
So now I'm trying to decide what I ought to do...
And I've got until mid-December to start being decisive.
Unless I put it all off and wait even further.
As of now, I'm leaning towards waiting even further and following the plan I had way back in 2009 as I was graduating high school. It would mean putting off the degree - which means it will cost more in the long run. Right now I'm praying a lot about it. Should I follow my heart to serve or press on and get that two-year degree.
I don't know.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I never want to stop playing.
I love kicking off my shoes, skipping around, and playing pretend. I got a pretty good dose of it for a few hours the other day for the wonderful Welsh-Filipino kids who live down the street. We were beavers. We made castles. We created a nest.
Pretending - I still have my own form of it these days.
Pretend. Daydreaming. Planning.
I love looking forward and making plans, even if they might not ever happen. I love plans for trips across the country in an old van, dreams of wandering my way across Columbia, and legitimate hopes of serving in Kentucky someday.
What's fantastic is that any of these forward-forms of thinking could actually come true.
I guess that's the difference between pretend and this present day way of dreaming I have. In pretend, it is happening in that moment and your brain slips into another state. With the future-planning, it's a narration and staging for what is to come and what is to come.
And what is fantastic is when those dreams come true
and when reality overrides anything I could have come up with in my own head.
Monday, August 8, 2011
As mentioned in the last blog, these past eight days brought three dear Swiss friends to my residence. Before I write further, I want to note that they are wonderful people who I adore and fantastic guests to have and my reactions had nothing to personally do with them. I was very pleased to have them in my company.
Having three guests means you need to bend your life a little to make them comfortable - especially when they speak a foreign language the others in your household don't understand or communicate in - German.
It also meant that a lot of my routine went out the door - and so did my mental state of well being.
With my routine upset, my grades fell as did my amount of sleep, and I craved my "me time" more than ever to recharge and decompress.
We had a three day trip planned out to Eastern Washington with my friend Kurt at the end of the week. Originally I was going to go but all I wanted was to skip it, stay home, and to have that time by myself. Instead, I was obliged into going - and I by no means regret going.
It was a fantastic weekend of rafting, mountain climbing, bike-riding, motor-cycling, pie baking, wild huckleberry picking, dancing, and laughing.
I think I did alright. It was only at the end where I started to feel distant - but it worked out ok. Luckily, I've known Kurt for over a decade now and he's a pretty steady friend to rely on. The night before each day we would go over the schedule for the following day which helped immensely. Knowing what to expect created a huge sense of security for me.
I'm still at a point in my life where I am trying to figure out when, in situations, I should listen to my body and pass-up on activities and when I should ignore them and press-on and participate. Still learning about how I have to pay for it in the end and how long it takes to recover.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Believe it or not, I'm an introvert.
Think opposite? Educate yourself.
The general population seems to consider introverts to be the shy folks of society, the quiet ones who keep to themselves. If that were the definition, I would, by no means, be considered an introvert... especially based on the collection of stories people have shared with me about how they met me.
These stories I have no recollection of, but the people remember them full well. They range from me giving them a huge embrace and smelling them viciously to yelling out, "Sprichst du deutsch?" on the dance floor to clasping their feet to... they get bizarre. What is strange is that these people still desire to get to know me after such encounters.
Anyways, so I'm not shy - but I am a declared introvert. How does that work?
An introvert is someone who simply recharges by being on their own.
And that is me.
I need, need, need to have my time away from people each day! I call it my "me time" (sounds self-centered, now, does it?).
I crave my time alone walking or in my room. I love spending time in the library without interruptions.
And when I go out on adventures with groups, I still need it. My dear best friend Joelle understands this well. When we get together for a weekend, we still take small time breaks from each other for recovery and recharging.
This past week was especially difficult because we had three guests over. Mind you, they were lovely lovely folks, but they were always there (as they ought to be). After a day at school, I would need to come home and be alone - sometimes I couldn't get that which meant I would sort of shut down or get grumpy and distance. I needed the away time so much that it nearly came across (or perhaps it did) as being rude as I shut myself in my room for hours at a time - but that's what I had to do.
If I can't have that time to recharge, I feel peculiar and very irritable. I feel distant and anxious. I feel drained and fuzzy.
I use that alone time to sort out my thoughts, organize, clean, and get work done.
Because people see me so often-ly surrounding myself by beautiful people, they assume that I'm as extroverted as can be but it's quite on the contrary. For all the time I spend with my mates, I need time by myself alone.
I used to think of that as being a bit of a loner or anti-social but since I was educated about introverts/extroverts, I now understand and work my life around my needs to I can live life optimally.
Note: This helps explain my post back in February 2010 - Closed Doors. Back then I didn't understand why I liked to be in my room with the doors closed so much. Now I understand. I like learning more about why I do the things I do.