Saturday, August 27, 2011

Slow Uprooting - Gentle Preparations


This is like the letter I want to write to someone but don't want to burden them with the words. So here it is, the infamous blog, receiving the brunt of my emotions.

Tonight feels heavy. Unrelated, in many gist-ence-ses to what is coming after this sentence ends.

2:52 AM and maybe I should just go to bed.
Maybe my dreams will help me stop feeling. Help me stop sifting.

Life is incredible. [There is] nothing I want to change.

But tonight was a reality check that I could, indeed, leave this life right now and be fine with it.

What I mean, when I say leave, is leave my Seattle life for Kentucky.

Do I really have anything in Seattle, in the scheme of things beyond little me, that is worth staying for?

I'm not sure how that would come across when read.

I am not sick of living in Seattle. Nothing wrong has happened in Seattle. Nothing is driving me away from Seattle. It's the pull of Kentucky that is leading me. Why Kentucky? Heavens knows. And I mean that literally. My Father up there knows what he has for me in Kentucky and I'm still pretty clueless. But I do know I am ready to be used by him. But am I turning this into me wanting the adventure and saying it's him?

One of the things I'm going through right now is processing what is me and what is the Spirit. I am confused to the brim of myself and my entire brain feels a bit static-y as I search for a clear message or signal.

But I feel as if I'm being released from this place (Seattle, mind you). I feel like I had been well rooted in Washington (which I needed, post-Swiss-life 2008), but as of lately, God has been slowly uprooting me, gently, unlike my uprooting from Switzerland back in 2008 which caused me panic attacks and stomach-deep grief.

But this. It's like he's slowly ripping of the band-aid. It's coming off so slowly that I don't even notice its removal. Easy preparation.

I'm searching in my mind for reasons to say and can't find any.

[[[[[I Sleep // Attempt to Induce Straight Thinking]]]]]

Well, I've been awake for a wee bit, now. Made up some English Breakfast Tea, cut out pictures, squirmed, glued, relaxed, ate a banana, Greek yoghurt, and some granola, and just keep thinking this.

I am ready to let go of this life I have become way to comfortable with. I'm back to where I was in 2006. The longing desire to be uprooted, pulled out from where I am, and slammed into an entirely new world.

In this case, the world I would be entering in Kentucky would allow me, once again, grow in a new way.

My year of self-growth, in a revolutionary new way, for me, took place in 2007-2008. Since then, yes I've been growing and maturing, but it has been all inward, self-centered. I desire to move on and grow in serving others and working for their good.

And this would happen in Kentucky.

Away from my incredible family and friends, contra dancing, blues dancing, the Beery house, Webley-experiences, recesses, my bicycle...

I can let go of it all.
Is it time to move on?

I promise. I promise I will get my degree some day, but I need to live more in the real world first to understand why I am putting the money into the schools and why I want that degree and which degree I want.

Wish I could afford to "take my time." If only time was the issue - but it's money that is dictating so many decisions, these days. But if it's God's way, I know he'll provide.

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