Friday, December 28, 2012

c u t

I’ve got this defense mechanism that’s awful. I cut people off prematurely in fear of them doing the same to me.

Back in 1997 I met someone who became one of my closest friends. We spent a bounty of time together (extensive) and then he did something in 2009 called getting-a-girlfriend and  cut me off 100% for a year.

And it hurt.
A lot.

Yes, that story can get a bit more complicated, but it conditioned me in this way:
If I have a close guy friend and he gets himself a ladyfriend then I’m going to find myself without that friend.

And then I get frustrated.

Because, in the end, they’re not the ones that get hurt. They go from having me to having her, they're never alone, and I’m the one who’s left alone with my hands up in the air asking, “What did I do wrong?"

This has affected me and my relationships with men extensively. Not relationships - friendships. When a guy gets close enough, I see what’s going to happen. I know I’m the one who is going to get cut off and so I’m infamous for cutting them off before they can cut me off. I realize how much it will hurt me when they stop calling so I decide to be the one who stops calling.

I tried to do it with Mr. K but he talked me out of it.
It was part of the reason I stopped living with Mr. A (although that’s 19 pages more complicated).
I just did it with Mr. N.
I've had to warn other men of my tendencies...

Yes. I would say this could classify me as a mean person to go and cut friends off like that.

Yet, when I look at my motives and actions and what’s happened to me in the past, I have to admit I don’t feel bad in justifying it by my motives. I’m not really keen on getting hurt or pushed aside. Even worse is when they come back to your friend at the end of their relationship. No. I take that back. It’s not worse at all. I don’t think I’ve ever not been there at the end of it all. Even thought I don’t see him often, I still consider the first lad who cut me off to be one of my closest friends. And, this summer I got to let him know how much his actions have screwed me up.

See, unless I am in a relationship with that man, I’m just an emotional placeholder until he finds “her.” That’s where I saw myself with this current friend. We were talking back and forth, but I knew he was actively searching for an actual “girlfriend" - a position I couldn't ever fill.

“Warn me when you’re about to disappear or cut me off,” I texted him, or something like that.
“I’ll try,” he said.

And I freaked out. This means it was going to happen. So I articulated that to protect myself, I should probably cut him off.

I know it’s ridiculous, but I think I do it because it makes me feel like I have some power in a hopeless situation. I think in these situations, I feel like I’ll always be the odd one out. I’ll be the one left without a friend (which is really all I want - nothing more) and they’ll be set. Once again, this is me being honest (not logical - and not proud of my motives) as I explain that I think that my internal hope is that by me doing the inevitable, what they were going to do to me, maybe they can feel part of the same pain I do.

I’m not going to wait until you drop me.
It’s like not even ducking when someone is going to punch you.

I can think of one experience in which of my closest male friends was in a relationship with a female and our friendship didn’t change at all. She let us spend lots of time together. But, the thing is, she was crazy. I considered her to be, in many senses, a very abusive girlfriend so I can’t even consider what happened there “the norm” because she wasn’t.

Kurt explained to me that, when a guy is in a relationship, it just isn’t appropriate for him to spend one on one time with another female time. And I didn’t get it at first but now I really do. I get frustrated by it, but I do understand. And that’s why I keep running. I'm not supposed to be good friends with a man with a girlfriend.

“..but we don’t even know if she likes me.” That was what Mr. A said when I saw what was happening and that I was going to be dropped soon. He was asking me to stick around because he didn’t even know if he had the next girl secured. He didn’t want me to go anywhere if he didn’t have the next friend-who-is-a-girl figure lined up. I ran. I didn’t want wait to see how it worked out in a way that would always be to his benefit.

His “I’ll try [to warn you before it happens.]” let me know it was going to happen. I didn’t want to wait. I ran.

And, honestly, I’ll probably continue to run because I have yet to see a circumstance where it has healthily existed otherwise (‘cept with my poly-friends who rock).


  1. So Magi:

    I have to ask, since you did not address it and I expected it to be at least hinted to - What does Magi want in a relationship? What does "relationshi" mean?

    Friends do come and go and this is understood.

    So, Magi, what are you looking for in a male friend relationship?

    1. Hey - do you check to see if I reply here? I have a clarification question.

      Do you want me to answer "What do I want in a relationship?" or "What am I looking for in a male friend?"

    2. I responded to part of your comment here:


Your words make me grin.

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