Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A New Bed Every 2.5 Days


Sometimes, like right now, I get this odd sensation and longing in the idea that, "I don't have a home." I don't have a space that is mine. I am always in the spaces of others. I don't have a place to go "home to." After each night, there's always planning to do for the next place to sleep.

Since I left Haines, I have slept in nine different beds. By the end of this week that count will be up to 12. That comes to one bed every 2.5 days. Every 2.5 days I'm in a new space. Not too bad

I want to quickly cover that I'm not meaning to complain. I am not discontent with my life right now  and I know I have chosen it. I know that I could still very well choose to rent a space and "settle" in for a bit and now one is holding me back. However, currently, this is my state of life and I don't know how to dodge it. I mean, I do know how, but I have this strange urging drive to carry on from space to space, slipping away from any possible routine.

I "left my parents' home" back in April 2012. Up until then I was at Shoreline Community College. Since then, I've been bouncing about. The longest I lived in one home was when I was with the H family in Haines. I was with them for three months.

But even as I bounce, I rarely am able to fully settle. I'm rarely in a place where I get to call the shots, if that makes sense - not worry about coming home late and waking folks up. And now the words are choking up in my brain. I don't know how to say what I want to say. I've been going for days without having any time to be me by myself and feel it. I feel drained. I feel exhausted. I feel like it's an emotional flu. I want to lock myself in this room all day and do nothing with it.

Oh yeah. I'm in Portland.
Just showed up yesterday.

New place. New space. Makes me feel like I should be connecting all the more.
But I think I'll write, today. Maybe I can choke out something. Maybe the words will flow again and I'll be steadied again. I know I'll be reading my Bible a lot and looking to Him to reassure me of my identity and my place with him.

Here are some dates:

Portland :: February 11 - 14
Corvallis :: February 15 - 17
Seattle :: February 18 - 21
Cle Elum :: February 22 - 24
Seattle :: February 25 - 27
Bowen Island :: February 28 - 5
Seattle :: March 6 - 7
Oregon :: March 8 - 10
Seattle :: March 11... and leave for Virginia

That list makes me tired!
That list makes me want to cuddle up in a bed and never leave.

I know I don't have to do any of it, I know it's up to me, but I don't know how to not keep going.
I want to stop. I want it all to stop.

With my ADHD and SPD, I crave, more than anything else, routine. Without that, life feels like someone put my body in a food processor. I'm tired and I feel really weird and overwhelmed.

I want to cancel everything. EVERY THING. and find a community in Seattle to live in.
I want to STOP IT ALL.
I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be "interesting" or a "good person." I don't want to have a story.
I don't want to take pictures and make them perfect for the world to see.
I don't want to worry about spending.

Overwhelmed.

And the above thoughts are just genuine honesty in this moment. They don't reflect how I always feel. Just what's racing in my head right now.

----

It's an hour later. Doing better. Going for a walk.
Once again, when I write it sounds like I'm in a very negative state. I go through whims and phrases like us all -- I just so happen to write down the lows and the highs and the not-much's.

2 comments:

  1. Don't lose yourself in looking for yourself. :( Best of luck.

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  2. We'll be on the air 11-12 eastern tonight if you want to call and chat. 202-687-WGTB.

    This has long been a favorite song of mine: http://youtu.be/6iWpGwTJkX8

    ReplyDelete

Your words make me grin.

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