Tuesday, March 12, 2013

One Person I Never Want To See Again

I'm going through pictures from last year and, for the first time in thousands of photographs that I ran into a photograph of this certain person.

Not quite as bad, but nearly as bad as getting punched in the gut.

The thought that came to mind is this:
I never ever ever want to see this human being again.

Check out the sincerity in this face...

I mean it.

And this is an odd sentiment, for me, because I don't remember having it before. I don't remember feeling so smashed to bits that I don't even desire any form of reconciliation. I usually either want to see someone again or could care less, but rarely do I feel passionately against a reunion. I want to dissolve every memory. The horrible thing I just realized, in this, is that the photograph I'm using (from a couple weeks back) was theirs.

I have learned to keep my emotional boundaries up really high. You might lower yours for me but I'm not ready to meet you in the same place.


Last night also revealed to me of something I need to work on. I believe I am supposed to love everything. That doesn't mean let them walk over me or keep them in my life, but love them. The person mentioned above - oh goodness, is still love them. I might not want to see them because I know that wouldn't be good for me, but I still care about them

But there is one person I have trouble loving. It's someone I've known for a long time and someone who...


She was in my dream last night, as was her mother.

And I am ashamed to say that I was so bitter towards her. That's not something I want to feel. I tried to remedy this by acting nice towards them a year or two ago when I knew they were having a hard time. And, the childish part of my thought was that I thought by me taking a step, she would then take a step and meet me there.

That's the thing in kindness, if you expect something back, you're doing it all wrong.
I expected my gesture to be appreciated.

The last thing she said to me was that I "threw her to the dogs."

I'm still praying that I can learn how to love her. I don't know how to, right now. I'm praying that I can see her through Jesus' eyes because mine certainly aren't doing the trick.

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