Tuesday, March 12, 2013

One Person I Never Want To See Again

I'm going through pictures from last year and, for the first time in thousands of photographs that I ran into a photograph of this certain person.

Not quite as bad, but nearly as bad as getting punched in the gut.

The thought that came to mind is this:
I never ever ever want to see this human being again.
Never.

Check out the sincerity in this face...


I mean it.

And this is an odd sentiment, for me, because I don't remember having it before. I don't remember feeling so smashed to bits that I don't even desire any form of reconciliation. I usually either want to see someone again or could care less, but rarely do I feel passionately against a reunion. I want to dissolve every memory. The horrible thing I just realized, in this, is that the photograph I'm using (from a couple weeks back) was theirs.

I have learned to keep my emotional boundaries up really high. You might lower yours for me but I'm not ready to meet you in the same place.

-----------------------------------

Last night also revealed to me of something I need to work on. I believe I am supposed to love everything. That doesn't mean let them walk over me or keep them in my life, but love them. The person mentioned above - oh goodness, is still love them. I might not want to see them because I know that wouldn't be good for me, but I still care about them

But there is one person I have trouble loving. It's someone I've known for a long time and someone who...

Anyways.

She was in my dream last night, as was her mother.

And I am ashamed to say that I was so bitter towards her. That's not something I want to feel. I tried to remedy this by acting nice towards them a year or two ago when I knew they were having a hard time. And, the childish part of my thought was that I thought by me taking a step, she would then take a step and meet me there.

That's the thing in kindness, if you expect something back, you're doing it all wrong.
I expected my gesture to be appreciated.
Nope.

The last thing she said to me was that I "threw her to the dogs."

I'm still praying that I can learn how to love her. I don't know how to, right now. I'm praying that I can see her through Jesus' eyes because mine certainly aren't doing the trick.

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