Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Not Resort to Self-Destruction


10 months and constant changes and a flight to Russia and... and...

It was all supposed to make everything better.

I know this sounds naïve, but I think I thought that in going to Russia, the parts of the past I want to erase would magically dissolve.

Not so.

In the silence of not understanding the daily burble of the Russian that surrounds me, my mind is left to its own devices which sometimes flicker back to a year ago.

I'm not stupid. I could logic it all out. I knew that it wouldn't work like that.
But deep down, I thought it might work.

Maybe if I go to Russia.
Maybe if I get away.
Maybe then I'll heal.

Healing doesn't happen just because you hop on a plane, Margaret.
I'm trying not to resort to drastic measures of self-destruction that have so frequently been offered.

The world keeps telling me one thing.
Society pressures in another way.
And I'm doing my best to keep the ear plugs in as I hum "Moon River" on repeat and not listen.

Why can't I have closure? No hope of reconciliation.
Move on.
Move on.
Move on.

2 comments:

  1. I love you Mägi! I have done the same thing. Change can be a distraction but it all comes back when you remember that you are really the same, and the past is still there. Someday.

    [romans 8:28]

    Miss your face.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hugs, Mägi! We are all rooting for you. Marmite too.

    ReplyDelete

Your words make me grin.

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