Friday, April 5, 2013

Raising the Cuddling Standards



"I've recently found a few exceptions to what I thought was the norm and decided to set my standards there."
- recent Facebook status update"

I don't want to get down, get off, or get anywhere – I Just Want to Cuddle.

This post is a quite Mägi-oriented perspective on cuddling and recent events in my life. If you're not keen on the idea of cuddling with other folks you aren't related or married to and tend to get wound up reading about it, I wouldn't read this. If you're of a certain world of mine that goes, "Mägi - you shouldn't do this," and want to give me advice and get vocally critical of my choices, well, please do it in love and respect. Know that I have heard it and I am aware and am constantly growing and learning and changing. I am finding the balance in my life and some of that is coming through experience. This is the path I'm on, right now. Praying for me might be the most effective thing you can do for me if this sort of things makes you uncomfortable. There's a lot of things I want to write about on this blog and don't because of who I know reads it. But, as I've been honest about most parts of where I am, I'm going to continue to be honest about things that are on my mind.

“...Magi, these are things you should be able to take for granted," said one lad to me just a few weeks ago.

For the first time in quite a while, I had cuddled with someone of the opposite gender, something I had had a huge aversion to for a while due to a long term sour experience that emotionally set me back into whirlwinds of detrimental phonographs of self-loathing and confusion.

That was then.
This person was now.
A healthy human being and I was in a better place.

Just like the other person, it was a completely platonic relationship – but, unlike the other person, this person didn't make an attempt to take things “there.”
(thank goodness)

This post isn't on my sexual orientation – but I am asexual. That means I have no desire to have sexual intercourse with any of you folks out there right now. It isn't something that drives me. I also don't have a desire to kiss anyone. I am tactile, though, and love cuddling! I was raised in a very touch positive, cuddle-oriented family where, each morning, my brother and I would jump in my parent’s bed to cuddle.

What was he talking about that I should be able to take for granted?
To be frank, that a guy wasn't going to turn things sexual on me without my permission.
(permission denied)

This current lad had been re-positioning me to the other side of him, from his left to the right, and to get me there I had to transition over him. In that very moment, when my body was above his, my mind checked out. I dreaded the next part but, at 4 AM, I didn't have much will power to say, “No thank you.” But then, low and behold, he didn't even keep me over him for a second, it was a smooth transition just to get me on the other side.

The next day I thanked him and then told him about what I had feared, in that moment, and how grateful I was to him for not doing anything. He was pretty shocked and appalled. He said that me thanking him isn't something I should feel a need to do. He said that that circumstance shouldn't be the exception. I agree. I just hadn't experienced anything different...

Here's what I've experienced pretty consistently with cuddling with men.
The dudes always seem to have some goal – somewhere they want to go with the cuddling.

Here's the thing, I don't. I have no desire to “orgasm” or “reach a state of arousal” at all. I don't want to “get off” or “get down” or get anywhere, y'all! I just want to cuddle. I'm a very active cuddler in massaging, and that's all I want in response.

I don't want to have to remind you of my boundaries, which are super simple. If you ask, I will share them with you. In fact, I'll probably tell you before you ask. But, still, ask please! Don't wait for me to say, “No thank you.”

This past week, I got to cuddle with another human being whom I've known for a few years. He had always been in my book as, “super-safe,” - he's big on consent and has younger sisters (I've found that dudes with younger sisters tend to be significantly safer although I don't take this as a given).

He respected my desires for what I wanted to happen and what I really didn't want to have happen (an, low and behold, he shared similar ones, which was refreshing) and I blissed out to share space with someone who didn't have an agenda. Over the course of the week, not once did he step out of line.

On the train ride to my next location, I texted him, “I wish your standards of respect and consent in cuddling were something I could take for granted in all situations with all folks. It's sad they're an exception.”

He wrote back, “Go out and teach it!”

Which is sort of what I set out to do in this blog, although I understand it's not clearly organized as I mainly dabble in personal reflection.

It basically boils down to this:

1. Don't wait for me to say, “No thank you” or “Stop.” Ask me what's ok. Give me the chance to say, “Yes” or “No.” A “no” is not a bad thing. You should celebrate if I say, “No.” Seriously. Wouldn't you feel like a complete lame-o if you made me uncomfortable when cuddling?

2. Don't start trying to pull things off at 4 AM when I would rather let my guard down and sleep. Figure out what the nature of the cuddling will be before we're both exhausted and don't change things as we get sleepier. That's not cool, man. Not cool. I shouldn't have to be constantly on guard when I'm ready to sleep.

3. If you're “turned on” for any reason, just ignore it and don't let it change your standards or objectives. I had one man tell me that it was my fault for “turning him on” (I had touched his ear, y'all) and that because of that, he was not responsible for his own actions.

Be the cuddler where, after the fact, I leave feeling empowered and respected. Don't be the one that expects me to lower my standards, that's cheap.

Those who identify with being a human being -  Please, please, please verbally ask (don't try and just read my body language, dancing has taught me how to follow pretty seamlessly) and be open to any answer you get.

"I've recently found a few exceptions to what I thought was the norm and decided to set my standards there."

No less. 

5 comments:

  1. Hey Mag's - Uncle Jerry here - A thought, that most people do not stop to realize and/or just didn't know - The Ear is an arousal spot, believe it or not.

    I had another friend tell me I was "crazy" - than I told him, "Go find another male friend you trust and ask him to touch your ear. Obviously explain why."

    Now why another male friend? Well my initial friend is pure Hetero and I need him to see what I was talking about, by having someone touch his ear that was not his wife or the oposite sex.

    His friend totally understood - but also declined as he stated, "Jj, (my on-line name) is 100% correct. It is! So no I'm not going to touch your ear."

    Even a friend who went to massage school was told to avoid this area as well or if you do, touch with COLD HANDS! LOL ....

    So even if one has NO sexual intentions at all - there are just certain areas you do NOT touch and no I am not talking "Down there". ;)

    Even the small are of lower part of the neck and lower back are zones, that no matter what, they are zones that release 'sexual desires' intentional or not.

    I am all for non-sexual cuddle time, but one also needs to be aware of other parts of the body ears, for example that you simply Do Not Touch.

    Love ya, kiddo - keep being you!

    Uncle Jerry

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    1. I forgot to add - do not blame guys for going there, we are made differently than gals are .... and it's NOT our fault. Yes, we can do our best to 'own' and 'control' ... but .... it's not always easy ....

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    2. Indeed. Those ears are powerful things!

      I'm not going to go into the circumstances of the ear. There are a lot of things here I'm just not really comfortable writing about.

      I know ears can definitely can be arousing for some folks, but I also know a lot of folks where ear touching is exchanged without any sexual feelings. It is possible. I do try to be cautious, now.

      As for "do not blame guys for going there." I will. I will give complete blame - because I don't see them try not to go there. There are lots of ways not to. If they genuinely put an effort in that, they could do things as simple as jumping off the couch/bed or vocalizing to stop. That is not an excuse for doing things to me.

      I do appreciate your feedback and words. Thank you.

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  3. Being touched on the ear (however sexual it may feel) is still never excuse for violating someone's boundaries.

    -Rosea

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Your words make me grin.

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