Sunday, May 26, 2013

But the Cold Sucks When You're Alone

This is a couple year old post I never put up.

N: But the cold sucks when you're alone.
Me: Easy solution.
N: None.
M: No solution? I'll get you a sweater.
N: I'll still be lonely.
M: Jesus?
N: :)
M: Fully agree. You got Austin-weather + Jesus, can't go wrong.
N: Just want him to send me some reliable friends, that's all. Maybe a nice breeze too. Ha.
M: You ok? Don't you have incredible mates or are you in a time of transition? Anyways, I'll be prayin' for ya (for a breeze tambien).
N: I haven't had a solid gorup of friends for a while. I graduated last week... a huge time of transition.

Sounds like my life story. Bit of a drifter I am - in a social sense.
I certainly haven't ever had that always-do-everything-with-them-all-the-time group of friends.

I've never had a solid crew that I could call up whenever or that is known for being with one another.

This takes me back to high school when life existed in groups. You know they existed. You saw them at lunch time.

Now, I did have a group that I sat with, but I never felt like I was an actual member of that group. When the group made plans, sometimes I was invited, but not always. I usually felt like my inclusion was out of obligation at times. Not always. Prom came along and we all went together. Post-gradutation I was with them.

But apart from that, I never really felt like I belonged with that group, or any for that matter.

And sometimes I hated it.
Sometimes I wanted to belong.
Sometimes I wanted to feel like people wanted me there.

And now I am so glad that I didn't.

I'm now grateful that I never was allowed to get too comfortable.

See, I think part of the reason why I had to go through that (not saying God made me go through it or that it was essential, but more or so noting the good that came out of it) was because I was still developing myself as a person (always will be). I was a a time where I would have been easily melded and conformed had I let myself be too comfortable. If the desire to fit in had taken over, I think I might have lost myself a bit. Maybe I never would've left.

But the seclusion let myself grow in independence.

I learned to be content by myself. I learned to amuse myself with long walks in the 10th grade that took me all over. Through my documentations, I became excited with the little things that happened in my life.

And this is where I stopped writing.

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