Friday, June 7, 2013

Preparing to Let Go

You know what?

It's hard.

Even though I know it's her time to go, I still get overwhelmed to think that in the next 48 hours, Grandma Hazel will likely be dead.

I just got this message from Mom:
"Just letting you know today or tomorrow will probably be the day. I am with grandma now. Hugs."

It was sent via text -- hence the briefness.

I'm... I'm... I say I'm ready but I don't know that I am. I'm trying to cry quietly because my roommates are all in bed.

Here's the last picture I took of her.


Preceding that picture was this one:


These are all the hats she had made recently. Grandma is... was a knitting machine! I think she made them for the homeless.

This is how she was when I said good-bye back in March. March! That wasn't that long ago.

See Grandpa? He was the one I didn't know if I would see again. Grandma was doing great.

Goodness, I am going to miss her.

Goodness, I am so incredibly grateful to have had her in my life. I hate using the past tense, already, like she's gone.

I'm so grateful that I got to spend lots of time in February and March with her. 48 hour time periods of just chilling with her and getting to know her. I can truly say that, in the last days when it was possible, I spent time with her.

One of my favourite things from those last months was joking with her about Junior, her walker. She would forget him, sometimes, and we would scold the walker for sneaking away.

There were other times when, in the middle of the night, something would be up with Grandpa and I needed her advice and guidance so I could best take care of him.

We would share lunches and dinners.

Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune each evening! Watching her lay down on the ground and take naps there.

I want more time with her. I want to be there with her, right now. I want so badly to be with my family. I want her to bake bread again and give me a slice. I want to give her one more hug that goes beyond, "See you in a few months or maybe a year."

Those pictures just make me cry even harder. Her sweet, vibrant, loving self. Look at her! Isn't she wonderful?

Even if I got on the first plane I wouldn't make it in time. I will never, never ever get to see my Grandma Hazel again (just like my Grandma Dorothy died without me really having time to prepare - she died when I was on the ferry from Haines to Juneau where I could fly home just to see her).

I'll probably be repeating myself a bit over these next few blogs as I try to sort out my thoughts and feeling. I guess I don't need sorting, though, right now. I just need to let it out.

I titled this blog "Preparing to Let Go," but that doesn't seem right.
It's like she's already gone, even though she's not.
It's like she disappeared without warning.

I know I need to sleep but I can't stop crying and my pillow is soaked and my ears are filed with salt water and...

Human life. It's peculiar, eh?

3 comments:

  1. My thoughts are with you and your family at this rough period in time. Losing my grandmother was one of the toughest things that has ever happened in my life, so I understand how tough it can be. Sending you hugs from Germany!

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  2. Love you, Magi. So sorry. Feels like a rerun of last year. :(

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  3. It is never easy to let go...never. :(

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Your words make me grin.

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