Monday, July 22, 2013

Hold On Heart

I wrote this a couple months ago. It's not valid to a full extent any more.

I will not let my heart go.
I will not risk it.
Should I?
Can I?

Lately, one of those moments has come along called “I'm fond of a lad and he reciprocates and we are both aware of that and have discussed it.” Crazy world.

But what good is that?
Is anything to be done?
Nothing. I don't think I can do anything with it.

I have much more practice with keeping my guard up than letting them down and I still have the fences up with my two feet on the ground, firmly routed behind it.

Sometimes I consider what could be. Sometimes I think I'd like a companion.
Sometimes I want someone that I can shamelessly dote upon. Sometimes I want a someone that I can do nothing and everything with.

And that's when I realize that I especially, more than ever, need to go to Ukraine and have some babies to love. Because if I spend all of my time loving babies, maybe then, in loving them, I won't consider the possibility of seeking out the love of another.

See, while I am very content with being by myself (I'm good at it), I do have a strong desire to find another human being who wants to be more than friends. You know romance? (Did I just say that... out loud?) That stuff I see going on in the lives of my other friends? Yeah, I do want it sometimes. I don't seek it out, but I can still want it. Sometimes I want someone to share these moments with. Sometimes I want someone to ride on trains with and then, even better, wander the villages with in the morning.

But, then I remember what happened last time I even considered letting my heart go.
Then I remember how many hours and hours and days have been wasted because of it. I've wasted so much energy on it and still don't feel like I'm even close to where I was before the occurence.

That was me doing things in my time, not His.

I don't want to do that again.
That was crap.
That was awful.
I would be much better suited to be alone in Tobbit
and loving babies in Ukraine.
Safe with my feet on the ground and the fence built up high around me.

I almost let that guard down.
I took the steps that would've led to that.
But they're up and as strong as ever.

I'm sorry lad. I'm fond of you, ever so much. I know we could have incredible adventures and I know that wouldn't just be my will but a result of the collaboration of two beans who prefer a life ignoring the limits that were suggested to us at a young age. I know there would be tents in the forest and music beyond midnight and a lack of gluten and sugar and an abundance of mushrooms.

I'm not closing any doors. I'm not making any ultimatums.
I'm leaving it open.. sort of. But in that time, you'll easily find another and that's just probably the way it's meant to be. I'm ok with being alone – I've got 22 years of experience of it under my belt.

Update: I put this on publish and set the date ahead of time and now, here it is in public. I was thinking of retracting it but, I think I'll leave it up.

I currently in a much healthier state of mind. Not saying I wasn't healthy then. But I'm steady. I'm glad I didn't plunge or take the dive. So grateful. I let things alone to their own fizzle-nesses and didn't dwell on it much. Wait, Margaret, wait.

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