Wednesday, September 18, 2013

23 Years

This is not my child. All pictures were taken this week at L'Abri. Pictures with the beautiful child are by Linda.
 Happy 23rd birthday to me...

Celebrated with an hour long walk to a warm shower in the finest of company with our matching bramble-stained fingers and closed off with some Scotch at the local pub and being surrounded by love in community at the Manor House.

Guess it's been another year.

It feels like it hasn't been any time at all. It feels like nothing has happened.

It feels like 16 countries were the norm (more of an accident than anything else) and that my three months of snuggling babies was a dream. Those four months in Alaska as a 22-year-old melt into one, much unlike the snow that never melted on my watch.

I check out my life and it all seems quite ordinary.
Life always feels safe.
Too safe.
Same-old.

I forget the prompt for this photograph. I think I was trying to be a wildebeest.
An American-lady wandering the streets of Moscow alone at night in the evening?
Goes along with doing homework and making sandwiches.
Kayaking Norwegian fjords?
Routine.
Tractor driving through the sunflower fields of Serbia?
A mirror of all of the Americans who flee to Hawaii for a week.
Munching raw onions in the Romanian country side?
Yeah.

Reunion with Emily of Ontario.

And here's what I've gotten out of this year.

Meaning isn't found it what you do. It's not found it what you achieve. It has nothing to do with any story I can tell. All of that is crap. None of it matters.

I, like just about every other human on this earth, am scraping my nails against the wall, searching for a sensation to vibrate through my limp body.


And this is why I need Jesus.

Because, no matter what I go out and do, I won't find meaning in this world because it's not here. I've checked a whole lot of corners and found a whole lot of crumbs.

But, when I look to Him, that's when I feel something. When I seek Him, that's when I grow. When I decide I want to be more like Him, that's when I finally make a decision I can never regret and see change in myself. When I look to Him, I can live without fear.

He gives me meaning.

Bed statistics and mileage don't (even though I love those numbers).
Shared meals with strangers don't.
Letters received don't.


I can identify periods of my life when I cut Christ out of my life. The most recent time, last year, was a time of feeling numb, lost, and without identity. It was like sitting on my legs wrong and, they were so far gone that I couldn't even get the pin and needle sensation to arise. I still remember calling down the hallway, “I don't know where I went. I see more of me in you than I do in myself, now.”



So, despite the ridicule of a lot of my mates, despite being told daily by the world that what I believe is crazy (I know what a lot of you all think about "those Christians"), I keep on believing.

You can explain my experiences by any number of psychological phenomena, but it's not going to waver my faith.

It makes sense to me.

I was brought to life in this world to love others.
That's what I'm going to do.
I was released into this world and given, I believe, a desire to explore it.
So I'm going to go bury my face into all the corner.
I have been given freedom.
I'm going to dance.

I've got an ongoing list of where I might run during my time as a 23 year old. It's a bit scattered and I only have two months written in stone (October 22 – December 23, I'll be in Haines, Alaska – feel free to start sending the mail to M. Hubert // General Deliver // Haines, AK // 99827 // USA – I write back).

I'll be in Alaska long enough to reconnect, although recent discoveries on something going on in town that I'm not fond of might keep me from sticking around or coming back after December. My biggest priority is, though, celebrating Christmas with my family. I didn't do that in 2013 and I don't want Grandpa to die without us spending one more Christmas together.

I've had a few desires and inclinations, goals to accomplish.

You would think that, after being on the road for 9 months, I'd feel sort of ready to settle down or maybe chill in one place for a while. Or maybe you wouldn't think that if you know me well enough.


These next paragraphs are going to be like me trying to predict an entire novel after reading the title page (likely titled, “Margaret Runs Away Again or Maybe Becomes Stuck For a Bit but I Know She Wants to be Fluent in Russian”).

I still continue to daydream for hours about following “the dream” with Tobbit, my 1981 Volkswagen Diesel Rabbit Truck (complete with a marine stove with a chimney). This has been the dream for years and now that it's within reach, in my hands, I'm ready to run with it. I'm hoping that by the Spring, I'll be ready to drive Tobbit out of Washington state. I want to make big pots of soup. I want to be surrounded by trees. Idyllically, both can happen at the same time.

There's also a chance I'll be at L'Abri for a few months, first.
There's also a chance I'll be trying to become fluent in Russian in North Carolina.
There's also a chance I'll be attending a Bible college in York, England.
There's also a chance I'll just want to stay in Haines, Alaska.
There's also a chance I'll run back to my childhood town of Seattle, Washington and explore the culture and communities there.
There's also a chance I'll go stay with the Froelichs on their farm for a month, earn my keep, and turn all of my ramblings into something more tangible.
There's also a chance I'll make my way to into a L'Arche community.
Or maybe something else will come up that hasn't even crossed my mind.
There's not a chance I'll be dating anyone.

And, truly, I don't think any of this will be “a chance.” I'm not one for chances.
But I like that word.

It tastes good in my mouth – just like toast, bladder, tabernacle, and turnip. Scratch that last one. Turnip feels odd.

4 comments:

  1. You are defintely not ordinary.
    You have traveled so much compared to when I was 22. Or 23. Hahaha.
    Enjoy it and I hope you have a blessed year. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey, I know that house! And that picnic bench! And trees! And path! And baby! Oh, and that Mägi! Who I love! And this post. Which I also love.

    Also, I like your bandana. A lot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Also, Happy Birthday! Did you get the birthday package I sent you at l'abri?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lovely, wise, joyful post, please keep on blogging and happy happy birthday : )

    ReplyDelete

Your words make me grin.

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