Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Snip Snap

As has been discussed on this blog, I have a history of being cut off and cutting off others. I have what I would consider to be an unhealthy defense mechanism to isolate the discomfortable feeling or fear by ignoring it.

In the past week, I've emotionally disconnected from one human and altogether snapped off another.
Margaret! Why are you doing this? Why?
It's not ok.
And I know this.

So I've been thinking a lot.

I'm going to first conquer expressing what's been going on with the emotional disconnection.

The other human did nothing wrong, but their actions did trigger something in that strangely resembles fear so much that I'm pretty sure it must be that. I had them labeled in my mind as one of the safest folks I know and something happened (nothing crazy).

My mind started calculating and figuring things out and it decided that:
No human is safe and you ought not trust them that closely ever again -- ok? Keep yourself in a bubble and only engage on the surface with others.

I don't like that at all. One of my favourite things about this human was that I was able to let down my guard completely and feel safe around them. Now I tell myself that I ought not to have put them in that position and that I ought not to have put myself in that position.

But now, after a few days, the ideas and thoughts keep bouncing in my head and I start to get that desire I tend to have to have resolution, generally, but throwing things into the open and talking them out. I'll get back to that in a second. I'd first like to review the progression of things.

The day of that which happened (once again, nothing even worth noting and all understandable) my mind decided it would be a keen idea to pretty much ignore the human. So I did. If they sought out interaction, I would politely respond, but nothing much. No conversation.

On day two, I decided to try and reneutralize them to have the same status of someone I meet on the street. At one point they touched my shoulder (same way a librarian does) and a dozen alarms went off and I said, "Hush you alarms! I can guarantee you are safe right now."

I know we're supposed to pay attention to those red lights -- but I do genuinely know that they're not necessary in this situation.

And that's where I'm left. I can sort of be around this human and it's ok, but no more.
I have the desire to not see them or interact with them -- and that's not where I want to be.

Some people can just move on like nothing happened. I don't know how they do it, but I can't. I'm incapable of just pretending my brain didn't just do a few loops. So, I've decided I want to have resolution of some sort... but... here's what happens now.

Frequently, before cutting someone off, I do have things I want to say. But, this horrible voice in my head tells me this, "Talking to them about it to preserve this friendship is not worth it because, to them, you're not worth it. It makes no difference to them if you come or go. They could care less if you were present in your life or not."

I hate that lie.
I call it a lie, right here, because I know I should say it's a lie, but it's a lie I tend to firmly believe just as much as I believe that I will be able to find hemp milk at the market down the road.

My logic turns to this (logic.. meh):
1. In order to feel comfortable around them I need to communicate with them.
2. Communication takes their time.
3. Time is something they value and they need to value something in order to spend time on it.
4. I'm not worth someone's time.
5. Therefore, we can't communicate.
6. Therefore, I can't feel comfortable.
7. Therefore, it's better to cut them off which won't really make a difference to them anyways.

There's a couple of other factors in there but that's it all stripped down and simple.
Not sure what to do so, for now, I'm just hiding away in different corners of Portland.


1 comment:

  1. I do 1 through 6 very often. My heart is with you.


Your words make me grin.

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