Saturday, January 18, 2014

T Encore

T & I
One of the hardest parts of going back to Alaska, this past fall, was knowing that A was going to be there and that I would have to see him. Generally, he packs out of Haines each fall but, luck have it, he decided to stick around this time. In a town of around 1,700, you can't help but run into someone, frequently multiple times a day.

Over the few months I spent there, by nothing short of a miracle, I never saw him. Somehow I was spared going through that and I'm not entirely sure how, but I'm grateful. I had had the attitude that if I was supposed to see him, I would, and if it ought not be so, I wouldn't. I had peace with that.

So I left. No A.

I know A because I met him on the dance floor in 2011 and, the third time I met him, I went up to Alaska with him and his friend, T. T was very much so apart of my first few months in Alaska and in getting me up there. I've spent hours learning his songs, being in his presence, and rubbing his scalp. This is someone I knew well.

Then, when things went funky with A, T stepped away and he recently, in the past year, sent me a message saying that what I had done (such as cutting A off, since that hurt his feelings) was not reconcilable. I screwed up and can own that. I'd like to quote A here, though, from one of our last conversations, "Magi, I didn't do anything wrong."

Needless to say, T and I are not on good terms.

Last night I arrived in Portland - population 603,000. The chances of running into someone I know here are terrible slim. I was spending my night at a home that I had come to for the purpose of being safe (I've been really off, lately). I was satisfyingly smushed up on a couch between P.R., D, and B when the door opened.

And in walked T.

How do these things happen?

Of all of the houses of all the nights of all the times of all the places in the world?

Why the same one?

After months in a place where it was beyond probable, I never saw A
But at the time when I would never, never expect it - guards down - in comes T.

I ran into B's room. Had a panic attack. Fought it (grateful for counselling that taught me how back in '08). Felt safe again.

Thanks, Portland.

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