I'm debating posting these words I typed up yesterday, early in the morning between breakfast and laundry. It's hard to know what balance of posts to put up - how many happy cheery memories to how many snippets of the lower realities of life. I'll summarize where I'm at now at the end.
Today is a day for Elliot Smith and Neutral Milk Hotel.
I thought that things would change. I thought this feeling would shake off. I didn't think I'd feel this way at the beginning of term at L'Abri, the place where I'm currently living in community.
Today, after breakfast, I lay curled up on my bed, crying and expressing a sincere desire, to Liz, to not have to live life any more. I don't like it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling this way. During the meal, this familiar sharp numbness made a reappearance in my life. It's a feeling I know well. It's the same one that drove me to want to take naps all the time earlier this year. I looked forward to napping because, when you're napping, you don't have to worry about anything.
Every time anything I said anything, this morning, I hated myself. I loathed myself. I felt like an idiot who would do a lot better sitting by herself in the basement. I feel so disconnected. I felt this wave of nothing cross the front of my brain as I sat, looking at the chocolate chips.
Can't I just be happy? Can't it be simple like that?
Can't I just love the world and feel loved?
I was talking to Liz about how, when I started term, I thought I "had it all together." Ha! She expressed a similar sentiment towards herself. I didn't think I had anything to work through. That's why I'm helping out here, right? I feel more messed up than I did in 2011. And I feel like there's no time for me to be messed up. Not sure if that made sense. I feel like other people should be working through their "stuff" and maybe having a hard time (L'Abri can be hard) but I'd be fine. I felt good coming into this. "Everything is going to be great."
And now I'm here and wishing I wasn't.
I'm surrounded by the community desired and wishing them away.
It's not that I don't like the people, I just don't want them near me. I don't want them near me because, in my own warped cognitive distortions, they make me feel moronic. It's nothing they do - but I sort it out that way, all against myself. I hate every word that comes out of my mouth. I tell myself I'll be quiet and then I speak up again.
Normally, if I feel this way around folks, I can just choose to get up and find new company. Maybe it's something broken in me, but I can go somewhere else and not have to deal with it. I can't do this here. I can't even escape. Everyone is there, 24/6. We eat together. We work together. We clean together. We wake up together. My temporary solution is to spend my time in my bedroom. Each interaction drives me down a bit lower and I feel like maybe I just dumped in a paint-can of teenage angst or something like that. I wish I could spare them all the dreadful obligation of being around me.
And I wish I could all of a sudden say a quick prayer and make it all better - maybe read a Bible verse and know who I am. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe it's all been a lie. Maybe after all of this, I'll just start running away again.
I don't even know what to work through. I don't know what questions to ask. I don't know how to come out of this hole, and it feels like it's getting deeper each day. I thought it was a short lil' PMS-funk, but it's lasting a bit longer than I'm used to.
And now for the update from a sunnier Margaret. I was grateful to be able to have a talk with one of the humans who runs the community. Once a week we have a meeting. He's worked with a lot of people in my position (helper) and was able to sort of talk me through things. He didn't turn it to rainbows and butterflies, but spoke of reality and where I was now, and let me know that it was ok (which it is). We talked about how this is a small portion of a huge ocean, and how I can sort of ride the wave... not sure if this is making sense here. Anyways, I did that, rode the wave. Later in the afternoon, I was doing a lot better and I woke up feeling great (the word I used to describe how I felt was "beautiful").
Living in community this intense, this close, will never be easy. It brings out a lot in you you don't always want to face - and having the time to face those things, not ignore them with bouts of Facebook or YouTube. It's all laid out before you and there are folks that you get to face day after day. I know I said I wished I wasn't here before, but I am grateful to be here. It's not easy, but it's where I want to be.