I'm in my room alone and content and writing about how I'm content which makes me wonder if I am.
Just about everyone (all 'cept one) is out, through the woods, over the bridge, and gathered around a fire. I heard word of it after dinner and felt no real draw to attend. Normally I'm into this sort of thing, I love fires. But I couldn't get up the desire.
I felt like I should want to, though.
They went out. I said I'd be there in 20 minutes.
I turned on This American Life and pulled out my deck of SET cards. For me, this is a pretty idyllic way to spend a night. Sofia came back and I was encouraged to join the crew outside. I said I would.
I grabbed my headlight and headed out back. Within minutes I was with the crew around the fire.
Back at the house, I didn't really want to go, but I thought I should go. It's not uncommon for me to not really have the gumption to get out my front door. A lot of times, though, I force myself out and I end up having a swell time.
Well, that didn't happen tonight.
I went and it was...
it felt like I wasn't there. I felt like I didn't care. I felt a complete emotional disconnect from everyone there and every interaction felt like something of a violent obligation. So I left.
10:08 PM and back inside my safe little room.
And then it was time to process what had just happened, because I like to understand. I wanted to know why everyone else was happy to be out together around the fire and why I didn't want to be with them.
So I walked myself through my day and realized it had been a long, long day. I had been running full speed without a pause since 7 AM when Liz's alarm woke up.
Today really was a good day. I got to spend most of it outdoors in the sun and I felt well and accomplished, like I had done something with my time. I spent the first hour of the day preparing breakfast for 10 people (oatmeal dyed green -- Happy April Fools?). I made a few pots of tea and attempted to start a fire. We sat around for the table for around 40 minutes as we ate oatmeal and talked.
Post-breakfast, I did laundry for around three hours. I did a few loads and, since we had sun, I was able to hang it all out to dry. So many pairs of jean!
|The view from where I hang up the laundry.|
In the middle of this, I did get a tea break to share with everyone but, for me, time with people rarely feels like resting time or recharging time. Being with other folks is a drain and it's rare I find folks that I can hang out with for extended periods of time and have it feel sustainable. During the tea time, Claire and Emily both left for good. Emily was with us for the full term and we had spent the past 10 days getting to know Claire. Emily is of California and Claire is of Australia.
Then we had lunch. This lasted about an hour and a half and involved delicious bangers and mash (thanks Matt!), green beans, and I was served frozen blueberries for dessert (the rest of the community had carrot cake straight from the oven). So lovely. The entire lunch, my brain was engaged.
After lunch, it was time to put on work clothes and head out into the sun. As I was going to get my overalls, Tim forcefully grabbed my wrist and started to drag me towards his room which freaked me out. I shouted and punched and twisted his arm. My brain went into fight mode and was trying to hurt him before he could hurt me. It turns out he just wanted me to have to feel the butter on his doorknob that Liz had slathered on. He thoroughly apologized afterwards. Out in the garden, we were divided up into work teams, although we didn't call them that. Tim and I got to work making a trellis out of bamboo we found in a "to burn"-pile down a dirt road not far from L'Abri.
We latched together two sets of two sticks of bamboo, forming a point. These were placed in the garden bed. We propped up one side of the bamboo with a brace of bamboo that went into the center of the bed. From there, we put a stick of wood across the tops of both triangles of bamboo and set up more sticks of bamboo along the horizontal bamboo.
After our afternoon tea break, we went back to work. Once the trellis was made, I hobbled back home to take all of the laundry down from off the lines, folded it, and sorted it.
Then we gathered and ate the murgh makhani that Liz had made for us. More talking around the table.
After the meal, Ian played the piano and guitar and I played cello. He's fun to jam with.
Tired. So tired. Throughout all of this, I'd like to add, I had a headache. It started at around 11 AM.
So... that probably explains why I didn't feel like going out to be with everyone around a fire.
I think it's time for me to go to bed, now.