Thursday, April 3, 2014

Step One. Step Two.

In six days, I'll be on the road headed to wherever I'll end up.
In six days, my time at L'Abri will be over.

I'd sort of like to say that I'm sad and will miss it terribly, but that's just not the way it is.

My emotions have sort of plateaued and I feel like I'm able to take a clear look at my life when at L'Abri. There's been a lot of good this term. There's been a lot of grins and, even more important, the potential for growth or the beginnings of growth.

Currently, the entire community is gathered around a laptop watching "Harper's Island," a "a horror thriller/mystery mini-series" (WIKI). This isn't something I really want anything to do with. So, I'm warm and cozy on my bed writing to no one. This seems so different from the community I knew at the beginning of term. I'm trying to think of what's happened between now and then. I know something must have happened.. maybe I washed and matched socks a hundred time and made over 20 beds and made over 21 meals.

I'm eager for the 9th when I'll be on the road again. I don't know what will happen, but I feel ready. There are two paths that I can imagine. There's the reckless one and the one that I know could be good for me in many ways. One plays into the rhythm I keep playing and the other has inclinations towards deeper desires.

From hearing those, it seems like it would be an obvious choice of what to to do but, well, with me, I'm not exactly known for taking the rational, logical path. Maybe it's time I do. Maybe I should rebel against the road I'm so tempted to get back on.

I'm not sure, yet.

Step one is to get Tobbit up to ship shape. There are still a few things wonky about him that need to be fixed.

Step two is... is...

Maybe I should quickly file my taxes?

Yesterday, while talking to Clark, my mind sort of got turned upside down. I don't know what to do with it. I had a lot of thoughts to process but there was no time to go through them.

We talked in the garden, he was laying in the grass and I was perched up on the bench. That evening, the verdict was that I had lightly sunburned my face into a toasty pink that means that winter just might be over. We turned over rocks and ideas and at one point, he made a bold, bold statement. It was pointed, a bit jagged, and true. Questions started to build up along with a fear of leaving L'Abri, the shelter. I feel vulnerable, not ready for the real world.I know I just wrote the exact opposite above. I know that. When I think of what might happen when I leave, when I still feel so unsettled and shaky, I'm afraid of where I may fall.

We headed back inside for lunch. I felt like a wreck and made my way into the library. It was that or the bathroom. I just knew I was about to loose it. Sofia was there and I asked if I could cry with her. She took me in her arms and I wept. It was lunch time and before the tears could fully dry, I was at the table. I was asked if I wanted to take a tray (eat on my own), but I didn't really want to be alone. Before seeing my face, Julia asked if I could put Sarah Beth. to bed. Sarah Beth is a sweet little tot and putting her down for a nap twice a week brings me such delight. When I turned towards Julia, she quickly took it back, realizing that I wasn't quite in a state to put her down - but I was. "I'd love to," I told her. She told me I could say "no" and I told her that I genuinely wanted to put Sarah Beth down for her nap. "You can just hold her and cuddle her a bit," she told me as she handed me the child who quickly nestled her head on my shoulder. We went upstairs and sat together for a while. I just held her and we rocked back and forth.

Lunch discussion was about pot.

After lunch, I had to start on dinner, no break in between. Dinner was fried rice. In the middle of it all, Jessamy loaded up Tobbit with the tea-things and we had afternoon tea by the garden. After tea, it was back to the kitchen, for me. Between chopping and stirring, I took down all the laundry I had done earlier that day (a load of sheets and towels and a load of dark clothes), folded them, and put them away on the self for the students to claim.

Then we ate dinner.

And still, I hadn't had a chance to think.

I knew that we would be watching a movie after dinner. I wasn't ready.
While folks were still chatting over dinner, I quietly slipped away and hopped in Tobbit. I drove to Cape Roger Curtis in anticipation of the sun setting. Down at the end of a few ways that turned to roads that turned to single-lane paths, I found myself parked next to another Volkswagen. A short conversation was exchanged and then I headed for the rocks.

The sun went down, sort of. It went down the best way a sun can when there's no sun to set when the sun is hiding. I pulled out my Bible and started to read. I opened it up to the Psalms and, as I did, an bald eagle came and perched in the tree, right above me. For the rest of the time I was there, he was there. A seal jumped around in the water at the end of the rocks. I read.

Headed home.
Watched a Russian film.
Went to bed.
Talked to Liz until 1:03 AM.

The day is done. Bam.

Post-Morning (Mid-Afternoon) Update:
I am curled up in my sleeping bag by the fire and quite content. It is Liz, Tim, and I. So swell. I want to go to Alaska. I filed my taxes and was surprised with the tax return. Enough to get me and Tobbit around the State quite comfortably. Maybe we'll be up for a figure-8 track around the country.

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