Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Follow Up :: I Was Scared

Why do I have such a problem with self acceptance? Where does this kind of insecurity come from?

Yesterday, I was in an odd state and declared myself unlovable (darn old record! I should know better) --- and then went to the post office where eleven beautiful pieces of mail were waiting for me.

Folks who sent me that mail, thank you.
I'm still sorting through things, but to have that tangible love-notes in my hand made me feel steady and encouraged, supported.

I don't want to find my self-worth in letters, but the boost was fully appreciated.

To expand - I'm feeling a lot better today. These past few days were a bit odd. In my last post, I covered how I've been working on conquering some fears lately. This week, I conquered one. When I wanted to cut a human off, they wouldn't let me (well, they would - but they encouraged me to extend communication - it ended up to be wise advice).

They showed up and the open communication started up right away.

Right now I feel a solid sense of gratitude. I'm grateful for this weekend.

There were the simple things that kept life chipper (lots of music making, more music, dancing, steam bath, green stuff, frittata, goat milk, strolls, and seals) and that was all lovely. What I am grateful for, though, is that I was able to work through this. This human gave me the space and time to figure things out and clearly communicated and listened well.

For some reason I still can't figure out, they wanted to be there and cared about working through it all. I still don't get it because they barely knew me before they even came and knew that they would be diving straight into a bit of a mess that I was sorting out (not referring to Tobbit - he's clean as a clean pot.. or a whistle).

This week mean ta lot to me because it was an attempt at taking very, very deliberate steps away from what I initially wanted to do, the easy route. The easy route was to just make a few snips in life, say farewell, and move on.

I was grateful because a lot of times, I do want to work though things with folks, I just can't imagine them having any sort of time or desire to work through it with me. Two weeks before they came, they wrote out, "I have a desire to work things out and to understand.. I consider you to be someone very worth investing effort in..." which sort of caught me off guard. It was nice though. It's not often someone knows something won't be easy but still will go through it with you.

At the end of the week, I had a new friend - and I think that's quite lovely.
I'm in a good place. I'm glad this is the path I took

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