Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I Don't Like Being Scared


As I drove down the road, I started to feel a hot burning sensation in my stomach. At my exit ramp, I felt the contents of my stomach shift and I quickly opened the door and vomited. A few minutes later I was at my destination and I threw up again, promptly, upon entering the bathroom.

This was the first time in my life I had ever thrown up out of fear. Normally it's a bug or a sickness or a Nanaiamo bar or food poisoning, but this time, it was out of sheer fear.

This month, I've been seeing if I can work on conquering my fears. I can't think of many, but the ones I can think of, I've been facing full force. This one, though, is a bit much. I was supposed to meet someone there. It was someone I sort of wanted to meet, sort of didn't. If I met up with them, there was a lot of mental and emotional work to be done that wasn't going to be easy. I was scared to see them -- scared enough that I vomited.

I don't really have anything else to say about that. I'm still trying to figure out what the wise thing to do. How much should I put myself through in the mighty name of "friendship." I keep wanting to abandon ship, but I've done that a lot and I'm trying to relearn a new pattern.

Don't know if I like this.
Don't know if it's the worst idea ever... I think it is.

I keep telling myself to stay calm and keep grounded - it's hard. I'm doing my best not to shut down - it's hard. I blasted Baba Yetu over and over this morning, trying to get over the sensation that I had just been punched in the gut.

My new fear is reverting into who I was a few years ago and putting myself in the same loop. I've already started to hear the same broken records start to play.
 

2 comments:

  1. Oh beautiful Lukie,
    I would ask you if I could hug you, and if you said yes, I would. I would give you a big bear hug, and then turn on some music and we would dance and then pile into your car and sing and play Ukulele as we drive to Mailbox.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Georgie, yes. I would like a hug from you.
      Yesterday I got post from you and read it as I walked down a trail and it made me grin over and over again. I pinned the flower to my dress and it matched perfectly. My reply will come soon! Love you!

      Delete

Your words make me grin.

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