As I drove down the road, I started to feel a hot burning sensation in my stomach. At my exit ramp, I felt the contents of my stomach shift and I quickly opened the door and vomited. A few minutes later I was at my destination and I threw up again, promptly, upon entering the bathroom.
This was the first time in my life I had ever thrown up out of fear. Normally it's a bug or a sickness or a Nanaiamo bar or food poisoning, but this time, it was out of sheer fear.
This month, I've been seeing if I can work on conquering my fears. I can't think of many, but the ones I can think of, I've been facing full force. This one, though, is a bit much. I was supposed to meet someone there. It was someone I sort of wanted to meet, sort of didn't. If I met up with them, there was a lot of mental and emotional work to be done that wasn't going to be easy. I was scared to see them -- scared enough that I vomited.
I don't really have anything else to say about that. I'm still trying to figure out what the wise thing to do. How much should I put myself through in the mighty name of "friendship." I keep wanting to abandon ship, but I've done that a lot and I'm trying to relearn a new pattern.
Don't know if I like this.
Don't know if it's the worst idea ever... I think it is.
I keep telling myself to stay calm and keep grounded - it's hard. I'm doing my best not to shut down - it's hard. I blasted Baba Yetu over and over this morning, trying to get over the sensation that I had just been punched in the gut.
My new fear is reverting into who I was a few years ago and putting myself in the same loop. I've already started to hear the same broken records start to play.