It was a moment of weakness when I hid under the covers and stumbled over my words in an earnest desire for an answer.
"When I was a kid, the world was confusing and frustrating. It wasn't till I was in junior high that someone was like, 'Hey! You're wired a bit different, have a different chemical balance, and have things like ADHD, SPD, trichotillomania...' and then the whole world got a lot clearer. I finally had a different lens to help me understand my experiences. Now I'm older and I keep wondering if there's something else wrong with me."
"Nothing is wrong with you," the human replied, paused, and then added on, "Well, you are kind of weird and hard to follow at times."
For some reason, hearing this came as a surprise to me. For some reason, I'd lately come to think of myself as pretty normal. I'm not really used to identifying myself as weird as I can understand the logic behind most of my actions ('cept some of my impulses). Later they asked if I believed them when they told me that nothing was wrong with me but all I had heard was the second part of their reply.
I was wandering about and thinking about this over the past few days.
"Am I that... that... am I that weird?"
Then I remembered this blog post I did a few years ago: On ADHD and Being Weird
It's truly one of my favourite posts I've written because it explores one of the raw edges of ADHD - the one that can socially ostracize some of us if we're not in the right loving crew. It's not just to that little girl I was writing to, it's a reminder to me.
It felt odd to get encouragement from a younger me, but I was grateful for it. Reading that post put me at ease. It was a reminder that I'd worked through this before and didn't have to worry about it. I wish I wasn't so forgetful but, goodness, I am and grateful for lessons written down to be relearned.
I don't know how to be anything or anyone but who I am. The human told me not to change and I wanted to laugh, as if I could change even if I wanted to. Sure, I can grow and mature and become a better human, I can develop my character and become a more loving and less-selfish person and all these things are aims of mine - but I can't change the core of me, the part that makes me who I am and makes me laugh and enjoy life. In social situations, it can be a bit peculiar at times, this I know, but on my ownsome, it's something I get a kick out of - and every once in a long while, I find a similar soul and that feels like finding a $200 bill (if those exist) on a walk in Arkansas in the fog.