Monday, June 2, 2014

Sabotage and Sauerkraut

I really need to stop doing this.

Any time I find a human of the opposite gender remotely interesting, I sabotage everything and do my best to make them go far, far away.

I tell myself that they're just like A and will do what A did.

Who's got patience for something like - for someone who thinks like that?
(this is me referring to them having the patience for me)

I try to wear a coat of apathy, telling myself that they don't care (even when they tell me, "I do have a desire to work things out and to understand," and "I care about you."). I have a really hard time believing that they do until they've shown me (thanks, K, J, and N - I value you humans abundantly) but I rarely give them a chance to even do that.

I see that all of this comes out of hurt and fear - but how are they to know that? Who has the time to work through this sort of muck? Usually you work through this kind of thing with folks you're already close to, not starting off any sort of friendship with a shovel and a pickaxe.

"Take a chance," I keep getting told - but it certainly seems like a huge waste of time where I'm right where I want to be. I'll keep my chances along the lines of one-way tickets and wandering the Moscow metro at midnight and sticking my thumb out on the highway.

But, there is this one human, lately. In the past two days I've thrown them the worst I could conjure (someone should lock my computer up, they really should). We'll see if they stick around. I'd like to tell them that it would be worth it but I feel I've already said too much.

Grateful for feeling steady, loved, and connected in this community.

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