Thursday, July 3, 2014

So It Goes

I should probably feel awful, but I feel free.

I keep wondering if it's like the steam burn where it happened and I knew it would hurt, but it took a minute for the hurt to kick in. I wonder that, but it doesn't hurt yet.
I do feel horrible for the way I affected this human, last night. I feel bad for dragging them through the mess, but I'm glad they got what I said over a month ago when I told them, "Hey -- we shouldn't be in each other's lives." When I said it before, I wasn't being dramatic, I meant it and thought it was a wise course of action.

That's a harsh statement, I know - but it has to be that way, sometimes. Shouldn't be. It's certainly rare - for me, this is only the second time in life where I've felt a need to have it so. I could be wrong - often am.

Being around them wasn't good for me. It made me vomit three times. It brought out a side of me I don't even know - hadn't seen since A. It's a side of me that I can't even figure out because it appears so rarely. I hate it.

It's the rare appearances of this side that scare me, though. I see a pattern. There's a nasty side to me that appears when I feel vulnerable and scared and feel little sense of security. With K, it might have appeared but he gave me so much security and space to work through it that we were able to - when it started to appear, he made sure I knew I was loved and that he weren't going anywhere.

I tried to deal with this and work through it because I thought I should. I thought it was the right thing to do. I gave up five days of work for this (which is a lot for someone who only works 3 days a week).

It's not that they did anything wrong. They're a wonderful human and I hold no criticisms of their character.

Now, though I feel free, I'm still coping and I have two options.

One is to go hide in Tobbit where I can't hurt anyone.
Two is to go be around people I know love me and I feel safe with.

I think I'll go for option two. I'm currently in a house that has been nicknamed by a few of us, "The House of Comfort," the ultimate shelter. I'll be heading back to Lopez this afternoon, which is where I really want to be.

Breath today.
Tomorrow will be busy.
Saturday drive to Canada.
Sunday come home.
Monday or Tuesday, Nyk comes.
Off to Patos on Saturday.

Oh life. It goes on, and I'll keep running ('cept not literally because whenever I try, I fall down because my ankle gives way on me.. so I'll dance).

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