Sunday, November 30, 2014

Post Crash Thoughts

Well, we're both alive -- that's worth celebrating.

On Thanksgiving, I managed to crash the Asher. He's totaled, I was told. I was also told it was a severe crash. My brother was the passenger. The roads were slick. I was driving 15 mph under the speed limit, which wasn't slow enough for me to keep us on the road. Forty miles per hour.

I can't help but keep thinking back to that moment.
It's s a dangerous place to go, because it makes me cry.
I keep crying
and crying.

And I want to stop. I want life to be normal. I want it to be something that almost happened but didn't.

Can't life go on as normal? How much time to heal this one? Three days.. right? I'll be ok in three days.

Physically, I am really well off in regards to what my body was put through. Despite my gratefulness that my head is full in tact and I can still move my body how I want it to when I tell it to, gratefulness doesn't make the pain go away. I'm in pain. I don't know what's happening to my body. 20 hours of nausea (I think it's past). My back keeps feeling like someone is stabbing it. Random aches that aren't so random after the 15th time I move the wrong way. It could be worse, I know it could, but I still feel like my body was put inside a car that flipped a whole bunch.

Mentally, I don't know. I'm glad Doctor Adam prepped me for what, mentally, was going to take place. Highs and lows. He said my brain had a lot to work through and that it could take a while to heal. He used the phrase, "Near death" or "faced with death," and that thought alone makes me cry. Yeah. If the car had just slammed a bit different, who knows what the result would've been. How would I've done it differently? 30 miles per hour? The roads weren't that icey -- I had driven that stretch four other times in the past 24 hours. I don't know. I messed up. I screwed up. I crashed. I'm scared. I don't want to drive again.

I told people I couldn't drive because I would crash.
And I did.
And it was scary.
And I hate it.
And cars seem to do so much damage.
And I feel scared. I feel really scared.
I feel like hiding in my room.

But life goes on as normal. Absolutely normal. Nothing really changes.
I'm always in awe of how life never, never stops. No matter what happens, it keeps chugging along and there's no choice but to keep up with it.

I spent all day, yesterday, on the couch. Bless my little niece who would come over, time after time, and snuggle with me. After the crash, I kept running full speed with my brother, and when he left, it's like everything had built up and exploded and I felt exhausted. Today I spent all day cooped up in my room. I want to stay here. See, in here, I can cry whenever it passes. I don't want to cry out there -- I did that enough on Thanksgiving. I have to keep my thoughts in check. I don't want to talk about it but I do.

Wish someone could tell me what to do. What's best for my recovery? I think I want to go to the physical therapist and chiropractor in town, just to make sure I give myself the best foundation I can for recovering.

That moment of watching the road start to move out of order in front me -- the moment of realizing I couldn't do anything at all to fix it. Looking over at my brother thinking, "In ten seconds, this will be over and we'll be ok or we won't." I hated that moment of defeat -- it came so easily, bracing myself for the impact. Did we have to turn over and over? That moment of trying to reorient yourself in the car. Where is up? Where is Ian? "Are you ok?" "Yeah. Are you ok?" "Yeah."

And life picks up where you left it, minute by minute.
And it's cold.
And you're hoping someone comes soon.


  1. Im praying for you Maggie! Did you get my email? I totally understand what your feeling. It feels awful and scary and gross. But, it does get better, I promise. Let me know if you want to talk.
    Emily Wood

    1. Emily, thank you. I got it and replied -- did you get my email? I ove you.

  2. So many hugs to you, m'dear. Gosh. I've experienced similar stuff, and I know how awful it feels. I know it feels awful right now, but keep your chin up when you can, (you don't have to! It sucks! but in those moments when you can), because you are still here and loved.

  3. A wise woman I knew would use the words, "Isn't that interesting?" to comment on things beyond control. You have come through a scary and destructive encounter with the laws of physics, and you are OK. Isn't that interesting?

    One of the first practitioners I see after an auto accident or any physical trauma is my chiropractor. I have had good luck with a physical therapist, too. Trust your instincts in this area.

    1. Thanks Larry! I just saw one the other day -- really glad I did. He helped me loosen my back and I get to go back frequently for massages, now.

      Isn't that interesting?

      I like that.

  4. Healing is the journey you go on after accepting God's invitation to live life abundantly.

  5. Big (gentle) hugs from Seattle. I totaled my car in 2000, right after Richard moved to the US, and my first thought was "OMG I've killed him." It took a long time before I was able to drive on the highway, but given that I had to drive to work, I couldn't just not drive. Driving a stick shift helped me regain my feeling of power in the car, but I still shy away from making left turns across traffic. I hope you are able to feel calm again soon. And good luck with the PT -- I was achy for months after my wreck. :(

  6. Right before impact, things got quiet and slow and calm. If I had pulled out any further, I might have died when the car racing up the hill in the rain hit the driver's side. In the months that followed, I was grateful not to have a car. When I did get one again, I was scared even driving half a mile to get a Redbox movie. I'm glad you and Ian are alive and safe. Healing does happen. Things do go back to normal.

  7. Wow. I haven't looked in on you for awhile and saw this. I'm glad you aren't hurt too bad physically, but I've been there too.. the mental trauma doesn't go away so easily. Some years ago I had an accident that also did not hurt me physically but changed the course of my life... The people in the big pickup that hit me were hurt though. Not critically, but badly enough to make me feel like garbage for a long time, and to still feel like garbage now when I think about it. The accident was probably unavoidable, but the guilt is still there. It was not icy, but raining... just a wet, slippery road. Rationally, I know it wasn't my fault, but everyone thought it was, because the person who pulled out in front of me and caused me to have to try to change lanes to avoid them, and sent me sliding into the opposite lane left the scene. Lots of recriminations and guilt heaped on me and no one would listen to me about the tan van that suddenly pulled in front of me and then sped away. I felt totally alone. I was going to go back to college in a month.. all accepted and everything, but wound up just not going. I felt like... screw it, you know? People think I'm garbage no matter what, so why bother trying anymore? It changed my life. It changed my relationship with my parents. It was a bad time, and the effects never went away.

    Don't blame yourself. Someone was looking out for you. It was an ACCIDENT. Seriously, it was not your fault. Sometimes things happen like that and even superhuman effort cannot avoid them. Sometimes we just have a brain fart and do stupid things and bad stuff happens. I know... but you did not mean for it to, in fact you tried not to let it happen, but it did. It can't be changed now. Try to forgive yourself all the way through and know that you are not garbage because this happened. You're just human. And sometimes humans are human.


Your words make me grin.

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