Friday, December 26, 2014

Margaret --- You're Not Alone

2011
 I feel so loved and supported.
And it's crazy.

I am writing this to look at all those nights when I want to moan and say, "I'M ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD!" When that happens, I can come look and go, "Bam! No you're not!"

I am grateful for these friends.
The sort of friends that...

... rejoice with me when I let them know I'm not coming back, because they know it's good for me. I was supposed to work for this family starting soon and I was calling to say, I'm not even coming back to say good-bye. The mom's first response was, "Good!" because she was happy to hear me on a path that made me happy.

... give me an outside perspective. Who talk straight to me.

... are wise and I know I can go to them for advice.

... say, "Hey Margaret! You should just go to Washington and I'll pack up all of your belongings and mail them for you."

... open up their home to me if I'm going to school in Washington.

... send me letters of encouragement when things are rough or even when they're dandy.

... help me understand the world.

... let me visit at ridiculous hours and make me feel absolutely at home.

... go wayyy out of their way to bless me.

Grateful.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Over and Under



There are so many things I could write about. So many interesting, amusing, wonderful things worth remembering.

But I'm exhausted.
I'm tired.
I didn't want to get out of bed today.

Lately, I haven't wanted to eat. I've lost about 9 pounds in the past few weeks.
Finally, yesterday and the day before, I got myself to eat.
Yesterday I drink some juices and ate a lot of vegetables... and oatmeal.. and some potatoes and two pistachios. That's definitely progress!

Yesterday, I ran on nothing.
And I feel like I can't even say anything. I can't address any of my hurt and exhaustion because my friend just had a baby and, you know, my anything is nothing compared to that... right?

For the past few weeks, I've been running on empty.

I did finals.
Then, the very next day, I packed for Juneau.

I am here because I care about my friend, her child, child to come, and her partner and I said I would be here. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it.

I barely had the emotional togetherness to hold myself together, let alone support another human -- and other human giving birth. But I said I would. I knew that me forgetting me for just a week or two longer, in the long run, would be better than me taking care of me.

So I haven't taken care of me, not in the full sense. I uprooted my life to live without routine or purpose in Juneau until December 26. In case you're wondering, when emotions are rough, routine is all you have. Purpose is what keeps you going. I felt nauseous about leaving, but I had said I would. So I did.

Thank goodness, the day before the birth, I took a me day.

Well, sort of.

First I went for a walk with this guy. A few nights earlier he had non-consensually done some things at 3 AM. Luckily, I mustered up the energy to ask him to leave. Later, in talking to him, his words painted him as some even more so I should be weary of. But, for some reason, I decided to go for a walk with him, hoping he'd explain and make me feel safe.

Nope.
He beat around the bush.
He didn't talk straight.
He didn't say anything that helped.

So mid-conversation, I realized that I didn't have to deal with this. I don't have to be around people who are emotionally exhausting me.

"I'm done. You choose one direction to walk and I'll walk the other."

We had been walking to the store. I had been hoping I could coax myself to eat something. I browsed the store for an hour and came away with a box of tea. (side note: I ate today -- I got this!) I went home and locked myself in the house all day. Normally I go to the gym each day but today, I spent most of my time on the floor or in bed. I pulled out a stack of VHS tapes and worked through them, watching films I'd never seen like Hitch (which, I am disappointed to report is not about cars, as I had been thinking for the past 9 years) and Dirty Dancing (which I am not disappointed to report is about dancing!).

I'm glad I took that day off, because I got the call the next morning and was at the hospital all day.

By the end of the day, that nothing I had been running on, well, guess you can get lower. This isn't to say it wasn't beautiful and amazing and I was glad and honoured to be there - this isn't a reflection of that experience, specifically. But it is a reflection to say that I'm not the best with emotions right now.

I called up a friend.
Then, a bit later, I started to get sad as I have lately.

See, I don't think I'll be home for Christmas. I bought a ticket for the day after Christmas, just to make sure I could be there for baby's birth.

Now I'm realizing I'm going to be in Juneau alone on Christmas.
I know Christmas is just another day, but I don't want to be here alone.
Crikey, I don't even want to be in Alaska another day.

It's not that I don't like Alaska, I just feel so exhausted and want to go be with family. I want to go feel secure. I want to go ask my counselor what is wrong with me. I want to see the sun. I want to not feel this way any more. No thank you.

I called up my brother. And then I started to cry.
I wanted to go home.
That guy is amazing, he bought me a ticket to come home two days early.

My Dad and Mom were amazing to buy me a ticket to even come home for Christmas -- I used those tickets to buy the ticket to come home. Apparently I'll be flying first class.

So ready. So eager.
So exhausted.
So tired.
So confused.

I would like to add that this isn't 24/7. I'm not constantly in the depths of despair. Working out helps, routine helps, I was social a few times. Dancing helps. Being around calm, secure people helps. I don't feel hopeless. I know that there will be an end to this. I know I won't feel like this forever. I'm not always walking around feeling sad.

This is just a snapshot of right now and a lot-of-lately.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

WA Move

Hometown Park 2012
I'm thinking of moving to Seattle in 8 days.
Moving-moving.

As in... moving back to Seattle.
Maybe for seven months

I haven't lived in Seattle for longer than three months since 2011. I know three years doesn't seem like much (it isn't), but in this stage in life, with so much that's happened... goodness.

Where did this come from?

Where?

It occurred to me a few weeks ago when I got a job offerish-thing in Seattle (sweet!).

Here's the status update I put on FB a few days ago,

Potential job in Seattle (interview in a few weeks). They want someone who will stick around for seven months, till September! Till SEPTEMBER! Seven months! This could be a good growing experience... or kill my soul? Tempted. Seattle's a nice place, very nice place. I could get into dancing, roller skating, and other hobby-things you can do in a city. Yeah... hobby-things.

Then I added this:

Reasons to Move to Seattle:
1) Dance scene

2) Could hang out with Adam (and Josh and Racheal)
3) Not just "catch up" with friends I've known for a while but not spent time with
4) The food is not as expensive there as every other place I've lived lately (islands and Alaska cost extra dollars)
5) PDX and Vancouver are super accessible
6) 40 hours at ONE place... not trying to coordinate schedules
7) Rollllar skates! I need something to work hard at. Dat'd be fun.
8) Seirm!!
9) Language communities
10) Dude... in one place for a while... with guys my age... I could actually, like, date someone....
11) Music collaborations
12) I feel supported there
13) Wide spectrum of humans to influence me
14) Public transportation!!
15) Can see family more frequently
16) Rebuild Tobbit's engine with Alex
17) Curling
18) Could see super awesome plays
19) CULTURE! CLASSSICAL SYMPHONIES!
20) The Hill (Hannah)

Not bad, eh?

Since coming to Juneau, I've met up with a few transplants like me. They both expressed a done-ness with Alaska. They're ready to move on. Alaska can be great, but limiting. It's not for everyone. I love this place immensely and it's a nice place to call home, but for a twenty-something, it's not exactly the land of opportunities. Neither of them are in their twenties, but both are people I really respect. They're ready to go. I'm ready to go.

So Seattle.
Soon.

Originally, I was going to go to Seattle for Day-After-Christmas till January 9, then hop back to Haines for a bit before coming to Seattle. My friend said, "Hey! Why don't you just go to Seattle now and stay. We'll pack up your room for you and ship it down for you!"

And that idea sounded super great
I was feeling weird, before the call. Major stomach ache (stress induced) and crummy.. and I was smiling and laughing and, yes, yes, I want to go to Seattle.

I could have a routine - a life - in Seattle.
I can feel safe, secure.

There's a lot I don't want to leave in Alaska, but I think it's a good time.

For now, I'll just type up this post and not publish it till things are absolute and ready to go.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Reasons I'm Crying


I've been crying a lot lately.
Doctor told me it was most simply described as PTSD and that this crying thing might go on for a month or few.

Here's some triggers, lately.

1) League of Their Own made me cry about four times. One time, it was major body-shaking sobs.
2) Going to church
3) Hearing "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" at church
4) Trailer for the new Annie movie. The part where she jumps on the bed.. I lost it.
5) Biking
6) Saw a little toddler named Margaret on the ferry
7) YouTube clip of four girls who play Matilda getting a Tony
8) Feeling confused with finals
9) Hearing Hillary describe the births of her kids
10) Hearing Dani talk about giving birth
11)  Amy Grant
12) Someone mentioned a pump organ...
13) Searching on Google for "Baby Tucker" and finding this.

Hey! It's all good.
I feel fine. I don't feel down.
I just cry.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

fall2014grd


After a two year break, I decided to try school again.
Did a class.

Studying for finals was rough post-crash. 40% of yours grade is based on the final.

How'd I do?

4.0!
Bam!
Hard work pays off... and I'm as capable as I had hoped I was.
Schoooooool.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Finals Completed :: Hoorah!


Ahoy! Just finished the quarter and took my final.
One final.
One class.

Don't seem like much, but it sure feels like a lot.

I decided to take the exam a day early. I was on a studying roll and realized that waiting till tomorrow wouldn't do much. This way, I just got it over with.

Boom.
Boom.
Boom.

Done.

Feels good.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

supercutehuman


I live with a supercutehuman.
Studying for finals is hard when, really I just wanna hug that human and play with her.
And then, I go downstairs for water and she runs after me, laughing and asking "UP? UP?"

So I hold her and give her plenty of hugs and kisses... but when I put her down, she cries.

I go upstairs to do math and she cries and cries and I'm doing math.

I'm sorry, Pearl. Really, I would much rather be with you than my math homework, right now.

Math Update

Studying for finals is rough. I don't know what's what. All these things I used to know seem to have gone somewhere. Luckily, I've calmed down a lot. A family took me in for the past few days and let me sit in front of their fire and cry at my math.

So, I can read my text book.

I'm trying to work on what I can. Trying to focus --- it's really hard.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

girraffe envelope


I can do these problems! I CAN! I've done them before.

Started small.
A problem that is simple.
One that needed laws I could quote at any hour in any mood.

Why isn't it working?
Why am I not working?
What is wrong with me?

Soggy soggy soggy waffles.

"Glad you're ok brother"


First car crash.
Brother posted it on Instagram.
Third person to comment on it?
Macklemore.
That one guy with 3.1 million followers on the site.
If he posts something, some 81,000 folks "like" it.
My brother worked with/for him on Arrows.

He's very glad my brother is ok.
I am too.

IANINALASKA


My brother visited me in Alaska!
And it was lovely.
And I want to write more..
and will...

There. A happy post.
Bam.

Failure to Submit


I didn't turn in my assignments yesterday.

It was half the work as normal with a few more days than normal (thanks to it being the end of term and Thanksgiving).
I didn't do one.

And..

I don't know.

That's not me. I always turn in my work. Frequently, I do a rough draft and a final draft for my regular weekly math problems and turn them in 24 hours in advance. I'm that student.

I didn't do them.
I have a final on Wednesday.

I looked at the review problems. Nothing makes sense.

It's not that I haven't understood this class. After all assignments, quizzes, and the midterm, I have around a 98.4%. I got a 98.46% on my midterm. I'm not clueless.

But I am.

Finals Wednesday.

Luckily, no nausea today. No vomiting.
I think I'll just start relearning everything with the review problems. Maybe it will click?

Can I just quit all of this and go hide in Tobbit in the middle of Kentucky?

Side notes: I'm in communication with my professor and she's great and supportive. We're seeing how I do these next few days. I'm not worried about the long-term. I know I'll be all healed up. I also know that time will do wonders, so I'm patient for that. The only thing that's sort of complicated with this final. Beyond that, all is chipper and dandy.

My experience is not unusual.

I don't write from a place of hopelessness. I'm fine or know I'll be fine. Right now, I'm just using my blog as a place to sort out emotions. Some are a lot more down than others. 

Friday, December 5, 2014

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Crash Update #2

Photo by Ian Hubert

I'm doing ok. Really I am.

I feel normal at times and then there are the lows and those lows are so, so low.

It'd all be ok -- but I have finals next week. I need to find the motivation and energy to sit down with my schoolwork and study, but it hasn't come yet. I've done a bit of it, but nothing that's due... and it's all due tomorrow. Luckily, only 9 out of 10 assignments are used to determine your final grade so I could skip this and still potentially get a 98%. Luckily, I really did my best earlier in the quarter.

But... that final is 40% of my grade.

I haven't cried about the crash, lately, but have at everything else that involves little kids singing.

Physically, I'm on the path towards healing. I've seen the chiropractor and all will be well. I'll have massages twice a week, probably, for the next few weeks or months -- which is totally ok with me.

I've been taking/using arnica, ibuprofen, hot water bottles and heat pads (but ice immediate after to help with swelling), stretches, spsom salt baths, hot tubs, and have rested a lot. My housemate, Nik, made this rad salve out of devil's club and cranberry bark which work wonders.

Anyways.
I don't know.

Thanks, everyone, who's been there for me, both in thought and in Haines. I appreciate it.
I'm sorry if I haven't written back to everyone. I'm a bit backlogged. Starting Thursday, life clears up, school-wise, and hopefully my mind will also be... no, it'll take time. Maybe?

Once again, grateful the doctor told me this mind thing would happen.
Knowledge is power.
Healing takes time.
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