Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Over and Under



There are so many things I could write about. So many interesting, amusing, wonderful things worth remembering.

But I'm exhausted.
I'm tired.
I didn't want to get out of bed today.

Lately, I haven't wanted to eat. I've lost about 9 pounds in the past few weeks.
Finally, yesterday and the day before, I got myself to eat.
Yesterday I drink some juices and ate a lot of vegetables... and oatmeal.. and some potatoes and two pistachios. That's definitely progress!

Yesterday, I ran on nothing.
And I feel like I can't even say anything. I can't address any of my hurt and exhaustion because my friend just had a baby and, you know, my anything is nothing compared to that... right?

For the past few weeks, I've been running on empty.

I did finals.
Then, the very next day, I packed for Juneau.

I am here because I care about my friend, her child, child to come, and her partner and I said I would be here. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it.

I barely had the emotional togetherness to hold myself together, let alone support another human -- and other human giving birth. But I said I would. I knew that me forgetting me for just a week or two longer, in the long run, would be better than me taking care of me.

So I haven't taken care of me, not in the full sense. I uprooted my life to live without routine or purpose in Juneau until December 26. In case you're wondering, when emotions are rough, routine is all you have. Purpose is what keeps you going. I felt nauseous about leaving, but I had said I would. So I did.

Thank goodness, the day before the birth, I took a me day.

Well, sort of.

First I went for a walk with this guy. A few nights earlier he had non-consensually done some things at 3 AM. Luckily, I mustered up the energy to ask him to leave. Later, in talking to him, his words painted him as some even more so I should be weary of. But, for some reason, I decided to go for a walk with him, hoping he'd explain and make me feel safe.

Nope.
He beat around the bush.
He didn't talk straight.
He didn't say anything that helped.

So mid-conversation, I realized that I didn't have to deal with this. I don't have to be around people who are emotionally exhausting me.

"I'm done. You choose one direction to walk and I'll walk the other."

We had been walking to the store. I had been hoping I could coax myself to eat something. I browsed the store for an hour and came away with a box of tea. (side note: I ate today -- I got this!) I went home and locked myself in the house all day. Normally I go to the gym each day but today, I spent most of my time on the floor or in bed. I pulled out a stack of VHS tapes and worked through them, watching films I'd never seen like Hitch (which, I am disappointed to report is not about cars, as I had been thinking for the past 9 years) and Dirty Dancing (which I am not disappointed to report is about dancing!).

I'm glad I took that day off, because I got the call the next morning and was at the hospital all day.

By the end of the day, that nothing I had been running on, well, guess you can get lower. This isn't to say it wasn't beautiful and amazing and I was glad and honoured to be there - this isn't a reflection of that experience, specifically. But it is a reflection to say that I'm not the best with emotions right now.

I called up a friend.
Then, a bit later, I started to get sad as I have lately.

See, I don't think I'll be home for Christmas. I bought a ticket for the day after Christmas, just to make sure I could be there for baby's birth.

Now I'm realizing I'm going to be in Juneau alone on Christmas.
I know Christmas is just another day, but I don't want to be here alone.
Crikey, I don't even want to be in Alaska another day.

It's not that I don't like Alaska, I just feel so exhausted and want to go be with family. I want to go feel secure. I want to go ask my counselor what is wrong with me. I want to see the sun. I want to not feel this way any more. No thank you.

I called up my brother. And then I started to cry.
I wanted to go home.
That guy is amazing, he bought me a ticket to come home two days early.

My Dad and Mom were amazing to buy me a ticket to even come home for Christmas -- I used those tickets to buy the ticket to come home. Apparently I'll be flying first class.

So ready. So eager.
So exhausted.
So tired.
So confused.

I would like to add that this isn't 24/7. I'm not constantly in the depths of despair. Working out helps, routine helps, I was social a few times. Dancing helps. Being around calm, secure people helps. I don't feel hopeless. I know that there will be an end to this. I know I won't feel like this forever. I'm not always walking around feeling sad.

This is just a snapshot of right now and a lot-of-lately.

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