Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Cheers.

I have about 10 unfinished drafts I haven't made post-worthy.
Or they're not good to be posted.
Up and down and up and down.

Today was a real down.

You guys, I haven't been ok. I've been pushing through and pushing through since the crash and each time I think I'll rest, I keep on running.

I'm so tired.
I'm so done and done with so much.
I feel empty and wasted.

This evening I lost it and went into hysterics. That loud sobbing that takes control of your body, contorts your face, colours your world, and doesn't leave. Where you can just shake and shake and cry and feel like there's nothing left. Over 20 minutes of incomprehensible numbness that isn't numb enough. Normally tears last a minute or two - these seemed to have no end.

I was in the midst of trying to calm down when I used a swear word. My parents found that an opportune time to correct my language as I am currently under their roof.

Folks -- if you ever see me in puddle-form, please don't consider it a great time to remind me not to swear. When I feel great emotions, I sometimes want those words because it's what keeps me from doing the following...

That sent me into a rage. I wanted to knock everything to the ground... so I did. I threw books and glasses and kicked metal boxes and large thingys over. I wanted chaos. I wanted to stop. I didn't know how.

I reached up, grabbed a handful of hair, and yanked and felt a whim of satisfaction that soon dissolved back into hateful anger.

The fury soon subsided into even greater sobs that left me immobilized on the floor, coughing and sputtering on spit and snot.

Mom would come and then leave because I wasn't able to show her I wanted her there. I didn't but I did. But then she held me on the couch and I wanted that.

I'm not doing ok.
I'm not.
I don't know how to get to someplace higher.

For now, I'll keep acting.

I know the internet isn't the best place for this. I know.
This, however, is how I'm used to communicating to a lot of folks. It works. Writing also helps me cope. It helps me reflect. It helps me process.

Morning reflection ---


After I wrote this, I curled up in the studio with a stuffed animal (comfort at it's finest) and fell asleep right away with the lights on. This morning I took an epsom salt bath (something really tweaked my back out yesterday morning and it's been killing me ever since), exercised, and realized I've only gained a pound in the past two weeks to make up for the 9 pounds I lost. This pound was gained after I chugged water, hoping to make the scale read higher.

The number of times I cry, each day, is increasing. I cried yesterday in class (silent-tears, yo) because the teacher mentioned the word "car crash."

I put on a face when I interact with people, but stick around enough hours and I'll crack.

I keep putting myself in positions where I feel responsible for taking care of others, carrying their emotions, sharing their sorrow and stress, taking care of their needs, feeling guilty when I don't feel I can pull things together. I don't feel like I can barely figure out what's going on with me.


This isn't how it was supposed to happen. This isn't how things go.

Give it time, though. I know it gets better - but in that moment you don't see that.


I know this isn't the best thing to throw out to the universe, or the internet. I know, in this day and age of Instagram and Facebook we're supposed to on show the best. I've found, though, that when I'm honest, on here, people are honest back. When I share my sorrows, someone else lets me know I'm not alone in these emotions and that they know what it's like and that they've been there. I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. I'd rather my friends see me for where I am, right now, in honesty than keep painting them a portrait of who people seem to expect each time the run into me.

3 comments:

  1. I've been there before- probably more than I'd like to admit. You want to push everything away but at the same time have it surrounding you with love. One day the acting will turn into real feelings. It's hard for the now, but eventually it will evolve. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Praying for you Mägi. I'm endlessly amazed by you and your life.

    Job 1:21 has really gotten me through rough times.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you haven't gotten ahold of Dishwasher by Pete Jordan yet, you should get it from KCLS. Also, just so you know, you're the best at blogging of anybody I know in real life. Hang in there, you write a powerful word, the world needs that stuff.

    ReplyDelete

Your words make me grin.

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