Friday, January 9, 2015


3 year old Margaret with her Dad
For the next two months, I think I only want to hang out with people who are ok if, all of a sudden, I snap and flip and become another human for a while. I want to be around people who are ok with me telling them how much I hate everything and aren't going to try to convince me otherwise, but will remind me of the human they know.

I can try to hold it in, when in social situations, if I go crooked, but that tends to make things worse. I'd rather feel what I'm feeling now in this moment so it can pass on and not build up. Thing is, a lot of people don't really want to see you when you're telling them how much you hate life.

And there's a lot of people I don't want to see me like that. Because what if they can't see that this is.. is...

A dear friend of mine wrote me this, "...And I want you to know that this is trauma. No failure on your part, this is what trauma is like." (thanks Purple Sock)

Which was pretty novel to me.
In all of this, I feel like I'm an awful person.
I feel like an absolute failure.

Why can't I cope?
Why am I not dealing with this better?
Why am I melting down?
What's happening?

And for someone to step in and say, "This totally makes sense, based on what you went through."

I've had two people, in the past four days, see me in full grump-mode. What was sweet was, they let me be me in that moment and let me feel what I was feeling. Goodness, that was relieving. When I didn't have to put on an act. When they let me know they weren't going anywhere and they just wanted me to be honest with what I was feeling then.


Thanks for the encouraging comments, you guys. It really does mean something to me -- a lot. It makes me feel not alone in my head.

1 comment:

Your words make me grin.

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