Tuesday, March 24, 2015

And Back Down

I've been riding a high for 1-2 months and grateful for it. I've been growing and feeling steady.

Then, of course there's a down.

And oh, oh how down that down is. It's puke-yer-guts-out-and-choke-on-tears down.

I don't have to to scrawl on about that, though.

Today I was sad. Doing that thing called being sad.

And then I realized I have a kickin' rad support team and that made me cry the super-great kind of tears (while listening to "Take On Me" by A-ha). I have friends who are there for me in the fullest and, for that, I feel so grateful.

For every bit of smallness I feel right now, my friends are saturating me in love, and that is lovely.

Last night I was able to call Megan. When frozen, I sent texts but was stuck. Finally, I got up, got in my car, and called her.

"Can I come over?"

She welcomed me there to share a bed for the night. I wasn't going to be alone. She clothed me in the fuzziest of pants and shirt and stroked my hair and helped talk me through things. I know she's there for me today hour by hour.

Marni was there for me today.

Today my friend P asked if I was mad at him because I wasn't responding to anything. I quickly assured him that it was nothing of the sort. On the contrary, I'm absolutely overwhelmingly grateful for him. I told him I was sad

"Hmm... Do you need company? If so, I am completely free tomorrow after work. I have the yoga class tonight from 6 to 10. I'd like to go, but I am able miss it if you need someone this evening.
I also have soup, but it's not incredible."

We talked a bit, made plans for the next day but the, here's what really made me feel loved and like I was truly being taken care of.

M: Yoda is cool.
M: I feel likea srupid puking puddle.
P: Alright. Let me know if you change your mind. My phone will be on till 5:50. I hope you're able to find peace this evening.

He let me know that, even after I said I was good for the night, if I changed my mind, he was there.
I know that if I go back to Marni's house or need her, she's there.
If I need Megan, she's there.

And if they weren't there, I'd still of A, A, M, M, I, S, J, L, C....

I'm not alone.
And I know this.
In all of this, I know I'm not alone and I'm oh so, so, so grateful for that.

Hopefully on the other side of this hill, I'll see that I can handle the lows, and that will be empowering. Hopefully, this won't be a huge set-back. Hopefully it will be growth. Thankfully, on one side, it's saturated in love and I know I will be ok.

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