Sunday, April 26, 2015

Eating Is Hard Right Now

The doctors want me to try to eat something every three hours to keep my sugar up.

You would think that was easy.
You would think three meals would be easy.

I thought so to --- until I kept not succeeding.

Yesterday I woke up feeling hungry but not wanting food. In my mind, this is not a mindset I want to be in so I decided to turn getting food into a positive event.

"I will take myself out on a date to get food!"
"I will walk to the Grateful Bread and eat anything I want to off the menu."

I set out, two blocks later, I felt a bit light-headed so I had to....


Moral is --- I can go 24 hours without eating because it doesn't please me always right now.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015


Today Megan and I were chillin' in Washington state when I saw MY car parked in the parking lot.

I saw it from a distance and thought, "That is totally, totally an Alaskan car."

For some reason this car is super popular in Alaska and you can find it all over. Subaru's... I had a Subaru Loyale. Sheeebanng!

This is the car I crashed.
Same color.
Same car.

Then I saw the license plate...

Yep! This is totally an Alaskan car.

Afternoon Upslide & Getting Personal on Facebook

"I'm stressed out and crying in a car (second appointment canceled today on me that I didn't know was canceled till I got there) in North Seattle. Anyone want to eat food or something? I feel very... sad. Don't want to be in my head."

That was the status update I posted yesterday at around 4:57 PM yesterday. I had just left home for the second time for a second appointment that I learned I didn't have... the second time I drove out of my way for something that wasn't. Driving is an energy-suck for me and I was frustrated.

For me, on a good day, I can deal pretty well with changes in plan on the fly but, in this case, I was still sort of on the edge and it didn't take much for my mind to go, "What is happening? But... but.. you said... the schedule!"

So I started to feel anxious and cry.
And I felt very stuck... so I jumped on Facebook.

I've been talking to folks, lately, about they use Facebook for. Some use it to share information, other to get people to affirm them, others to update folks on their lives.

Facebook is how I keep in contact with a lot of my friends and it's a way people support me.

I quickly posted that status update and within minutes, had a list of amazing, loving friends (like Sarah, Warren, and Lyssa) inviting me over. Lyssa was only seven minutes away so hat sounded like a good option. She was also 4 minutes from I-5, the road I would take later to my evening event (music making... post-rock).

She welcomed me oh, oh so graciously. She provided a fuzzy cat and delicious treats (fig bread and apples) and just walking into her home completely, totally changed my brain. Kiki's Delivery Service was playing in the background on the television which is the finest of movies - simply soothing.

Seeing Lyssa was just, just what I needed.

Facebook is such an interesting place.

There's part of me that feels like posting such a vulnerable status out in public for everyone to see is a bad idea. Logistically, it's something of a poor choice. However, there's quite the purpose that can be served when you're honest on the web - people were there for me. Within minutes, I was reminded that I had a support team there for me, friends who cared. And this wasn't just a "like" - these were tangible invitations to go spend time with real humans in real life.

I've been pretty honest on Facebook, lately. A quick browse through my statuses will tell you how I've been doing in Seattle.

I try not to post too frequently or use it as a means of complaining - I just find it a great way to mass communicate with friends and let them know where I'm at.

Part of this comes out of a frustration with how Facebook seems like such a mask. Facebook lets you choose how you let others perceive you - you get to edit out the good and show the bad. While I understand why you wouldn't want to put the bad eternally on the internet, and I'm not looking for specifically that, it seems to be a horrid way to feel like you're in touch with your friends.

I have a specific story about a super-dear friend of mine.

While I was struggling majorly, each time I glanced at their feed, I was bombed with images of how perfect, perfect their life was. Everything was put together and lovely and sunshine and rainbows and... and I couldn't handle it. Even though I love them immensely, in this time in my life, seeing that wasn't helping me because I couldn't relate to it and it made me feel even more alone and isolated. It's not that I didn't want to share in their joy, I did, but I didn't have the emotionally capacity to celebrate.

What I didn't realize was that that was just what they were showing and that there was a whole lot going on the flip-side - the part that isn't public on Facebook (which I respect completely). One day they messaged me a heartfelt note talking about their recent struggles and how they could relate to me.

I was taken aback.
I had no, no idea.
I was absolutely clueless what they were going through.

It made me a bit sad.

What a false image of intimacy Facebook can give us, at times.  Glancing at someone's Facebook page is considered "catching up," when, in reality, it rarely represents even a fraction of reality --- ok, it represents something of a fraction.

I'm honest on the internet because I want people to be able to read my blog and actually know how I'm doing, not just how I want to look. I've had a lot of people talk about how they connect with me through my blog. This is sometimes one-sided, they connect with me without me having a chance to connect with them - but on Facebook or with blog comments, it can be a dialogue. If they want to check up on me, which is why I started blogging, I want them to get an honest glimpse.

Part of this is because I don't feel like there's enough honesty with emotions and I think that can lead to loneliness and isolation. When you see everyone's perfect Facebook life, all you can do is reflect on your own with all the flaws sticking out awkwardly and painfully.

I've had a good number of people comment to me privately in letters, messages, and word that they appreciate the honesty and a majority of them have something personal to say in response in how they can relate. When they relate to me how they relate, then I can relate and I can go, "So I'm not the only one!" I want people to be able to read my words and think go, "I'm not alone in how I feel!" Knowing you're not alone is such a grounding feeling when things are a challenge.

Some, I suspect, think that bearing all on the internet is something I do carelessly and thoughtlessly and I'd like to assure them that it's not. There's a lot of thought that goes into the content I release and I very, very thoughtfully censor out a lot of it. There's a balance I seek and I try to be mindful of what I reveal. I don't claim to have extraordinary wisdom in my actions, but I do try to be aware and use what wisdom I have.

I'm truly grateful for the internet and off-internet community I have backing me, right now. I appreciate how quick they are to support and how real their love and support is. It's a steady constant for me and it's nice to be able to count on humans and not feel too jaded at the world.

Thank you.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015


Life's not all down and rotten... it isn't!
Like I went to L'Abri!

I want to write about the happy stuff, but that hasn't happened yet... much... sort of...

I love Liz!

"I feel like a human, and that's great."

I don't mean it, I know I don't... but sometimes I think that I don't care what's wrong with me, as long as they figure it out soon. I want to know.

What is wrong with me?

Is it something I'm doing? Is it something I'm doing to myself?

In America, everyone begins every greeting with, "How are you?" and... and... I hate it.

'cause I want to answer the question but I don't want to get into it.
I want to be honest but I really don't think my body is a topic of interest or importance.
When they ask, some care, but most are asking because we ask.

but I feel like a liar if I tell them fine because I'm not fine.

Well, I am. Sometimes I am. I feel like a human, and that's great.

Friday, April 10, 2015

It's Friday!

This is my I'm-sick-and-staring-at-the-tv-or-computer-and-feel-like-an-absolute-blob Face.

Just writing words... this is what I'm doing lately. Not trying to compose anything or organize thoughts. I just remember that writing has helped me through past things and maybe it will help me now.

When I get mucked up and behind and confused, sometimes it's hard to write because I don't feel like I can make my thoughts come together. It's hard to make words come out. It's have so many thoughts bouncing that need to come out but I can only get half way through any blog post. I have hundreds (well, 271) of unfinished blogs posts and even more in my mind.

I write because I don't feel like talking. I mean, I do, but not to everyone. Talking to people takes energy that I don't have. I started to blog to communicate with people far away. Now, even though folks aren't far away, it's a way to communicate from the safety of my couch.

I woke up feeling crappy. I think I might be getting sick.
Now I've already felt sick, but this is a "am I getting sick?" sick. Thing is, if I am, I can't go to work at one of my jobs because there's a human with an immunity system that we don't want to test out. Gotta keep that human nice and healthy! Top priority.

Spent the morning on the couch. I wanted to clean, I need to clean, but I was too tired. I got down beans and avocado but threw it up a few hours later.

Got to see a friend and get her to Target to get bath-things.

Back home, I had a bit of time to rest before going to get a massage.
Massage and then to counseling for a few hours.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted. I tried to clean the kitchen and managed to empty the dishwasher. Guess it's late now and I should go to bed. I've been tired for a few hours now, but am trying to not go to sleep to early or too late.

Just drained.
Wiped out.

My body is fighting something and I was already barely with it. And work starts Monday. And car tomorrow. And I'm tired, you guys. I'm tired.

Is this all in my head? Am I making it up?
I don't think so. I don't.
And we'll figure it all out.

The counseling session was good and made me realize that I'm not as off and unstable as I thought I was. I'm actually doing ok.

Bed time?

National Siblings Day

Happy National Siblings Day!

I put my brother for a lot, but he's consistently awesome and worth celebrating.
Ian, I celebrate you.

conconcon crash crash

They are just looking into it.
Probably nothing.
but they want me to see a neurologist.

Once I flipped onto my head on concrete.
Another time I crashed.

They want to make sure everything is alright up there.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Not Alone, Not Hopeless, and Brain Scans

I think I wrote this before for last down.
but now this down.

I am so grateful for this :: I don't feel hopelessness.

There is hope and both my heart and head believe it.

There is, for me, a big difference between my head believing something and my heart. It seems that even when I logic something out, in my head, my heart doesn't always follow.

This time it is.

I'm grateful to friends who have drilled into me how much they love me and care for me oh, oh so much that I can't ignore it or doubt it.

As for hope.

This will be resolved. It will be worked through.

I even might get a brain scan!


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Little Orphan Annie

Today at work, I threw up. I knew it wasn't a I'm-contagious-sick sort of throw-up so I just let it slip.
I'm used to it.
I throw up a lot. My body just rejects things, sometimes.

Anyways, evening plans got canceled 'cause I just had to be and I felt gross.


and then I got a very strong notion that I just had to go the Shoreline Library. I had to.

Now that's not a library really on my radar. I think we went there 3-4 times growing up. Last time I was there was in 2013 before I left for Russia.

Not sure why, but I had to go.
So I did.
It was between A and B and that worked for me. It was an awkward "in between" but I made it work.

The day looked like this:

This is just a snap up the street from where I parked. Seattle -- all this sun!

Into the dark library I went.
And I did what's a good thing to do when you want ALL the stuff in your basket.

I grabbed every single thing I wanted off a shelf on a whim.

This was Mom's suggestion. The other day I had a craving to buy so I went to the thrift shop and blew $8 on random items. As long as I don't over indulge over time, I'm not too worried. I got things like cassette tapes and books and a cozy sweater.

Mom said, "I used to do that at the library!"

So I did that.
I indulged

I grabbed..

The complete Little Orphan Annie: daily and Sunday comics 1935-1936
Hot VWs magazine
Martha Stewar Living magazine x 2
Washington Trails Magazine
Diario de Greg
Lessespass Mit Dem Bucherbar
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: the Graphic NOvel
Knucklehead: Tall Tales & Mostly True Stories About Growing Up
Cosplay World
The Worn Archive
This Kurt Vonnegut Graduation advice book of speaches
When You Are Engulfed in Flames
Glee; The Complete Fourth Season

And other stuff.
I filled my bag.
And checked it out
annd now I'm going to go enjoy those things on my own in my bedroom with the door closed and I will play David Bowie and be very ok with it.

statusupdate :: april yoyoyo

Things took a turn for the worse.
I posted this on Facebook.

This answers --- Why am I not seeing you when I said I wanted to? Am I just being super flakey?

Folks --- just throwing this out there. I think I sort of relapsed, or something. Been feeling sorta sick for the past 4-5 weeks (wake up nauseous, go to bed nauseous, fatigue, throwing up, dizzy at times + anxiety/crying/distress + self destructive/reckless behaviors). I _am_ getting help in allll forms (three different medical folks are helping me out + counseling two times a week) . I don't think it's serious (like --- my body is about to explode serious or cancer serious), and it may be psychologically related (maybe not full recovery from PTSD + recent super-stressful event = body cannot cope and is lashing out).

I feel super, super low on energy. There are humans I want to see really bad but can't, and I sort of feel guilty for that and even _that_ takes energy to feel guilty. I've had to cancel plans. I try to push through it, but, in the long run, I'm not sure that that does any good so I'm trying to find a balance.

Things I feel I _should_ do, like writing letters and responding to emails, aren't getting done either... I really do care about you guys! I do!

Why am I putting this out in public? So y'all know without me telling each of you. If I said, "YES! WE MAKE PLANS!" chances are I _haven't_ forgotten, I just really and truly don't have the energy to. I'm working 4-5 days a week (32 hours) and that's really all of my energy for.

So sorry I'm being absent.
I'm trying to sort this out.
Trying to take the best care of myself so I can feel functional again.

I really thought I was doing better -- I was! I was able to go dancing all the time and eat normally and bike around and see people I love! But all, all of that is down the drain, right now, and that really bums me out.

No. I am not pregnant, I am getting enough protein, it's not my thryroid, and I am drinking enough water. Thank you.

And luckily, I have super awesome friends who I can say this sort of stuff to and they don't make me feel awful for it.

I'm working on...

1) Not diminishing my experiences or writing off my feelings.
2) Not doing too much.
3) Going to see my counselor twice a week.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015


I fear I'm entering self-destruct mode.
I'm looking at what I've been doing and... this is how I hurt myself
and I'm doing it well.

And my body isn't functioning any more and I don't know why.
I go to sleep feeling nauseous and wake up nauseous --- and this has been going on for a few weeks. I'm tired. I get dizzy, at times.

I'm not pregnant.
I guarantee.

If continue on this path, it's going to be a long ways back to steady..

And I thought I was steady - I was for about a month or two.. ok, maybe just a month - but it felt good. I felt like things were in control. I felt like doctors-say-it's-PTSD was under control and done with.

But I'm back to crying on the daily. I just cried on the car ride here and it wasn't for some abstract or petty reason. It was a good reason to cry and I let myself.

So my actions are geared towards self-destruction, but we know all is not loss because I'm admitting it and writing this blog post and about to create a plan of action.

I don't feel like wasting time on hurting myself, but it's not as simple as "just don't do it."
Going to catch this now. I'm a few weeks in the making, but it can stop.
And I'll make it stop.

but I need help
because I feel small
and I feel lousy
and I know if I try to do this solo, a lot of damage might be done

So what am I going to do?

First, I scheduled six appointments for this week. Going to do some self care to figure out what's up with my body.

One appointment was with just a regular family doctor. My issue with these docs is that it's always super in-and-out --- like you see them for 5 minutes tops. However, they're super fast to go, "Let's do bloodwork and figure this out!" and I like that. Bloodwork has solved problems for me in the past and given us answers, like when we found out I had hyperthyroidism as a child.

I went to the appointment yesterday and he quickly had me being tested for four or five different things.

Next I've got an appointment with the naturopath.

Now I won't say I'm 100% into naturopathy. Not at all.
But they are good at listening for a super long while, taking a full multi-hour look at my lifestyle, and then giving me good lifestyle advice to change things.

Things like, "Hey! Know how you feel sick when you eat diary?"
"Well stop eating it, ok. It's doing a whole lot more to your system than just give you stomach aches."

And they didn't hesitate to say, "Know those reactions you're having in your throat to almonds?"
"This is an EpiPen. Have it on you at all times. Your reaction may get worse over time and we're not going to have you in rural Alaska without it."

They're more likely to look at the car crash and see how it might connect or recent events in my life or diet.

Finally, and also quite importantly, I've got an appointment with my counselor/therapist human. Actually, I have two. I might try to start seeing her twice a week until I know I've got this under control.

This season is not for doing everything and seeing everyone, any more. It's gotta be for 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

cello amplification and a special effects pedal makes me be able to play stuff

About a week ago, I got a pickup for my cello. More on that another time.
On Easter, Dad hooked me up with his fx pedal thing.

And now.

I can make sounds like I could never make before. I can sound hella distorted and angry. I can sound super outlandishly cool. I can make all these sounds.

And it is so exciting.

It makes me feel like all this teenage angst I didn't even know I could have is gushing out.

I wanted to dig the bow in harder and harder and play louder and louder and I wanted more and more distortion.


Dad joined in and we tore those hymns to shredsss.

I can now play tributes to Jimi Hendrix on my cello and that is just so, so great.
This feels so empowering.

You guys.. I want to play with all the angry musicians and make angry music together because now I, too, can sound angry. If you are in an angry band and want an angry cellist, let me know. I will play extra angry with you. I can play a mean Amazing Grace.

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Scariest Thing I Do Lots of Days

Over and over I get behind the driver's wheel thing and I drive that car, sometimes going 70 miles per hour and am seconds away from dieing

How do people do this so casually? How do they even... how?

It's just seconds from death and I don't feel like dieing right now. I mean, sometimes I really want to, but not at my core.

It's so scary.
So scary.

And I get those micro-twinges of fear but luckily I can breathe through them now. I can count in and out and in and out and get back to normal pretty fast.

But not always super fast.

The other day I saw a office supply store and had to look at it and in that time, the car in front of me braked. Thank goodness I looked forward in time but had to fully slam on my brakes. This was my fault. I was distracted. This is why I didn't drive for so long - because I know I'm easily distracted.

The other day I got to take 99 straight the very-heart-core of downtown Seattle.
Oh my goodness.

It was actually sort of cool and empowering, but there was no relaxing behind the wheel. Alertalert.


23 hours

23 hours to me.
Time to recharge.

The past few weeks, my body's felt all out of wack. I wake up nauseous, forget to eat or can't eat, and feel exhausted.

Now, while these are all signs of pregnancy (I'm not pregnant), they also might be signs that I'm going too fast... maybe? Also, a friend suggested that my two-week-ago emotional freak-out could have taken a toll that was still working it's way through my suggestion.

Yeah, a few weeks was hard. Luckily, friends helped me get through it and a lot of lessons I learned in the past got to come into play which was super empowering.

So I decided to spend 23 hours with me, hanging out, alone, locked in this house.
No going out.
No humans.


The night started pretty good and I was super stoked. I'm used to being alone and love it. I like hanging out with myself. When it's just me, I don't get board 'cause there's a whole lot I can do with me. I can finally sit down and play my cello, spend hours cleaning, write letters, breate.

The night started on a high when I decided that I missed Dani, my friend up in Alaska. I quickly ran and found that tube of lipstick that I found in an old bathrobe of a person who had moved and had never used.

I used it and I used it well.
Dani --- I miss you THISSS much!
So much that I will write your name on my forehead and underline it.

The whole time, Brittany Spears blared through the house and it wasn't long before I broke out the vacuum cleaner. Sigh. So good.

More cleaning.

Hey! Good news. I like being alone in my thoughts, again. Two Tuesdays ago, I had my eight hour day that has lots of hours of solitude for me to be in my thoughts and that was super scary because my thoughts were not productive or safe. I played podcasts all day - just for the day, I'd face the thoughts when I could sort through them.

Anyways, I can be in my head now and it's a great spot.
I like being me and who I am and a lot of the cognitive distortions I was struggling with have been dealt with, for now.

I was up till late not accomplishing much, which is totally ok. That was the plan.
I feel asleep when I wanted to with the intentions of waking up.

I woke up and my clock said it was 10:25 AM, which I rejoiced. I got to work showering and scrubbing the house, 'cause I like cleaning. It was all good until, after an hour or two of all of this, the clock told me it was only 9:09 AM, so who knows how early I got up.

The day went on and on and on.
The end.
(can you tell I just got tired?)

Oh! And at some point I got to Skype with my nieces and Danielle and that made me elated!!

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