Wednesday, April 8, 2015

statusupdate :: april yoyoyo


Things took a turn for the worse.
I posted this on Facebook.

This answers --- Why am I not seeing you when I said I wanted to? Am I just being super flakey?

Folks --- just throwing this out there. I think I sort of relapsed, or something. Been feeling sorta sick for the past 4-5 weeks (wake up nauseous, go to bed nauseous, fatigue, throwing up, dizzy at times + anxiety/crying/distress + self destructive/reckless behaviors). I _am_ getting help in allll forms (three different medical folks are helping me out + counseling two times a week) . I don't think it's serious (like --- my body is about to explode serious or cancer serious), and it may be psychologically related (maybe not full recovery from PTSD + recent super-stressful event = body cannot cope and is lashing out).

I feel super, super low on energy. There are humans I want to see really bad but can't, and I sort of feel guilty for that and even _that_ takes energy to feel guilty. I've had to cancel plans. I try to push through it, but, in the long run, I'm not sure that that does any good so I'm trying to find a balance.

Things I feel I _should_ do, like writing letters and responding to emails, aren't getting done either... I really do care about you guys! I do!

Why am I putting this out in public? So y'all know without me telling each of you. If I said, "YES! WE MAKE PLANS!" chances are I _haven't_ forgotten, I just really and truly don't have the energy to. I'm working 4-5 days a week (32 hours) and that's really all of my energy for.

So sorry I'm being absent.
I'm trying to sort this out.
Trying to take the best care of myself so I can feel functional again.

I really thought I was doing better -- I was! I was able to go dancing all the time and eat normally and bike around and see people I love! But all, all of that is down the drain, right now, and that really bums me out.

No. I am not pregnant, I am getting enough protein, it's not my thryroid, and I am drinking enough water. Thank you.

And luckily, I have super awesome friends who I can say this sort of stuff to and they don't make me feel awful for it.

I'm working on...

1) Not diminishing my experiences or writing off my feelings.
2) Not doing too much.
3) Going to see my counselor twice a week.
4) GET ALL THE MASSAGES ON MY BODY

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