Tuesday, April 7, 2015


I fear I'm entering self-destruct mode.
I'm looking at what I've been doing and... this is how I hurt myself
and I'm doing it well.

And my body isn't functioning any more and I don't know why.
I go to sleep feeling nauseous and wake up nauseous --- and this has been going on for a few weeks. I'm tired. I get dizzy, at times.

I'm not pregnant.
I guarantee.

If continue on this path, it's going to be a long ways back to steady..

And I thought I was steady - I was for about a month or two.. ok, maybe just a month - but it felt good. I felt like things were in control. I felt like doctors-say-it's-PTSD was under control and done with.

But I'm back to crying on the daily. I just cried on the car ride here and it wasn't for some abstract or petty reason. It was a good reason to cry and I let myself.

So my actions are geared towards self-destruction, but we know all is not loss because I'm admitting it and writing this blog post and about to create a plan of action.

I don't feel like wasting time on hurting myself, but it's not as simple as "just don't do it."
Going to catch this now. I'm a few weeks in the making, but it can stop.
And I'll make it stop.

but I need help
because I feel small
and I feel lousy
and I know if I try to do this solo, a lot of damage might be done

So what am I going to do?

First, I scheduled six appointments for this week. Going to do some self care to figure out what's up with my body.

One appointment was with just a regular family doctor. My issue with these docs is that it's always super in-and-out --- like you see them for 5 minutes tops. However, they're super fast to go, "Let's do bloodwork and figure this out!" and I like that. Bloodwork has solved problems for me in the past and given us answers, like when we found out I had hyperthyroidism as a child.

I went to the appointment yesterday and he quickly had me being tested for four or five different things.

Next I've got an appointment with the naturopath.

Now I won't say I'm 100% into naturopathy. Not at all.
But they are good at listening for a super long while, taking a full multi-hour look at my lifestyle, and then giving me good lifestyle advice to change things.

Things like, "Hey! Know how you feel sick when you eat diary?"
"Well stop eating it, ok. It's doing a whole lot more to your system than just give you stomach aches."

And they didn't hesitate to say, "Know those reactions you're having in your throat to almonds?"
"This is an EpiPen. Have it on you at all times. Your reaction may get worse over time and we're not going to have you in rural Alaska without it."

They're more likely to look at the car crash and see how it might connect or recent events in my life or diet.

Finally, and also quite importantly, I've got an appointment with my counselor/therapist human. Actually, I have two. I might try to start seeing her twice a week until I know I've got this under control.

This season is not for doing everything and seeing everyone, any more. It's gotta be for 

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