|The running joke for the past three years is that my truck is my boyfriend... 'cause he basically is.|
Every once in a while, I come back to this topic.
In case you were wondering 'cause you don't know me for an ounce, I've never dated anyone. I'm 24 and that just hasn't been on my agenda. Give me the choice between a committed relationship and a ticket to Argentina and you can guess what I'd choose.
There were seasons when I thought I wanted to date, or I wanted to, but was never near concreting that. A lot of times I wanted to grow more and I felt like a dude in the picture (I like menboydudepeople) would sort of muck that up. I feared sewing my identity together with another human which, to me, is what you're sort of doing when you date someone, during such formative years could prevent me from working hard on carving out the human I wanted to become. I didn't have the emotional energy to focus on making a relationship work (or figuring out if it's a good thing to let it go).
Lots of times, it didn't happen 'cause dating someone when you move every three months --- that just wasn't going to work (unless magic happened and magic man appeared which he did not which is good). I've noticed an amusing trend, these past few months, where a guy acts a bit interest and then asks, "So... when are you leaving?" and when I tell them, they go, "Oh.."
Lately, it's becoming more clear I'm in one place for a while and I should be here for another two years.
Folks are like, "So... dating? You? And a boy? Together? Mayybe?" Even my psychologist was like, "Sooo.. I think it sounds like you might be ready for a boyfriend?" and I was like, "Ughhh -- nooo," as I slunk down in the sofa and covered my face with my hands.
But, I decided to let myself try it out, sort of.
'cept I didn't want to muck it up with friends.
I fear romantic feelings entering into platonic relationships because if things get messy, well, they can get horribly messy and sometimes it's a mess that can never be fully cleaned. I'd rather keep my friends then risk making things peculiar. I've got super great friends that I think I'd be compatible with, and vice versa, but I'm not even going to bring that up with them ('cept that one kid whose name starts with D who I hung out with in Chicago).
I keep myself from falling for people. The last time I almost fell for someone, June 2014, I threw up a bunch before meeting up with them for the first time one-on-one and basically sabotaged the entire thing and never talk to them anymore. I keep low standards so I can keep my heart in check. It's not a trend I recommend.
So, not messing with real friends means I had to find strangers.
Enter ::: THE INTERNET
Enter :: OKCUPID
Thanks internet dating website!
And with that, a bajillion guys were thrown into my world that I could meet on a whim and practice letting myself consider romantic stuff with. Consider is the magic word there!
It's an odd practice for myself, letting myself consider dudes in a potentially romantic sort of way. I don't have experience with that, really, at all. The one time I sort of experimented with it, the dude was hella abusive and really messed me up and I was confused and the whole thing was rotten.
So I'm letting things be.
And I'm ok with how I've been doing.
I don't meet these strangers thinking, "WE DATE -- YES OR NO?" It's basically, "Hey! I want to know the human you are and see how we get along and see what human you bring out of me."
That last part, there, is important - it means a lot. One of the things I look out for most is what Margaret does this person bring out of me.
Other things I care about?
Emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and compassionate.
Initiative to actually do things and make things happen.
Passionate about something.
Capable of taking care of themselves.
Not needy... super independent.
I'm attracted to them...
I've now met a good handful of people and am in contact with all but two (one was awful and crossed boundaries and was altogether a bit dull - other one, we split after 26 minutes thank goodness because there was no connection at all, it felt like high school). Some, I now consider to be friends. Yay friends!
It's a very peculiar experience, you guys.
It's also outlandish 'cause one of my realizations is that it won't be especially difficult to find a guy who's like, "Hey! I like you and stuff and we could do that dating thing, you know." That's not what's keeping me from dating.
You know the hard thing?
Finding someone who makes me want to not be single any more.
I like being single. I'm not miserable being single. I'm used to being single. I'm super darn good at being single.
And I used to think that giving it up wouldn't really be a thing - but it is!
When I look at these dudes and think, "Maybe let myself consider dating this human?" I then think, "Give up being single for this human?" and then I go, "Ha! Funny joke - no thanks!"
It's not that they're not special and wonderful, it's just, I don't see how I could get any more out of the situation by changing friendship to relationship. I don't get what more I would get - what more there is to have to it. Why can't we just be friends? Friends is great! I can be friends with special and wonderful humans!
Why do I want to be "tied" to this person, in a sense (not a forever knot - not there yet to think such things!)? Why? What for?
Can't I just be friends with all the people forever?
Yeah... guess I can.
I want to try this out because it's sort of a crucial step to starting a family (which I want someday). I'm not going into it all with a direct progression in mind, but the two sort of have to do with each other in the long run.