|We are eating lots of french fries.|
And I don't get it.
I'm going to write out, right now, my current reflections of food because I'm trying to make pieces fit or understand what's going on. I'm going to write out my current reality - not the truth, but what my perception is.
Food is obnoxious.
It's a waste of time and dollars.
My plan of eating tends to go like this... eat whatever falls into my lap or on the ground. Currently, as I write, I am eating a small can (1 cups worth) of pumpkin for dinner. I added honey and pumpkin pie spice. I am eating it because it is convenient. I also had an apple, banana, banana, banana, and some wheat cereal I bought back in February with almond milk I bought in March. That is what I am eating today. I like bananas because they are fast and filling. They don't waste my time. For dinner last night, I had peanut butter filled pretzels. Lunch was two eggs and lentil soup. Breakfast was cereal again. Easy foods. I will also scavenge and eat what I can find. I am not being very grown-up-y.
I feel guilty when I go to the grocery store and buy food. I feel like it should not cost that many dollars. I feel like the money could go to more worthy causes than food. Worthy causes include a tent, tickets, and socks. I was raised super thrifty but not this thrifty, so I wonder if that's where all of this came from. Where did I distort the whole thing that makes me think that buying food is a waste of money.
Money feels like a waste of time. Sitting down to eat doesn't make sense unless I am with others. I just want to have it inside of me so I can go.
Food makes me feel sick. Most of the time, when I eat, it seems like I feel nauseous. I can only eat half a meal. Sometimes, what suits my body fine one day makes me feel really ill the next.
If I eat too fast, much, or the wrong stuff, I puke and it's like, "HAHA! Now you have to eat again and you will feel sick for a while!" I also throw up if I feel too many feels, even if they're not my own to feel.
Hamburger + Ice Cream + Beer = Maybe not the best of idea, but I ate it and out it came.
Avocado + Beans = Good idea, but it still came out.
Vegan enchilada = 3 bites, body said, "Nope!"
Vegetable soup = No thanks!
There isn't a huge trend... my body just rejects and it's annoying because then I have to find a place to throw up and what if I just want to watch my female hip-hop battle at Folklife and not go puke in a bush or something!
I don't hate the taste of food. I don't feel guilt in eating food - but I do feel gross, a lot of times. There's a weird stomach feeling after I eat, a lot of times.
These past few months, I'll go through days or weeks where I struggle with eating anything and that's just obnoxious. It's a cycle of not eating leads to not eating leads to not eating but I try to make myself eat something. At those times, if I have an inkling of a craving for anything, I get it, because it is calories and calories are good.
The doctors and folks and I all think that if I had my own place, my own kitchen and pantry and such, that could help a lot. I could plan meals to be healthy but not too expensive. I could buy in bulk and actually cook. I could cook and plan on eating leftovers, which I love more than firstovers. I could have stashes of healthy snacks to reach for when I know I need something.
But having a kitchen means I gotta rent a place which means more dollars but I want to go to school and...
I've been bouncing around since I left Alaska in December. Five months of bouncing in Seattle.
Do I, can I root?
I'm frustrated and I don't like this and I want to stop needing food or something because that would solve all of my problems.