Friday, May 1, 2015

Plans As Of May

So what are my current travel plans?

I haven't exactly announced it to the world yet. Life is so unsteady, if things changed, I didn't feel like doing a whole blog on things changing, but now they are changing and I'm doing a blog anyways.

So, on a late night a few months ago, I bought tickets to Ecuador after my dear, dear friend Jorge, of Ecuador, posted a comment on my Facebook page. That was enough motivation for me to go buy round trip tickets to Ecuador for a few months.

On top of that, I had (have) train tickets to go to Sacramento (to see the wonderful Sarah!), San Francisco (to cat sit for Kelsey and Jon), and then New York City (to stay with my cousin on her sailboat and Joy, who I met at the pool in Alaska).

All this was set up and in place. I was ready to go... sort of...

I bought them on something of a high and now I'm unsteady again and wondering if I can go. Well, I can go, but I don't know if I should.

Right now, I think I need stabilitiy - that which I tend to run away from.
I think I need roots, rest, and relationships.

I had a sharp desire to travel, but I know I have a deep need for something else, right now, at least until I can understand what's going on. As noted in other blog posts, I haven't been doing well lately.

My doctor just referred me to a new doctor who specializes in mental isllnesses - something I'm not unfamiliar with. I've beeen diagnosed with the likes of ADHD, SPD/SID, trichotillomania, and PTSD and they're currently working with me on anxiety.

Right now, I would say that I am struggling. A lot of times I'm not but, right now things are rough and I'm having a difficult time coping. As I've noted before, I don't feel hopeless or alone, but I do feel discouraged, frustrated, and frequently very sad.

So I had this ticket to Ecuador, but it looks like I won't be riding on that plane. I'm afraid throwing myself into a new culture would send my whole body reeling. I barely have enough emotional energy to cope, right now. Traveling requires your brain to work full time, even when you're not aware of it, as it takes everything in.

What's the plan, then?

Well -- the current jobs I have in Seattle have asked me to stay a bit longer. I'm currently working one of the jobs as a temporary nanny as their other nanny had surgery done and is recovering. It looks like she might not be at full strength, yet, and this little tot requires one to be able to run full force after her (which is one of our favourite games to play).

Where to after that?

I'm thinking of going back to Lopez Island.

Seattle life is not sustainable for me.

While I love the humans, I just can't keep up. I can't do the traffic, it makes me miserable, and housing is through-the-roof-expensive and, while I could van dwell, I'd rawther not be driving Tobbit around Seattle.

Life on Lopez was super sweet and I know exactly what is waiting for me if I go back. I know the community and my schedule. I even have housing options. I could live in Tobbit, but I'm also highly considering living in my friends' mud hut.

A family I was a nanny for has a mud hut on their property I've been eyeing for a year and they're currently welcoming it to me in exchange for some of my time each month (which was already pre-determined --- which I love. I love knowing expectations and clear communication!).

Why a mud hut and not Tobbit? Isn't Tobbit ideal and perfect? Yes! Yes he is -- but part of me thinks taht I should make myself a home for a season or two. Yes, Tobbit feels like home and I love it, but having a home means I can host people. It means I can practice my cello and not worry about dragging it around. It means I can actually cook food and store it and have a well rounded diet.

Slopez goes my pace. I can keep up. I can rest and feel at ease. I can breathe. I'm outside a lot. No traffic. No feeling overwhelmingly busy and like I have to pack things into my schedule. I never have to wear shoes. I can pee outside. I love the community a lot and, conveniently, from what they've told me, they love me too.

If I want stability, Lopez is where I should go, I think.

What about those ticke to Ecuador? I'm thinking of changing one ticket (fee will be around $500-700) to a bit later. I can make it so I depart from Seattle and only visit for a few weeks. This way, it's nothing major and a short enough time to just enjoy myself and catch up with Jorge. That money that I'm loosing would be made up for very quickly in 3 days of work, getting money back from my train tickets, and not having to pay money to stay to travel for so many months and pay dollars for that without making a cent.

So that's where I stand, right now.

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