Friday, August 28, 2015

When You're in a Shopping Cart You Can't Stop It Till You Crash or a Friend Stops It For You

I want to hide in this bed all day.
I want to cry over and over.
I can't keep but doing everything and keep going until I'm sick. It's like a compulsion to go and when I stop, there's always a list of someones asking for my time, the time I don't have. I can'g keep up.

This should be over but I'm just starting to understand. I'm just starting to recognize feelings and I don't like them. I want to turn a blind eye and run away. So many times in my mind I construct a plan to run away. It is guilt alone that keeps me rooted where I am.

But I know where I'm going. I like to think that I can mentally change things but it's chemistry. I like to think I can avoid it, and maybe I can, but I tried last time and I couldn't and it happened and I hated it. Even if it doesn't happen now, its going to happen anyways. One of these days.

I feel like my body is like an unpredictable grenade and I'm just waiting for all to explode on em.

This is why I am afraid of school. This is why I don't want to go.

I'm afraid I'll start attending and the stress will trigger and I'll really melt down and collapse. Last time I went to school, I lasted one day. Then I had the biggest meltdown I've had in almost a decade. The kind where you can barely breathe because the world has become unreal.

Wish I could say, "It'll resolve," or "it'll pass," but it won't. This is me. This is who I am. This is how it will be.

I've lived my whole life with mental illnesses and they're not going anywhere. More often than not, I wish I was neurologically normal. I know there is no normal, I know we all have our quirks, but there's a baseline. Not everyone is battling what I am. Thank goodness there are others who can relate. When I meet them, when I hear their story, it makes me not feel so alone - to know there's nothing special about my experience.

Grateful for the people in my life.

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