Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Interstate Driving

Sometimes I want to call myself horrific names for things I do or can't do that I want to do.
I demean myself for where I'm at and how I am coping with things.
I shame myself for not being like my other friends.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given was to not call myself any names, or say things to myself, that I wouldn't say to a friend going through the same thing.

It really, really helps.

This morning, I had a 90 mile trip planned out to go visit some friends and their new child who was born this past week. What an honour to be invited to be with them!

I got up at 5 AM, was out the door by 5:30 AM as to beat traffic. I was on my way and then...

and then I hit the interstate.

And I lost it.
Sobbing.
Crying.
Shaking.

I would regain composure and then loose it again.

(this is reminiscent of a few weeks ago when I tried to drive the same route on the interstate in the rain and lost it even worse than this time and couldn't get myself home so Dad had to rescue me)

I kept thinking I could "get it together" by the next exit, after enough tears, though, I realized that wasn't going to happen. I realized that putting myself through that for another 80 miles would be really hard on my body, mind and drop me off in Olympia an emotionally-needy wreck.

Not exactly what a family with a new baby wants to deal with - their visitors needing comfort and not functioning well.

So I turned around.
Got off at an unknown exit.
Drove till I recognized a grocery store I went to once a decade ago with my mom and made the right turns.
Accidentally drove on a one way road (thanks hazard lights).
Made my way back home.

And as I drove, I kept telling myself how awful and incapable I was.

Then I remembered Mrs. W. Mrs. W was one of my dearest childhood friend and neighbor's mom. She was proper, always well composed, orderly, caring, and she also didn't drive on the interstates.

When I would call myself names, this morning, I thought, "Would you say that about Mrs. W.? No? Then you can't say it to yourself."

And I would move on with my thoughts.

I've cried 11 times in the past 24 hours and it's ok.
It's totally alright.

I'll get through this.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Better

It's been hard to write this year. I haven't been in the right place. I haven't been in the right place for any of the things I enjoy.

Things are, though, doing better.

For the most part, I haven't wanted to kill myself for almost an entire month! This is huge.
Suicide hasn't been at the front of my mind this month.

The only times that it has come to mind, mostly, is when I forget a dose of meds. Then, the tears quickly start to stream down my face, again (yesterday it was four times over Audrey Hepburn's life story and another time because the restaurant had a lot of people in it) and I think that death is a quick solution.

For the most part, though, I feel steady.

My anxiety is quite low and my brain has slowed down enough to give me time to think through my actions.
Getting better.
Getting better.

(although I never will be "better")
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