Thursday, December 31, 2015

Don't Want the Anti-psychotics

The thing about mental illness is.. is..

They just put me on anti-psychotics.

When the doc told me that, I was surprised and taken aback, but rolled with it. I asked her, "What did you say that this is?"

"A anti-psychotic, mood stabilizer and..." and something or other.

150 mg of extended release Seroquel.

Then I went home and did my research. I saw what the experience of others was on the internet. Now, I know the internet can sensationalize and only show extremes, but I read over 50 accounts of folks' experience with this med.

First, it's not a lil' med you slip in. It's a full blown anti-psychotic and powerful stuff. It makes you sleep. It makes you gain weight. It can make you feel disconnected and zen. It works! It can work swell! But I've also heard you can become dependent upon it.

Reading and reading, I kept thinking, "I don't need this... why am I on this? Why does she think I need this?" and then "I don't want this! I won't take it."

I know I'm hypo-manic right now, so I know my judgement is skewed. This is one of the worst parts of bipolar disorder, not trusting my own judgement 'cause I know I might be swinging too hard.

Anyways, I know I might not have good insight, but my gut (??) goes, "DON'T DO IT!"

I'd rather double the therapy and up my lithium a bit, not add in this stuff.
I'd rather learn to cope with the symptoms - I think I can do this.

Seroquel does work, sure. I just don't know that I'm so far gone that I need it.

This is where I'm confused.

I want to talk to someone. I want to talk to someone who understands! I want to talk to someone who gets it. I want to talk to someone who has been there. But I don't know who to call. I don't know who gets it.

My decision, as of this morning, was to just go straight back to my psychiatrist's and ask 'em why they put me on it. Why do they think I need this?

Can't I just learn to cope with this as me?

Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas 2015!

I've only cried three times today, so I'd say I'm doing alright.

I woke up this morning and realized it was Christmas and felt eager to get out of bed. No dread or anything. In relaying this to Mom 10 minutes later, I started to cry out of relief.

It's been a year since I "became bipolar" and it's been the lousiest year ever. In all of the muck, though, I'm grateful, because I have some amazing people supporting me.

Blogging is something I miss, but I just don't have the energy for it. I'm hoping it will come back as a coping mechanism, as I think it does do good. Besides energy, my attention span is shot. I used to be able to hyper-focus on writing out a piece and now I tend to not get past a paragraph.

The whole family is at home, right now. Ian, Dad, and Mom. We all met up a bit past midnight, last night. We're all wearing matching bird shirts, now!

Monday, December 21, 2015


I wonder who I would be, what would happen if I went off of my meds.
I wonder that sometimes...

then I remember that when I forget just one dose, I cry and restaurants if there are people in them and go back to wanting to kill myself or die or something about not being there.

So I keep taking em.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Support Group

I started going to a new support group.

It's full of people like me and I love it. It's nice to be around others who can relate -- not looking in from the outside.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

sometimes you hate everything about everything
by you
I mean I

'cept I don't hate everybody.
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