Friday, January 22, 2016

Back in January

Right now, I'm in a new form of depression that I've never been in before.

This morning went alright, but then I got hit by a wave of.. of something. A wave of, "Gee! Why don't you just kill yourself?"

It's confusing when these waves come in 'cause, lately, it's just out of the blue. Well, this wasn't out of the blue. I was talking to someone and the talks weren't going so swell and I was at the point of realizzing that talks should end for a long while. So there was a trigger!

Still, the leap to death. I don't like it. I want to find a way to rewrite that pattern, as comforting as it can be at times.

I know I'm getting to that place when I'm in my bed or on the ground and I feel like I'm glued down. I want to move, do _something_ and can't.

The cool thing is, I'm not way, way down under, right now. I'm definitely in a depressed phase, but this hasn't been too low with my new dose of medication. If I hadn't been on anything, well, this would've been a vomiting, blubbering, 5-day-long stomach ache sort of story.

As it stands now, though, I was able to text Eric. Eric is probably the best and first person for me to contact when I feel this way. Most importantly, I know he loves me, cares about me, and I trust him. Second, talking to suicidal people is something he's got a lot of experience in from when he volunteered at the suicide hotline.

(I never put them here)

When Eric write back, though it has a tint of feeling like it's "what you say to someone who wants to kill themselves," it's honest and it's to me and it brings me back up and it levels me out and it reminds me that it will get better. That's the most important thing for me to know. It will get better, this will pass.

Eric is someone I really trust, and need to trust him because sometimes, he's the one telling me that my life has value and that things will get better.

after that passed, had to keep the funk off, because such thoughts come back quickly. I sta.... I never finished this post.

I call it, "Eric and Rock."

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