Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Bipolar Sucks


Bipolar sucks because everything turns into a symptom.

Happy? Is it beccause I'm manic?
Upset? Must be depressed.
Want to stay home? Depressed as a... seaweed?
Snuggly? Manic!
Want to buy much needed rain boots? Manic.
Want to visit a friend? Manic.

Everything is a symptom. It's hard sorting out what are warning signs and what is just me being me as a human who has ups and downs.

I'm hoping that some day I won't be on the look-out like I need to be now. Right now, I need to keep my eyes open for the swings (mood swings). Swings that become to violent, too high to low, need to be managed. If I get too high, I'm prone to make some poor choices (plane tickets are my go-to, although nnot the worst thing I can invest in). If I get too low, I obseess of wanting to kill myself and I feel sick, sick, sick.

Someday, I hope to have the luxury of just being. I don't want bipolar to be on my mind. I don't like blaming it for who I am, right now.

I'm me and I like to think I'm me because of me, not because of a chemical imbalance. I want to write about how awesome life. I want to make plans, not anticipating a swing or canceling them for fear that jetlag will tip me over to the dark side, again.

In friendships, I don't want to have to be thinking, "Am I acting super irrational?"

Yeah. If you ever get the choice between being bipolar and not, I recommend not being bipolar. If you have a friend who is bipolar, maybe buy them a cookie or something...

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Your words make me grin.

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