Monday, March 7, 2016


Photo by Dani of my niece, Pearl, and I.
I want to be proud of being bipolar.
I want to feel like I can say it without feeling like I need to back it up with evidence that I won't smash them in the face.
I want to be able to say it and have it not be a thing (sometimes it's not -- maybe I'm the one who makes it a thing).
I don't like what bipolar is.

I'm not proud of it. I hate it. I hate that part of me. It makes me sick, literally. It's set me back. It's mucked things up. It's made me want to give up.

This isn't a message without hope. I'm stable, right now, and I'm doing ok. Things are sorting out nicely and I'm grateful.

But, even with meds managing the bipolar thing, it's still under it all and still 'causing waves and it always will. It will always be the forever roller coaster I never wanted to get on and can never get off.


  1. Dear Mrs. Mägi, I wanted to say I appreciate your candidness. I wanted to say something comforting. I wanted to drop by and say something kind. I wanted to say something insightful.

    I'm afraid my writing skills aren't what they once were. For that I'll say please take good care of yourself and take things one day at a time. Find good Drs and good friends will always understand. Don't let bipolar define you, it will always be there but doesn't have to be who you are. It certainly isn't your fault. It's okay to have a rough day, it's not letting the disorder win. There is freedom still out there you just have a hurdle to get over.
    My mother and a couple friends are bipolar, they prove you can be happy and productive and they are some of the most honest and beautiful people I know. I myself have to believe it, I suffer from cognitive impacts from brain surgery.
    With many caring thoughts thanks for the honesty of your blog and I look forward to reading about you getting better.

  2. Hi. I was just surfing around and dropped in to see how you were doing. Seems this bipolar thing has you in the dumps. You know, this is something a lot of people seem to have, and something you probably always have had, but you used to be much happier, I think. Maybe you should stop dwelling on the idea that you have a "disorder" and realize that maybe we all have some quirks that make us less than perfect. Maybe we are depressed, or obsessive, or bipolar, or something else doctors can make a living telling us we have, but in the end, love mitigates a lot of this. Maybe it's not a cure, but it does help day by day. Seeing you making lasagna for your sweet parents (who I think really love you a lot) was a nice moment to share. I know you have lots of friends who really love you too. May you always have family and friends who love you, and may that love fill your days so much that your problems fade into obscurity. All the best.


Your words make me grin.

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