Wednesday, October 12, 2016

5 Months Later


It's been five months since I last wrote. I haven't been able to. Whether too busy or my brain couldn't go there. I miss it. Every time I say I'll write more. I don't know where the words went. I guess they crashed along with the car.

In those five months, I've maintained a stable lifestyle in the same home, secured a stable job, traveled to Alaska and straight to Hawaii from there (where I am now), celebrated my 26th birthday on a semi-remote island with 12 pals and in a cabin Alaska with 26 other pals and on a ferry boat with my boyfriend, found a man who loves me and lets me love him back, went to the Aqua Sox game with my Dad, went to DC, went to Virginia, went to Maryland, toured the West Wing, tea with Mom, lots of time with the folks, trip over the mountains to visit best friend and family, sailed to Lopez Island from Seattle with a stranger I met on the internet, spent lots of nights on a different sailboat, finished reading Cryptonomicon with Jacob (he read all 1300 pages aloud to me!), and overall kept way, way too busy.

ride never asked for


Bipolar disorder runs my life, rules it. It impacts every aspect of my life.

It dictates what I do and what I can't do and what I should do and what I should pay for when I don't get it down right.

It's the roller coaster I'll never get off of --- the ride I never asked for.

It's like being thrown into a pool before you know how to swim, but you gotta learn to swim, you do, because sinking is the one end that I started dwelling on like I never had pre-being-symptomatic.

"On a scale from one to ten, how would you say bipolar has affected your life?" my doctor asked the other week. In response, I broke down crying. I'm crying now remembering that moents.

It's up and downs and I don't understand. Or I can, but there are so many variables like meds, natural hormones, sleep patterns (late night? jet lag? have fun...), diet, stress, weather, huge life events, small life events... basically everything 'cept what shoes I choose to wear.

So I choose stability for my life, I do my best, and march on.
This sucks.

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