Wednesday, October 12, 2016

ride never asked for

Bipolar disorder runs my life, rules it. It impacts every aspect of my life.

It dictates what I do and what I can't do and what I should do and what I should pay for when I don't get it down right.

It's the roller coaster I'll never get off of --- the ride I never asked for.

It's like being thrown into a pool before you know how to swim, but you gotta learn to swim, you do, because sinking is the one end that I started dwelling on like I never had pre-being-symptomatic.

"On a scale from one to ten, how would you say bipolar has affected your life?" my doctor asked the other week. In response, I broke down crying. I'm crying now remembering that moents.

It's up and downs and I don't understand. Or I can, but there are so many variables like meds, natural hormones, sleep patterns (late night? jet lag? have fun...), diet, stress, weather, huge life events, small life events... basically everything 'cept what shoes I choose to wear.

So I choose stability for my life, I do my best, and march on.
This sucks.

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