Sunday, January 28, 2018

Lights as a Feather, Stiff as a Board

There isn't really an appropriate place on the internet to marvel to discuss weight loss, or my entire history of weight fluctuations. I just wanna document it all.

Growing up, my identity was in being tiny -- off the charts tiny where my bone maturity was years behind. All bones and short, folks told me over and over how I was cute and tiny. So, that was who I was.

Then, HELLO PUBERTY!, and I gained wait, fast.
Then came Switzerland when they fed me a diet of full fats and bread and chocolate (every day) and I made it to around 132 lbs. That was around 15 pound weight gain from the previous year.

Folks noticed. My host dad told me I was fat 'cause I liked bananas. And I struggled to love my body.

I worked so hard to learn how to love this body of mine. Even still, I had habits of always covering my chin when I looked down, not wanting anyone to see how there was more than one.

Then, back to USA (2008) where it came off with a temporary wave of depression and lack of desire to eat. Then it swung up. I remember being conscious of it especially in 2012.

Then I traveled. I remember my weight was 115 lbs when I was in Boston.

Then, after settling back in the states after life abroad, my weight creeped up to around 130lbs, or so. And this is where I figured I'd be. I did accept it. I learned to love my body. I looked to my body-positive roll models on Facebook and learned to be me. I ate when I was hungry and moved around daily, I felt good.

Then bipolar. I dropped 15 pounds in 1-2 weeks and it has never come back.
Then, the docs put me on a dumb diet for my Hashimoto's and now I'm down to 111-114 lbs.

And it blows my mind.

'cause my big goal, my big dream was to be 114 lbs. Before I accepted my body, I just wanted to be 114 again and I didn't know how. And now I am, and I didn't even do anything. I got my big wish. I'm less than that, each day, and...

And my doctors tell me I need to raise my cholesterol and put more salt on my food.

Moral is? Weight goes everywhere and it don't mean much. Perspectives will almost always be warped. Sometimes you gotta wait a good 7 years to see clearly and even then, it's still with the lens of now.

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