Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Loosing Friends Because of Mental Illness

I think one of my least favourite parts to mental illness is loosing friends because of it.

This isn't just 'cause of me and my bipolar/ADHD party I got going on. Before I was symptomatically bipolar, I had two dear, dear friends, both of which I'm pretty sure I lost because of their realities as they lived with a mental illness.

One had me worked out to be someone who had very specific, judgmental thoughts. I knew this wasn't me, but she'd been believing it for months and letting that turn into her reality, instead of checking in with me. When she sent me a long, confusing email telling me what she thought of me, the friendship, already broken, dissolved in one swift motion.

Despite my mom's encouragement, I never had any desire to reach out again.

Another friend, well, I can't even go into that situation, but the ending bit was where the police were calling me. I don't know what happened there, but I do know that mental illness was present.

Then there was me. My anxiety tended to play a role, a huge role. I'd get freaked out and never know how to make things right again.

With mental illness, whether the destruction is your "fault" or not is really hard to judge.
What you do with it, when things ease a up a bit, that is on you.
To get to that point, to be able to make it right, that might involve choosing to take the steps to make it so you can fix things. I'm currently in DBT courses, learning to gain control of my life.

It all is pretty frustrating, though. I miss some of those friendships, some were dear (and one, I can totally live without) and I now just get to live with how it is. I've done what I can to reach out, but fixing things takes two, and it just might take as much fancy footwork as the tango.

1 comment:

Your words make me grin.

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